My wife found out Saturday through an ancestry.com DNA test that her dad is not her actual biological father. Her mother had a supposed one time incident with a man she found on Facebook through the names on the ancestry test. Her parents separated when she was 6. She wasn’t close with her dad over the years, but there was nothing ugly about it. Now she has been getting closer with him. She doesn’t want to tell him that he’s not her biological father, as that would hurt the relationship.
I told her she needs to tell him, because honesty is a building block of a relationship and that he’s still her father. If he finds out through the test that he took too (and didn’t put it together that she’s not his), then he will be devastated that she didn’t say anything. My question is, should she tell him or not?
I’ll support her decision either way, but I think honesty is the right thing. The right thing isn’t always the easy thing. I understand that her Dad, who raised her, will always be her true father to her.
I vote for no, there’s nothing to gain from telling him.
Except if he finds out later that she was hiding this from him deliberately that could be excruciatingly hurtful. Whereas telling him now, I think, is more likely to play out as a “I just found out but you’re still my dad regardless of genetics” thing.
Idk I feel like most dads would accept “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid it would change our relationship, when I really love what we have now and don’t want to lose it, and when no matter what the genes say, I’ll always think of you and love you as my dad” as a valid excuse.
This, many times over, this.
The upvotes to this are short-sighted and, as a step-dad myself, I can only wish the opposite we’re true. I cannot imagine having the rare chance at rebuilding a fractured relationship with my flesh & blood decades later and then hearing from them that it wasn’t technically accurate? 💀 No, the simple act of telling him would imply importance, and that is not the intent. Don’t. Please, don’t.
It’s reasonable to suspect that something like this might be important and denying him the truth is denying him agency to choose.
It may be the case that you would rather not know. How can you guarantee the same about another man you’ve never met?
You missed my point entirely. Please, reread.
“her dad is not her actual biological father”
Who cares. he is her dad.
But seriously, while pedantic I think differentiating between “dad” and “father” is part of the solution here. Your title leans into one of the most abrasive ways she could break the news (I know that wasn’t a proposed phrasing). “Your my dad, I love you, but turns out your not my bilogical father” is much more palatable way to break the news, and puts the focus on what’s actually important.
Either way, as you said, it’s her decision. Even if agreement from us commenters is unanimous she should chuck out all our opinions and do what she thinks is right.
He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy.
I feel like the first thing you said kind of goes without saying and of course she wouldn’t put him on a tee and blast him with “you ain’t my daddy.” I guess I’m just looking to put my thoughts out somewhere, because I can’t talk to anyone about it. Thank you!
I know it’s not intentional, but the language does matter. By saying “she’s not his daughter” as in the title, it suggests to anyone who has kids that are not biologically related to them, that they are not their kids. Similarly, when people talk of someone’s “real parents”.
No.
What good will come of it? What bad will come of it?
I can’t think of a good, but for a bad he could have his heart broken.
He’s her dad. He raised her. Anything else is unimportant after this.
If he finds out and asks her, that is the answer.
“You are my dad.”
When I was in my early 20s I found out my dad isn’t my biological dad. He doesn’t know and I never told him. I agree with this advice and reasoning 100%.
Extremely well put. I understand @JoumanaKayrouz@lemmy.world 's point of view, that honesty is the best policy - but I do think this is one of the few exceptions to that.
There are some things you should sleep on for a night.
And there are some things you should sleep on for a month.
Then there is this.
That’s a good point. She said that she needs to process before talking to him.
That’s valid.
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Imagine if your child finds out and you’ve lied to him 20 years. It might matter to him. I know if I found out that my parents weren’t my biological parents and they didn’t tell me that I would be devastated. Of course her Dad will always be her Dad, but that doesn’t make it hurt less.
So… should I also tell him his mum cheated on me and also ruin my marriage?
Yeah nah I’m good.
Dude, your cheating wife ruined the marriage, not you. I’m glad you’re good with it though.
I’m a disabled veteran and rely on her to look after me. I’ll be in a cardboard box on the side of a road without her or dead probably. Things aren’t always as simple as they seem.
If my son finds out I’ll just say it was a shock to me too.
