TRIGGER WARNING!
Depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
I apologize if this post comes off as immature or offensive. I’ll be pouring my emotions into it more than my thoughts. I also apologize for any bad English and text inconsistencies, I finished writing this at 3AM.
I’m rather young, currently 22. I’m finishing my computer science course in a year and have had minor work experience. I’m Brazilian and have a very comfortable life, comparable to a Western middle class person in most ways.
I hate everything that’s to do with the tech industry. I got into tech because of Linux and open source, and I love how Linux in my country is slowly becoming a way for people to extend computer lifespans and such, and how its main reason to exist is “to be good at what it does” rather than being profitable. Linux is what got me to read about leftism and later communism, so I thank the FOSS community for that.
My country is in the imperial periphery and there’s nothing to do here besides be a little developer pawn for banks and frontend (mainly websites and basic apps) companies, either that or get into any company’s IT department, which I’ve done and it’s hell (for me of course, plenty of people love it). Being in the imperial periphery, I also don’t have any nice career paths like becoming employed by a company doing something cool, like Valve, Huawei, Fairphone, Framework, and any others you guys might think. I do know they’re all capitalist/market oriented businesses, with Huawei being a coop and all, but I’ve given up on seeing a Brazilian revolution in my lifetime a while ago, and just wanted to make the world a bit less shit for people with at least my work being poured on some nice products that don’t treat the end user like crap.
The political party I’m a part of (UP) is currently tearing itself apart from the inside because one of the largest growing communist influencers in my country (Jones Manoel) is not from my party, so people are infuriated and are basically shutting doors and losing potential leftist allies because of pride and other dogmatic approaches to politics (like trostkyites tend to do in my country, even though my party is ML). There goes the biggest chance Brazil had of having an influential communist movement.
I don’t have a party with any momentum to be a part of, I don’t have any decent career paths to aspire for, and there’s basically nowhere to go because the US is a fascist hellhole, China doesn’t need Brazilians to do what Chinese people can, and Europe is slowly fading out of existence (as well as becoming a fascist hellhole in most places, as well as not needing Brazilians to do what Europeans also can).
I have been suffering with depression for the last two years, but I’ve been “not well” since I was a kid. I’ve always coped with anxiety and I’m neurodivergent (idk what it’s called in English but I have “high abilities and intellectual giftedness”, and am currently making tests to see if I also have ADHD, autism and the like).
I’m unsure about the rest of the world, but the Brazilian labor market doesn’t prefer people like me and as such many of them end up either super exploited because gifted people perform better in their specific areas of giftedness, or end up with no decent job because their specific areas are not profitable like in my case. No one is making money from developing user-end terminal programs and installing/maintaining desktop linux systems for people in their community and social circles, as well as being beta a tester for a few linux projects. These are things actual devs make as a hobby. Because of my condition (psychological and otherwise) as well as my lack of enthusiasm in other areas, my life in the future looks pretty crap, and mainly due to my condition, I can’t do anything that I’m not into without feeling like complete garbage. Working as an IT guy for a while got me feeling suicidal for the first time, and seeing internship programs and career paths in Brazil makes me want to die again. I looked into becoming a teacher, but teacher salaries in Brazil are a joke and I’d be just teaching future professionals that’d fall into the same place I’m in right now.
I’m not mentioning how socialism lost in the 20th century and how China is making baby steps towards a new way of running a society that’s only going to realize itself in 100 years because that’s probably my depression making me distort reality to fit my dopamine-deprived brain and you guys would destroy my silly arguments in a few sentences, but that’s how I currently view things in a nutshell.
Anyways…
I give up. Capitalism won (at least for the next decades), FOSS lost, I don’t have any decent career to aspire to, and I’ll probably kill myself next year. I just wish there was any minuscule thing I could do with the knowledge I have that’d give me some quality of life, monetarily so that I maintain some of my current lifestyle of course (I don’t want much, just enough to afford PCs and give family members some nice bday gifts), but also mentally. I want to use my skills to make my community a better place, to make some nice products that people would like to use for a long time, maybe “forever” even, like old soviet appliances. There’s no option like that for a filthy third world commie like me, in a crappy non industrial labor market with crappy salaries. Maybe the world wants people like me to go away, maybe it’s for the best so the market works better or whatever.
You guys have been amazing people these last two or so years I’ve been here. I thank you all for your replies on my posts, and for the posts you make (I don’t post here often, but I do lurk often). You’re amazing human beings, and I hope you reach your life goals so you don’t feel like me. You deserve everything the world has to offer.
