I’ve been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don’t move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I’ve taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don’t get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven’t read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I’m able to keep alive at all is because I haven’t moved out of my parents’ house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn’t a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can’t blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
As some other comrades have said I think executive dysfunction is something to look into. If you can get evaluated for ADHD I definitely would try to. I have struggled with extremely similar issues and Covid especially compounded that, but about a year ago I finally got my shit together and got an ADHD diagnosis and medication to treat it. I still have a long, long way to go to achieve the things I want to but I can firmly say I have accomplished more in the past year of my life than in the five previous to that.
Progress is going to be slow and incremental, sometimes nonexistent or outright in reverse but it can be done I think. Hopefully you can access some half decent resources where you are.
Relevant ADHD- and EF-related post about the so-called “Wall of Awful”, which explains why it can be so hard to do things sometime, and reminds us to see the work we’re doing even if it’s not necessarily materialized
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg
Holy shit thank you from someone with ADHD (I don’t take meds by choice)
How To ADHD is great, her videos are informative and uplifting
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Someone posted this video on prefederation chapo chat a couple years ago kickstarting the rabbit hole that lead to my adhd diagnosis. I don’t remember if it was you but whoever it was I’m eternally grateful for changing my life.
I don’t think that was me, but that’s really heartwarming to hear it helped you in that way
I probably feel similarly, as someone who got diagnosed last year in my mid-20’s… if it wasn’t for some memes that were concerningly relatable, I’d probably still be undiagnosed and unmedicated, and fighting way harder to function the same. I probably cried the first time I watched the wall of awful video, lmao. I’m a softie and it made me feel seen and understood in a way that is really rare.