It’s a father’s job to protect their kids, and though this probably means little from an internet stranger, I think you’re doing a good job. Your son is lucky to have you. Revealing the truth does nothing for your son, and it doesn’t change the past. Sometimes it’s okay to let the past die.
Preach
You would be devastated, but that doesn’t mean everyone would react the same as you would. Your wife will be a better judge of her father’s temperament, and ultimately, it’s her decision. It seems like you’re very focused on convincing her that your way is the “right” way to go about this. I’d encourage you to step back and realize that both paths have potential for harming their relationship. This should be your wife’s to handle.
This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy. As painful as it is, there’s just no good way to keep a secret like this once the genie is out of the bottle. There are too many ways for it to click for Dad, and too many different vectors for the information to make it to him even if he doesn’t piece things together.
Only she can make the decision and only she knows her dad, but OP’s wife should probably have a private conversation with him and explain that the test is not wrong, with sensitivity and emotional truth. Of course he’ll be hurt and embarrassed. He might be angry, but by hiding it, especially when he’s interested in AncestryDNA (which, btw, is rock solid at this scale), she’d just be adding onto the list of people who’ve lied to him and who decided they were equipped to make decisions for him. She’s just hoping to play kick the can until he dies, and that’s no way to have an honest relationship with someone you love.
The toolset available to those who want to be unfaithful has simply shrunk in the last 10-20 years. There is a lot of family hurt that is coming out due to it, and IMHO it is a fool’s errand to try to deny it exists, rather than mitigate it with love and empathy.
This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy
Sounds like an opertunity to build the community here.
Thank you for putting how I feel so elegantly.
The honest truth is… It doesn’t matter. Being a dad/father is not the same as being a genetic donor.
Your wife is not the cheater here and has no obligation to say anything. Again, because it doesn’t matter.
The easy thing is to immediately tell him. The hard thing is to let the past stay in the past. If he finds out on his own means, and cares enough to roach the topic, it’s a great time to have the conversation about what a father is.
undefined> The easy thing is to immediately tell him.
Tell that to my wife
Dude, you focused on 1 sentence and missed the point.
#1 It is Your WIFE’S relationship. Stay out of it unless she asks for advice.
#2 Your wife knows her dad better than you do. Trust her.
#3 Biology does not make a parent. She believes her genetics is irrelevant to her relationship with her father. She’s probably right. Odds are that he’s suspected she’s biologically not his for a while anyway.
#4 He took the test, too. He knows. Knowing that she knows and is still seeking him out as though nothing has changed probably means the world to him. No need to confront something they both are ignoring.
#5 Your wife is a full-grown, functioning adult with a mature relationship with her father. She can make these decisions without your assistance. Quit it.
Also, if you undermine this and leak it in any way, she has every right to leave you. This could be divorce-worthy behavior.
Stay. Out. Of. Her. Relationship. With. Her. Dad.
If I could upvote this a dozen times, I would. Well said.
Let your wife handle it.
I am letting her handle it. I just can’t talk to anyone about it and I needed to get this all out of me.
Totally understandable. It’s a big deal and you need to be able to tell someone for your sanity.
I am staying out of her relationship. She did ask for advice. I’m not going to leak anything. I just offered my advice of honesty.
I already acknowledged the rest of those points numerous times in this thread. I feel like you are projecting some sort of controlling husband traits onto me.
Your comments in this thread make you sound controlling and judgmental, but I don’t think you’re trying to be. I think you feel strongly about this and think she’s making a mistake…but that’s the thing: This is HER mistake to make. It sounds like your wife wants time to process this, but you are pressuring her to tell him immediately. You are so sure she should be honest with him about this, you make comments about comparing her not telling on her mother’s affair results (her dad not fathering her) with her cheating on you. That’s such a low blow, I’m surprised you didn’t pick up on the controlling/manipulative vibe yourself.
I get that you feel strongly about this. But it is NOT your relationship and not your consequences. If she tells him and their fragile relationship implodes…YOU will share the blame. If she takes the time she needs and decides he can handle it, and their relationship implodes…she will not blame you for it.
Just listen to her, like really listen. Don’t listen for ways to argue that she should do what you want her to do…just hear her. Let her process this and make her own decision. She is the one risking her dad here, not you. Let her figure it out. Repeat what she says so she can hear it…don’t add judgmental tones. Just be there and let her do the deciding.
