WannabeBear [he/him, comrade/them]

Weirdly enough I know a nonbinary transfemme who is completely closeted to her wife, and has been on hormones for a few years.

Some cis people ARE wildly clueless.

I’m also interested

Life is shockingly good right now and idk how to feel about that.

• I’m finally on the waitlist for top surgery (downside is that it’s 1.5-2+ years before I’ll be having surgery, if I want it funded by public healthcare. Also downside is they’re suggesting that I reduce my BMI, which is just awesome with my history of dieting and disordered eating. . I might go private, partly to avoid the waitlist (2 years is way too long), partly to possibly avoid getting annoying diet talk from my GP (the public surgeon sent her a letter asking her to reduce my weight, basically, lol)
• I have a job lined up for after graduation, and came out to them about being trans. They were mostly supportive and cool, though a tiny bit boomer (I will probably have to educate them some, which sucks, but is also inevitable in my industry). One staff member did misgender me last time I was there, so next time I’m coming with a name tag with my manly new name (I mostly go by a shortened version which is fairly gender neutral, the full version is definitely considered a male name) and pronoun pins. Hopefully that will help. I need a beard.
• I’m getting so close to being Out everywhere. I just need to come out to my in-laws and an aunt and uncle, so they don’t get to freak out about finding out via the grapevine or social media or something.
• I’m dating a cis woman who is married to a trans woman and it’s SO WILD to be dating a woman in a straight way, and absolutely amazing to be dating someone who has already been “cooked” in terms of cis people being educated about trans stuff. She’s so incredible at affirming my gender. The downside is idk how to feel about discovering this straight side of myself. It’s kind of disturbing and makes me feel unsettled. Also I’m discovering new ways to trigger dysphoria, which is annoying. Like I can be with a guy and not wear a binder and if I feel his flat chest on my tits it’s kind of just neutral. But feeling someone else’s tits on my tits is like. A big reminder that I have tits, and very unpleasant. So I have to wear a binder all the time with her, which sucks because I already bind way more than you’re supposed to. But overall this new relationship is very fun and good.

Idk why I used bullet points for such massive paragraphs. I think those are all the good trans news I’ve got going on.

Sam Francisco, to get a bunch of gender affirming surgery (assuming it’s truly ALL expenses included, and surgery is an expense).

Replying again because I remembered a thought-

A sort of version of this question I’ve seen, that for me was a loooottt more helpful, but is more kinda aimed at sussing out if you’re nonbinary vs male/female, was:

If you had been born as the opposite sex, would you have felt the need to physically transition?

And like. No? If I’d been born with a penis I think my main body dysphoria would’ve been over the fact that (based on my family) I would’ve been circumcised. The only physical change I would’ve done would be foreskin restoration, lol (also I’d work way harder at taking care of my butthole and not having hemorrhoids, since I wouldn’t have the easier bottoming option I have now). Other than that I believe I’d just be a queer sometimes femme sometimes masc guy, I doubt I’d identify as any kind of trans.

But as is I was born into my body and have experienced decades of dysphoria and have been various states of egg for most of that time. I’m not a woman but living as a girl and then a woman has shaped so much of who I am, that to remove that, would fundamentally change me.

If there was a magical get a full sized uncut penis button I think I would probably (but like, I’m not even certain of that) press it?

But I’m not interested in any button that undoes my life. Because then I’m not me. And that line of thinking is confusing and gives me existential dread. No thanks.

I think I’ll be coming out fully at some point this year. Being closeted is far too distressing these days, so, even though I dread the process of coming out, I think it’s going to be necessary in the very near future.

I should be getting onto the top surgery waitlist in a week or two, which probably means I’ll be on it for most of 2024 (and some or potentially all of 2025, too).

Potentially I’ll also be legally changing my name and gender too, we’ll see.

None of these things will be fun, but hopefully life afterwards will be more livable.

Yeah those questions made me doubt my gender for over a decade

Egg shit I (an ftm egg) did, off the top of my head:

Ask people if they would still like me if I was a guy.

Make jokes about having a dick.

Have panic attacks when guys I was dating/fucking grabbed my tits or were obsessive about them.

Lament about how much nicer men’s clothing is and how much easier it would be to be even slightly stylish as a guy.

Etc.

I mean, a longer wait time (although perhaps not a decade) works out okay for me, as I’m still not certain what, if any, bottom surgery I want.

Waiting 3-4+ years for top surgery, however, is unpleasant.

I changed my last name long before I realized I was trans, because that family is really horrible.

For me I was a dork and chose a name from a tv character I liked, which was also a super common white person name that no one would ever question.

