my supervisor is an extrovert, whereas I’m an introvert. She feels insulted if I don’t share my personal life with her and ridicules me before other coworkers because I separate private and work life and prefer to keep to myself.
I wrote mobbing because that’s what it feels to me: a ritual of hers is to always eat together, a time she uses to ask me questions I don’t want to answer. I usually answer very vaguely, which is not enough for her. If I eat alone, she’ll complaint about why am I being so unfriendly.
She doesn’t understand I need time alone to unwind.
She is convinced she is doing me a favor, but the opposite is true. It makes me dislike her even more.
I simply cannot win. It’s tiring being blamed and shamed for preferring to read a book instead of talking about dogs or sex.
It makes me want to quit.
I don’t know if I go to HR with an issue like this, because they may label me the odd one, the one who’s not a teamplayer and use it against me.
Most people are extroverted and react angrily to somebody who keeps to himself and I’ve been bullied several times for this. Extroverts don’t seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn’t mean disrespect, but simply that I don’t care about it.
Make it clear that your supervisor is trapped in your conversation, not the other way around. When you have to be professional, be professional. But the rest of the time, talk about the dirt between the planks of wood at home. Talk about the sedimentation process of your aquarium’s gravel. Basically the moste innate and boring topics that no normal human would bring up, repeated ad nauseam.
Make sure to take long pauses just to resume talking. Remember to take your time while monopolizing the conversation trying to find a word your forgot about.
Remember to mispronounce every word, especially if he corrects you but be sure to keep plausible deniability just in case he accuses you of doing it on purpose.
Remember to always blame everything on something that has no connection to it.
Remember to enrich your diet with garlic, to use terrible flavored candy or just skipping a meal for extra word flavor, if you can take the reputation hit.
Remember the magical phrase: “that reminds me of” and all variants of it.
Remember to look into his eyes, and to alternate between them and another part of his face as if something is wrong with it. Keep affirming that everything is alright while staring at that part.
Change the subject. All the time.
Have terribly strong inconsequential opinions and remind about them all the time.
Monopolize the conversation, but make him want to cut you off or talk. I
IMPORTANT : If the other party is silent, state how comfortable you are with this silent friendship.
If you’re ok with being up front with people, you could just say “hey, do you mind giving me some alone time while I eat? It’s nothing personal, I just prefer to use this time to recharge by myself.”
If you’d prefer to manufacture an excuse, you could tell her you’re going to use your lunch hour to try a new mindfulness meditation technique you heard about, and need to avoid conversation during that time.
If you have the option to take your lunch somewhere else where she won’t find or bother you, that’s an option.
I think usually just keeping your nose in your book a few seconds too long before giving short answers to questions, then going right back to reading, is enough discomfort for a person like her that even if she didn’t get the hint that you don’t care to be bothered, she would at least prefer talking to someone else instead.
I would keep the vague answers and start asking the questions myself. Very specific and more personal each time. To see where she can get before she gets the message.
don’t do this OP
I could see that backfiring though…
HR isn’t the employees friend, ever.
But that’s where you start the paper trail. It’s really the safest bet
Especially if the topic is sex, as OP claims. Like WTF.
I had the luck of working at two places where HR took the real meaning of Human Resources to heart. One place saw their role as maintaining the “resources” in good stead like they would for their machines or tooling, since a broken resource can’t further your company goals. They offeres check-ins to see how things were going, any gripes, any way to spread workload.
Current one has been great too. I had one employee being quite toxic about other employees as an odd way to create internal allegiences and it was creating a difficult situation. I talked with HR rep and they took care of it. That employee now acts professionally.
Sometimes HR is OK, but read the company culture first
I’m an extrovert. That’s not the problem. This is social bullying. Please don’t frame this as “extrovert” behavior. This is reprehensible social interaction. As an extrovert I would NEVER talk about personal experiences at work. I would NEVER ask anyone to participate in my conversations unless they clearly wanted to. Stop conflating extroversion with bullying.
