SEPTEMBER 27, 2024----BREAKING NEWS! We have received confirmation from an extremely trustworthy source that Putin has once again recruited external allies to aid his ailing nation’s efforts to capitulate the brave freedom fighters in Ukraine (blessed are they by the corporate gods and may they boldly fight to the last Ukrainian so that we may know prosperity at home). This time, aside from another horde of North Korean zombies from Kim’s immense reserve, he has enlisted the aid of an unlikely army: one of martians, who are now disembarking from their flying saucers near donbas and karkiv and all the other famous fighty places in Ukraine by the millions.

It seems that in a desperate gamble to reverse his situation as Ukraine advances on all fronts, Putin has turned to his allies on mars to stop the turning tides of the war, with the unstoppable Ukrainian army spearheaded by brave Branderite brigades taking swathes of Russian soil daily following the supremely successful attack at Kursk. Indeed, some speculate that he’s selling the souls of the political prisoners and detained Ukrainians to the martians, whom high-ranking FBI officials have deducted feed off spirit energy provided in the form of innocent political dissidents. Indeed, this intelligence itself was sent directly from the Keev Post, a particularly reliable source many have dubbed the ‘gold standard of Ukraine war reporting.’

In a video call with president Biden, Vladimir Lensky urged America and Europe to ramp up weapons sales to Ukraine. “We’re in urgent need of materiel support here. The ruzians allies are swarming us with death rays that we’re defenseless against. Please send us your nuclear bombs so we can have a chance against these UFOs. You wouldn’t want your closest ally to be vulnerable to alien, and worse, ruzian attack, would you?”

The west as a whole has yet to respond these demands, with the Canadian representative requesting to partially offset lend-lease obligations by saluting more nazis in parliament.