I don’t feel a deep attachment to my last name, and have kind of toyed with the idea of changing it again, when I change my first name in the near-ish future. If I change it again, this time I will probably choose something that isn’t a surname with history (like, basically just a word I like or something. Maybe a plant or something from astronomy. Possibly an animal. Idk.)

Nah Alberta is definitely the Texas of Canada, haha.

Bottom surgery is in Montreal, yeah. How long did/do you have to wait to get referred for surgery? (Like, I can’t even see the psychiatrist who refers for bottom surgery for 2+ years because of that clinic’s wait time). Maybe the decade quote is specifically for phallo? I have no idea. Besides my waits to get referred (which are for the local gender clinic, and were given to me by their staff) the surgery referral to surgery waits are just based on what other trans people have told me.

Top is done here and may be faster than what I said, that’s just an estimate based on what people who started the process a touch before me have said.

What the heck, where are you in Canada??? I’m in Canada lol 💀 though I do think the FTM wait times are usually longer (but not like a decade longer??)

I’m in the Texas of Canada, so, iirc we only get something like 20 bottom surgeries a year? And we have ~500 people waiting for them.

I’m officially on waitlists for doctors to refer me for both top and bottom surgeries (through public healthcare. Could theoretically go private if I wanted to speed things up a lot, but not an option financially right now.)

~1 month to see a GP with specialized training who can refer me for top surgery (and then from what I know 2+ years before the surgery itself). ~2 years to see a psychiatrist for referral for bottom surgery (and then 8+ years for surgery).

Feels good because this is some sort of concrete progress. HRT changes are so slow

Idk if I want bottom surgery, but I figure if I do, I’ll know I do in a decade.

I’m very new to hexbear and mostly lurk, so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to recommend an online store (I also don’t know where you’re located, the store I have in mind only ships within Canada and the US), but anyway there’s a worker owned sex store cooperative in Toronto that has a great online store.

All of their gender gear descriptions are super gender neutral, I just checked to make sure and there’s even a line about packers being for everyone who wants one, in their basic packer information.

I try to never shop for sex stuff anywhere else, unless it’s something I legitimately can’t get through this store.

If I’m allowed I’ll totally give you the name, or you can DM me about it.

Depending on what exactly you want in a prosthetic (just a flaccid bulge? Pack and play? STP?) there are also people who make stuff themselves that you can sometimes find at queer markets or online places where artisans can sell stuff. If you’re crafty and just want a flaccid bulge, I could send you the pattern for a crochet packer.

Even though my hope is to one day “pass” as a man, I relate to this!

When I bind, wear masc clothing, and leave a bit of my stubble, I’ve had a couple instances where I can tell people were like because of my gender presentation, and that alone gives me so much joy!

Even if I can never pass, confusing the cishets and not being automatically assumed to be a woman would be an okay place to land, too.

I came out to like a dozen people this week (prior to this week I was only fully out to like 3), and have a couple small social circles that are now using he/him pronouns for me.

Feels better than I imagined, and is also making me impatient to be fully out (but safety is making me try to hold back for ideally another 8+ months). Every person I tell (who accepts me, so far haven’t told anyone who doesn’t) it feels like a literal weight off my shoulders.

Also had the most gender-affirming sex of my life, thanks to my first realistic prosthetic.

And it’s been ~3 months on full dose T now. I had fully lasered my legs and armpits in my early twenties, trying to get rid of the hatred I felt for my body (ouch, wrong direction ) and when I fully cracked my egg recently I felt so much grief and dysphoria over a future of super smooth legs. But. Examining my legs in the light now, I’m seeing tons of new vellus hairs, and patches are going terminal. I’m beginning to feel hopeful that one day I’ll have even coverage over my entire legs again. It will never be what it could’ve been, but honestly anything is better than nothing. I just wanna be a bear

Sorry this is a novel. I have no other trans community yet.

Somehow “good” and especially “hard” seem less unblemished than “fabulous”

I repressed my gender for ~7 years after coming out as nonbinary/questioning to my husband, when he said “as long as you’re not a transman or don’t get a beard.”

Spoilers, I’m a transman.

Those 7 years were horrible for my mental and physical health. I lost so much.

I can’t say what the right choice is for you. Having kids must make your decision even harder. Whatever you choose, you are valid.

But in my experience, the dysphoria and need to transition only got stronger with age. Until it finally got to the point where I think repressing it any longer would have literally killed me.

That’s hilarious, and with an added layer of meaning as a transmasc who uses prosthetic and t- dicks.