The problem is caused by a combination of extraversion and low social intelligence.
Extraversion isn’t the problem, and I didn’t get the sense that OP was saying all extraverted people are like this. But the problem is undoubtedly related to the boss’ extraversion
And the skewed power dynamic.
When I saw the title, my first reaction was to talk it out and explain your feelings to her. Once I read the rest, though, I changed my mind.
This is shaming and bullying. Sex is also a huge no-no. A supervisor should know better. HR is probably your best option.
I know that for years it’s been popular to say things like “HR exists to protect the company, not you.” In many cases, that’s still true. However, companies (and society in general) have become more sympathetic to issues like yours. They’d rather discipline people like her than deal with the multimillion dollar settlements that people like her cause.
HR does exist to protect the company, but sometimes that aligns with your needs. In this case, HR is likely more interested in avoiding a sexual harassment case (which would cost the company), so they’re probably going to hear you out.
Right, HR is there to protect the company. Your manager is (almost always) not the company. So if the manager is doing something fucky, that’s what HR is for.
One note: document everything brought up to HR. If it is a small HR department, they could very well be friends with the supervisor and take their side. HR does indeed exist to protect the company but it is also made up of people (often extroverted ones). Documenting everything can help you out if there is any sort of retaliation. A threat of a lawsuit is absolutely something that can make a company be very apologetic and much more generous. I have had several friends that made sure they documented everything and were given six months severance when there was a possibility of a lawsuit.
Join a union if you haven’t already, talk to a union rep.
Sounds like you need to communicate your desires. This is not limited to extroverts. It’s harder for us introverts but not impossible.
I’d ask for them to stop. If this isn’t followed, something written. If this isn’t followed, time to involve someone higher. I’m very reluctant to involve HR, they’re going to fuck with you very likely. However, your supervisor’s supervisor might be able to help. Important to slowly escalate and make a paper trail if the initial verbal ask doesn’t work out.
Also, did I read that correctly that sex is being discussed? As in sexual intercourse?
Can you just tell her that you like to have quiet time at lunch to recharge for the afternoon?
It seems at least possible that her intentions are good, and you don’t want to blow up your job, right? Have you told her directly that you like her and like your job, but the lunch-and-interrogation is not your idea of a break, and you do need a break? With a smile, do not feel like you are doing anything wrong. You are not doing anything wrong.
I am surprised nobody else is sitting these out ever, if every other person in your group looks forward to the lunches and they are part of what she considers the culture of the department, maybe it’s important to her. But I have never worked anywhere where it was a requirement like that.
“Hey, I need to use my lunch break to get away from work things/have some quiet down time. Give me a break and I’ll be better for the afternoon.” Subjects you don’t want to discuss: “Oooh, that doesn’t seem like a topic appropriate for work. What about [thing you are comfortable discussing, work thing].”
I highly recommend becoming very willing to spend time discussing one personal thing so they feel like they’re making a connection. I use my pets, but you can use a sports team as some others suggest, or a hobby you don’t mind sharing, like your progress on painting minis/knitting that sweater/book you’re reading/ latest album from favorite musician. Extroverts want a connection, give them a little and redirect to that thing when they probe.
If your boss persists in bothering you at lunch, ask if you should clock in since this is a work discussion, or if it’s really your personal time to use as you wish.
If they persist in bringing up wildly inappropriate topics like sex, say that you’re uncomfortable. Make it obvious they’re being weird at work. saying “I don’t like discussing my sexual preferences at work”, or similar, loud enough for others in the breakroom to hear should make them uncomfortable. if that doesn’t get you anywhere, there are protections in the US for some things. go to HR, explain you’ve tried explicitly telling them not to talk to you about whatever inappropriate topic, and it’s continuing. Call out that you’re feeling harassed by them continuing to bring up this subject that is not work related. HR might want to try a mediated discussion about it; 1 is reasonable, multiple is not.
if it gets to where you need HR and are worried about your legal rights, find a local worker’s rights lawyer to provide advice. they should be able to tell you what is reasonable effort from the company to fix the situation. be prepared to lose your job if it gets this far.
you shouldn’t have to discuss sex at work as small talk. it can come up in some jobs (medicine, sex work) but shouldn’t be in most workplaces, and there are protections from this kind of harassment in the US.
