Couple months ago I met a woman who works at a dispensary I visit about once a week. We hit it off really well. Despite trying to just keep it casual sex, and that only, I ended up developing some feelings for her. She confessed the same to me. I even introduced her to my teenaged daughter, for fucks sake.
I ran into her this evening at a gas station, with another guy, who turns out to be her husband. They’ve been married five years, and have two children together, ages 4 and 2. Finding out they have kids just made me feel disgusting.
So, I told him. He didnt believe me until I described a tattoo in a somewhat intimate place on her body. I had no fucking clue she was married. I think I ruined someone’s marriage. Or at least took part in ruining one.
I feel guilty. I am sorry for what I participated in. Am I a bad person?
She had every opportunity to be honest from the outset of their relationship. Getting caught lying isn’t some magic reset where now you get to tell your side.
Talking about this in terms of social contract theory is really sidestepping the morality of the issue. Would you say that her lying entitles OP to punch her in the face? Surely not, two wrongs don’t make a right, punitive justice is bad, etc. What OP should do is investigate the issue with her not because she “gets to” tell her side or has a right to, but because he doesn’t know what the consequences of telling the husband would be. For all he knows, the husband is abusive and would beat her for this transgression, transgression though it is. The most likely outcome is, of course, that the husband is not abusive, but the most likely outcome of a round of Russian roulette is that you go unharmed. In either case, there is a real risk that is severe enough that it’s worth checking, even if it’s substantially less likely.
Actually, within your framework, the morally correct thing to do is make sure she didn’t notice you seeing her, quietly break it off, and do absolutely nothing else beyond that. You can’t possibly know for certain the outcomes of your actions no matter how much “investigation” you do, so the possibility of causing a negative outcome exists if you attempt to influence the situation in any way.
That only makes sense if you completely discount the husband as a moral patient. While I’m arguing that he’s been slightly over-emphasized, I am by no means discounting him and in most possible scenarios believe he should be informed. If he has no history known to his wife of probably 4+ years of being an abuser to her or others as far as she knows, it’s pretty unlikely that he is. Making the decision to not tell him anyway on the very, very unlikely chance that he, as a historically normal dude, snaps and blows her head off with a shotgun, is completely discounting the guaranteed outcome of him being wronged by being left in the dark about this.
there is a non-trivial chance that this woman now gets battered because of OP. he could have not acted emotionally and taken steps to ensure that wasn’t a possibility.
There was a non-trivial chance that OP could get battered or straight up murdered without any knowledge or consent able to be given if the husband were to ever find out. The other party took zero of the steps available to mitigate this possibility.
There’s a non-trivial chance that this behavior puts their children in danger because the offending party is making risky decisions to cover up their indiscretion. It’s impossible to know.
Maybe the “investigation” removed the woman into doing something unconscionable.
In any number of imaginary situations, the OP took the morally correct approach and your approach could have gotten someone hurt or killed by inaction. It’s an incredibly morally ambiguous position to be put in and this guy did what he felt was right, it’s hard for me to pass that kind of judgement on him.
blaming the woman for the theoretical actions of her theoretically murderous husband, nice. not engaging with this misogynistic nonsense. tbh women in cishet relationships cheating is basically nbd anyway, couldn’t care less.
C’mon.
Yeah no that’s a shitty thing to say.
This is a very wild position to have and is proof that, when I ascend to Stalinhood, all sex and romantic relationships will be banned.
Stalin definitely fucked though
Also, no offense but please, touch grass and consider the human element of things. Cheating generally sucks but there’s a whole world of circumstances out there (many of which are far more common than you’d like to know) which would excuse or even justify it in varying degrees, and even if we’re to assume uncharitable things, they’re still human beings (who have messed up in doing very human things).
That’s why he stopped at Berlin.
Also, no offense taken. I live an extremely grass-filled life, I just can’t handle inconsistency. I understand that circumstances may justify unfaithfulness to a spouse, but completely lying about it to the guy who made the post means you’re just a piece of shit. That clearly hits a raw nerve with a lot of people but it’s not really a gray area.
Idk, I’ve been in pretty controlling abusive situations and it’s taken me a long time to be open about them, even to my therapists. I don’t think that’s a level of duplicity that means my abuser is right for abusing me. That sort of situation makes a person cagey as hell and terrified of losing any social connections outside of the abusive relationship.
It might be nothing, maybe the couple actually do this all the time and nothing untoward is happening at all, but it happens often enough that it’s worth not jumping the gun.