Thank you for your time and attention. Have a great night (or day idk).
sometimes there are decades of nothing happening, and then there are weeks in which decades happen. the emancipatory movement will never die. people can be killed but ideas never die. if you give up now the capitalists will just have another less person to worry about, as you have already understood how this system works unlike many others that will just blindly follow their propaganda. dont let yourself be defeated. money is not the most important thing in life, it is not your god. try to shift your focus in life towards smaller goal that are more easliy reachable to get gratification. just dont give up. do something it doesnt matter what, start a new hobby like playing guitar for example or whatever suits you. i have been in a similar position so i can understand you. ending your life over this is a waste. you are not a loser.
I didn’t mean to come off as someone who just thinks of money, I’m sorry. I just wanted a decent job that’d give me some quality of life, of course in terms of salary but also in terms of what I actually do for the world. I want to see my work actually help people.
I do plenty of things. I’ve been playing guitar for 10 years now, for example. Currently I’m just in a shit place knowing that all that I’ve done until now will amount to basically nothing in the future. All that I actually love doing are what actual professionals do in their spare time, and can’t fit in as jobs or sources of income, unfortunately.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, comrade.
Keep hanging on, things can change quickly and your skillset is incredibly useful even if you don’t think so. I myself studied something similar to robotics, top of the class and everything and ended up in agriculture because of lack of opportunities, viva México i guess.
As for something to do to sustain you, i have found that computer shops that “refurbish” business laptops (like thinkpads) can make a buck, finding a place or contact where they auction these used computers is the hard part tho. Also you haven’t realized how illiterate most people are regarding computers lol, one thing that you will never be taught and it’s definitely intended is to value your work.
If it makes you feel better I’m an Argentinian selling weed to survive, you could always be worst. Jokes aside, I feel you, but I also feel some envy, you know something very cool which yes forces you into some shitty work but at least you have that dude, my options are either working 12hs at a factory or less time with less pay on a probably worst job. You can at least work at home or with AC while you code, even if the job is shit. And well, if you want to make some money, selling weed or shrooms as a side thing if you grow it yourself can really get you out of the shit hole dude, specially in LATAM, probably most in Argentina and Brazil. I think my comment wasn’t really helpful or the most empathic, but well, don’t kill yourself irmao, you’ll get through it.
Camarada, I feel you. I can relate to a lot of stuff you said here. Reading you say you give up feels like a punch because I can totally understand why. As much as I love Brasil, it sucks, it is a neoliberal hellscape at the end of the day. I hope you can reconsider, because even if the future seems bleak, you are amazing camarada, you’re nearly finishing your graduation while also being part of a communist party, that’s genuinely incredible.
As neurodivergent people, it’s easy for us to ruminate shit and spiral into depression, it genuinely sucks, that has been me for as long as I remember. The only thing I know for sure is that, being older than you, you eventually learn how to deal with it a little better at times, which already helps a lot.
You didn’t mention it, but if you haven’t already please try to seek therapy, it won’t change your material reality but it can genuinely help.
And since you said you’re diagnosed with high abilities, this might seems strange, but do you watch content from Tio João? While I’m not diagnosed with that, I’m autistic and ADHD and I never felt more seen then when he talks about neudivergence. It’s something that have genuinely helped me with understanding myself better.
Also you shouldn’t feel bad for the options you mentioned for jobs. You applying there or not, won’t change that place’s existence, it’s better for someone like you to work there and be able to continue with your revolutionary work than to refuse it by principle, in situations like that its better to be pragmatic, unfortunately we live in a capitalist hellhole, your well being and of those around you comes first, as bad as the job might be.
Since you mentioned your love for FLOSS and how you’re finishing your graduation in computer science, have you seen the new collective of programmers comrades from the Soberana Discord? Here’s their website just in case: Coletivo Popular de Design e Desenvolvimento, it looks really interesting.
The political party I’m a part of (UP) is currently tearing itself apart from the inside
Is the situation at UP really that bad camarada? From an outsider’s view I thought the whole Jones thing had blown over.
There goes the biggest chance Brazil had of having an influential communist movement
Shit seems bleak, but at the very least on the public debate things are not that bad for us. More and more camaradas like Jones grow and present communist to a lot of new people, I genuinely think it might not be as bad as it seems right now in that regard.
