feeling kinda down, ive been remembering some of my past failures as an organizer for mutual aid stuff in my locale and not reacting quickly enough due to technical or time issues. like i get its not my fault that this happened and is largely an infrastructure/trans people being poor issue/not having enough free time… but still. i think its so important that we build up a mutual aid structure that is highly centralized (but can be replaced if it breaks down) so we dont lose people because we didnt respond quickly enough. things like the trevor project / the phone hotlines are ok, but we really need a setup that can receive messages and respond to other trans people so they dont fucking off themselves before we give them, food, housing, medical stuff… stuff that would have solved their problems.

im hoping someday we’ll have all of our shit lined up. im fucking tired of the nth trans related charity that has a long drawn out process of means testing rather than directly assisting trans people as quickly as possible. im not like, super depressed or suicidal or anything anymore, just really sad for the people that are.

In one of my dreams last night I became a mom and people immediately started giving me shit for wanting to sleep. Then the hospital flooded and I woke myself up.

In another dream my aunt was telling me I need to eat more because of hrt.

disclaimer : none of what i’m about to say here is directed at anybody on this site. just processing some past stuff that’s related if anything lol. furthermore, my intention is not to dictate what is & isn’t a valid way of being trans, but to relate to you a very certain kind of individual yearning.

so it kinda hit me that the lack of leftists around me eventually got me stuck on this track of, like, expecting potential t4t contacts to at least not make me feel like an alien. boy was i ever a fool like, ok, how can i possibly expect the cissies in my life to understand where i’m coming from, when even the trans individuals i meet are clueless libs as a rule

like, i identify as a transfem enby, basically, which seems to be way too complicated for most folks, trans or not. & ofc on a rational level i understand that people are gonna people. even those who mean well tend to have an extremely limited idea of gender. still, i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t outright painful to keep running into siblings who were content to be reinforcing the very things that are designed to hold us down.

i’m trans, first & foremost. all that i am beyond this is more or less directly due to the trauma of having to grow up in, navigate & survive a patriarchal society. i can not & will not forget what created me. i suppose it must have made sense to me that, finally connecting with “my own kind,” it would be a common sentiment.