I like answering with completely bullshit made up stories. Over the top, but still comprehensible. It’s obvious they’re fake, but there’s no hard proof of it.
“What did you do this weekend?”
“I went to the second, secret Burning Man where they immolate an actual man.”
I’ll trade you the communal toothbrush for this joke.
“I went to the third, even more secret Burning Man where a man immolate himself and we sat around him.”
It’s important for you to learn to set boundaries. And to block questions that you feel are hitting “too close to home”. So don’t respond. Just tell her that you have a private life that you’d like to keep to yourself.
There’s nothing wrong with that. You just need some time and practice to stand up for yourself. :)
As a fellow introvert, I’ve found that being meek and timid about uncomfortable situations just invites more trouble from extroverts. The best way to handle it is to be direct and firm. If she wants to be nosy, then drop all the gory details:
"I’m an introvert and I don’t feel comfortable sharing my personal life with coworkers. I know you, as an extrovert, want to be involved in everyone’s personal lives and there’s nothing wrong with that, but as a leader and a manager, you need to understand how to change tracks and adapt to your subordinates’ needs.
“I need time to myself to recharge; being around people is mentally and emotionally draining for me. It’s not something I can “fix,” it’s just the way I am, and no amount of exposure to people or social events will ever change that. I need you to understand that and adapt to my needs, in order for you to effectively manage me.”
I worked my way up the ranks in the US military and eventually found myself managing people. As an introvert, I found it extremely difficult to get out and talk to my subordinates. But I soon realized that the mission wouldn’t get done unless I did my job, so I quickly learned how to fake an extroverted personality while at work so I could talk to people and ensure mission success. Then I’d go home and crash. I’d spend my evenings either sleeping or bundled up, watching TV or playing video games, just to recharge so I could do it all again the next day.
But one of the things I learned was how to adapt to the needs of my subordinates. I had one guy who was a complete fuck-up. Couldn’t do anything right without someone holding his hand. So I either had to be very hands-on with him, or delegate that responsibility to one of my subordinate leaders.
But then I had another guy who grew up in a ghetto being plagued by corrupt cops, and he hated anyone in an authority position over him. Why he joined the military, I dunno. We were all about authority and respecting rank and file. But if I even spoke to him, he would shut down and then be unproductive all day. As long as I left him alone, he was my hardest and most productive worker. So I learned to leave him alone and he practically did my job for me. Maybe your supervisor needs to learn that lesson with you.
I didn’t read your whole comment, but from what i did read I can say this is basically the correct answer. The only thing I’d add is to also include nice sentiments and productivity explanations.
Like:
“Hey [person’s name], do you have a couple minutes? I wanna have a quick chat. I wanna let you know that I’m a significant introvert, which means i need alone time and and social boundaries. I think you’re a very nice person and i appreciate all the efforts you’ve made trying to connect with me, but that actually makes things more difficult for me. It emotionally stresses me out, and that in turn also reduces my productivity at work. I think you’re great, but it would be really helpful to me if there were no extra social interactions with me beyond what’s needed for our work to get done smoothly. I know you have good intentions when asking about my personal life and striking up conversations, and i honestly appreciate that intent, but it would be great if I could have social interactions kept to the minimum. I really appreciate your consideration on this stuff, thanks.”
If you work at a company with a competent HR department they will be very interested in hearing about how your supervisor is forcing you to eat lunch with her while she interrogates you about your sex life. That is 100% not appropriate in HR world. Just don’t ever believe anyone in HR is actually your friend, stick to the truth always, and document everything. Literally, keep a log of everything. If you end up in lawyer world they will be very happy that you have documentation of dates and who was there and what happened.