Maybe my message here won’t change much, bad mental health, specially depression is horrible, that much I know, but I genuinely hope for the best for you comrade.
if you haven’t already please try to seek therapy do you watch content from Tio João?
I’ve been in therapy for more than a year now. I also watch Tio João’s content and it helped me seek my high abilities diagnosis.
Is the situation at UP really that bad camarada?
Higher ups, at least in my region, are sick of Jones, while “lower ranking” people (let’s call them that so it’s a simpler to understand) actually like him a lot. Also, since I joined last year the party seems to gradually go towards a closed, theoretical approach to marxism instead of the “party of the masses” it started as (much like PCB). Also don’t get me started on their stance on China, it’s just another capitalist hellhole to them. Could be just my region though
I haven’t seen the programmer collective from Soberana. Thanks for sharing, comrade. I’m not sure if they’d need someone like me with system experience for stuff like apps, websites and the like (what the website says they do or will do)
shit’s tough. I just want some money to pay a future rent for me and my girlfriend and to pay for pc parts, while not working on a shitty job
thanks for the reply my friend
Wow, sounds rough and I’m sorry. Do you speak Spanish or any other language where you might emigrate? It may not be a more comfortable lifestyle, but maybe get you into an environment where your skills contribute in a more satisfying manner, and with comrades of similar mind.
I do speak Spanish. I have access to learning other languages too. I’m learning mandarin for fun right now but I wanted to get into it for real, just didn’t have the time yet.
Maybe China is a possible better environment for you?
I’m sure it is, the problem is China probably doesn’t need me. Some friends of mine and many people online have tried getting into Chinese companies, with no success at least in the IT and programming fields. It boils down to the price of a foreigner vs a local, locals are cheaper and know how to live in Chinese society already.
It would be a dream to live in China, and even if I can’t I’ll at least visit it someday.
That bitofarambler guy is always posting about TEFL. It’s an investment cost, though.
I’ve been in therapy for more than a year now.
That’s genuinely great camarada. I have had the luck of finding a great therapist from the get go, but I unfortunately haven’t been able to continue treatment because of money, but I hope soon I get to go back. On the other side, finding a good psychiatrist has been hell, way too many bad professionals in my region, but I was fortunate enough to find a very good one this year after searching a lot. Medication is tough because it’s yet another expense, unfortunately SUS doesn’t cover the stuff I’m taking, but even tho I’m still changing meds every now and then, I feel much better taking them, than not. Executive dysfunction is hell.
I’m not sure if they’d need someone like me with system experience for stuff like apps, websites and the like (what the website says they do or will do)
It’s worth a shot camarada, I’m sure they would love to have someone with your skills. It might be a way to at least some good enough job that doesn’t pay you scraps and treats you like absolute garbage. It’s been a while since I looked into collectives that spawned from Soberana, but outside of a few things here and there that I’ve heard, these collectives seem to be genuinely great efforts by the camaradas there.
Higher ups, at least in my region, are sick of Jones, while “lower ranking” people (let’s call them that so it’s a simpler to understand) actually like him a lot. Also, since I joined last year the party seems to gradually go towards a closed, theoretical approach to marxism instead of the “party of the masses” it started as (much like PCB). Also don’t get me started on their stance on China, it’s just another capitalist hellhole to them.
I see. I don’t want to bad mouth them since I think they do amazing work, but what you’re saying tracks with reports I’ve seen of other members online. The only thing I really dislike about them is their stance on China like you mentioned, that one is just bs.
Please don’t give up. You are incredibly valuable to this world and the movement. As a USian, I’ve had a similar experience to you, getting a 2 year degree in computer science, and having to work in IT, which was killing me internally, only to be fired from a new shitty boss and not find any employment for adequate pay. Now I am trucking to make ends meet. My goal is to save to pay for an education in electrical engineering, if that’s even possible in the next few years. Even if I achieve getting a better degree, I doubt I will be able to find employment and will have to attempt running a computer repair business. I envy you for being able to complete a Computer Science degree and being able to work on open source terminal programs.
Parties will make mistakes and will come and go, but losing you, comrade, will only make it more difficult to build a better movement and to take advantage of the weeks when decades happen.
You’re very young, and there’s many world changing events, from climate change to the collapse of the dollar, that is coming in our lifetimes. I wouldn’t be so sure we have lost when we haven’t really faced the storm yet. A lot is about to change that may radicalize many people and potentially turn the tide.
I wish you success in finding affordable living accomodations, a less shitty job, and the income to work on your hobbies.