This is HER mistake to make. It sounds like your wife wants time to process this, but you are pressuring her to tell him immediately.
No I’m not, and I’ve said that like 8 times. I’ve addressed all of the things you are claiming numerous times. I do listen to her. I’m not taking any action. I haven’t even mentioned to her that I think she should tell him since she said she didn’t want to. You are acting like the fact that I have an opinion means that I’m orchestrating some sort of evil plan.
#1 It is Your WIFE’S relationship. Stay out of it unless she asks for advice.
Stay. Out. Of. Her. Relationship. With. Her. Dad.
Have you ever even had a girlfriend? This is so devoid of humanity that I actually feel sorry for you.
Don’t tell. If he finds out she can say she already knew but doesn’t care because it changes nothing Dad.
I agree, hiding things is not healthy for any kind of relationship
I want to ask her if she cheated on me, would it be ok to hide that because it might hurt me?
Don’t put her mom sins on her. Her mom is who lied originally, not her.
I see her withholding the truth as continuing the lie, but you are right.
It totally would not be okay
I don’t think so. It doesn’t do anything except confirm mom cheated and that he didn’t create a life. Let the past live in the past and be a close, loving family today.
I recently had some sensitive info that I was hesitant to tell my parents, nothing as major as this but still important to me. I decided to tell them and I’m really glad I did.
If he took the test too, he knows about it. If he wants to talk about it, he will. And if he wants to know why she didn’t raise it, it’s because he is still her dad.
My supposedly biological father refused to even take a dna test with me. We aren’t close, he doesn’t even call. But when I asked him to take the test with me when we were lay together, he said, “At any rate, you’re mine now and it doesn’t matter.” I appreciated that.
That’s my take too. He probably knows and also doesn’t want to lose her.
The truth is usually the right answer, and I think it is in this case too. However she should consider how it would affect her mother too.
Her mother made a mistake, I get that. But you’ve got to own up to your mistakes. Especially ones this big.
I think the question she should ask herself is what’s the cost. What it will cost him, if she insists on pursuing. Apparently they somehow already discussed the topic (since he did ask her about the results), it’s already “not even a possibility in his brain” that she’s not his bio (or he’s really pulling an IDGAF), so is it really worth digging further and forcing him to acknowledge that it’s “not an error”?
Personally, I think she’s all he has and he won’t even act like anything even happened. He’s still her father.
If he took a test at the same time, and knows she did as well, won’t he be asking about the results?
I think she should tell him, but also stress that to her she is his Dad, and if she isnt intending on tracking down her biological donor she should make that clear also. He was the one there throughout the years, he is the one trying to make an effort now. It sounds like she loves him and is afraid of losing him, give her some time to absorb and process. Maybe she could talk to a therapist to help her sort this out, and for tips on the best language to use etc?
I mean I’m estranged from my father and I would be having big feeling finding out something like this.
He did ask. She matched with her mom’s side, he matched with his side. She matched with people neither of them have ever heard of and he thinks it’s some sort of error. I think it’s so unbelievable to him that it’s not even a possibility in his brain.
Oof, that’s sad. I think she needs to tell the truth and that she is afraid of paying the price and losing her father, no matter the dna, because her mom was stupid enough to not only cheat, but to do it unprotected.
I have a lot of sympathy for all of you, except her mother. I also think he may be afraid, or just in denial but that doesn’t mean he will stay that way. She owes him the truth, even though it was never her lie or responsibility.
Oh so he knows they’re not a match? So, he knows. I don’t think she needs to add that she knows about her mom’s affair because even then that’s speculation on who it is and they’re already divorced. It would be different if they were still married. He’s probably in denial and afraid his daughter won’t want to be his daughter anymore even though that’s silly.
Best thing she can do is say, “welp, even if we’re not a match, you’re still my dad and I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Personal experience: my grandpa knows we took the test years ago and he hasn’t taken it. Turns out our mom is a completely different ethnic background from him (she’s half Italian instead of half Russian/Ashkenazi). He asks if we matched with our cousins and we change the subject. My definitely-not-Italian grandpa has a rose colored version of his dead wife in his head and we kids aren’t going to take that away from him in his old age even though I’m sure he knows.
*That to her, he is her dad
