Today I was with a group of colleagues. We’re all teachers. We’d just got done with a meeting and were gathering up our things before lunch. I asked the group if anyone had a certain resource. “Hey, does anyone have a copy of such and such standard I could print?” No answers. Not that everyone was quiet. They just kept talking amongst themselves. It’s not like I was trying to but into their conversations either. I was participating, at least somewhat. So I asked again when I felt like there was a natural lull. Still nothing. I looked directly at some of them too. Just blank stares.
This doesn’t happens to me a lot, but often enough that I fear it. And when it does happen it causes me a lot of anxiety. I don’t know what it is. I feel like a child, like when my older brother would purposely ignore me when we were kids.
I’m pretty attentive to other people when they talk to me. When I’m in big groups I try to make sure everyone is heard. I never want anyone to feel left out or unheard. Am I missing some social understanding that seems obvious to everyone else? Should I speak louder? Say different words? Most of the time I just shrink and walk away from whatever I wanted to say. I feel like people hear me but don’t want to respond.
I don’t know. It just stings. Maybe it’s just an insecurity I’ve harbored since I was little. I feel silly for posting this, but I’ve never really asked if this happens to anyone else.
I feel you. I hate that feeling. To me the worst is if you make a joke or suggestion and the reaction is silence, but if someone else says it they get laughter or praise.
I don’t know your exact position, but getting louder the second time is an option that can help. But if your colleagures are just assholes or bullies I can only say just hang in there.
if someone else says it they get laughter or praise.
That I can live with because it affirms someone actually heard me.
Like when you order a T-bone steak at a team lunch in the hopes of gaining the nickname “T-bone” but someone else does the same thing and they give them the nickname instead.
Just throwing this out there, T-bone is a pretty cool nickname.
Then we should call you T-Bone!
Talk directly to people, say their name. Also, assume they have brain damage.😅 They’re probably not doing it on purpose, they probably just don’t have an answer and are leaving it to someone who does.
There’s a move you can try, I picked up from a pretty charismatic guy I met couple years back. What he’ll do is point at people, kinda rudely, but once he has their attention he spreads his hand open widely in almost a “just playing” manner. And it kinda dissolves any tension. Pretty useful for singling people out. I’d use it sparingly unless you wanna make it part of your image. He makes it work for him.
That’s a good tip! Thanks!
Welcome! Hope it helps!
It sucks when this happens, unfortunately it happens to everyone, I’m sure, from time to time. It happens less frequently if you’re more assertive, but it happens to everyone. You’re not alone.
Thank you. I’ve never known everyone experiences this.
That actually sounds like something I’ve experienced at some point. I HATE being interrupted, so I go out of my way to avoid doing it to other people. And I’m pretty sensitive, so I don’t want to start off a statement by suddenly cutting through total silence, so I tend to speak softly. Fact is, I think people just tune me out without thinking. It’s nothing personal, though I still feel shitty when it happens.
Yeah, happens to everyone from time to time. More likely to happen the bigger the group, because they think ‘ah, someone else will answer that’… Then nobody does, and then it becomes awkward to reply. A good person replies no matter the awkwardness, but a lot of people have very tight and egoistic senses of self.
It also is more likely to happen if it’s a tough question/a question that will require actioning. It’s one of those annoying phenomenons. No one blanks a personal ‘hows it going!’ - lots of people blank a group directed ‘can someone check the stock room for a stapler?’
It also could’ve just been coincidence. Everyone was thinking about something else in their heads.
a sort of conversational bystander effect? 🤔 wonder if the same remedy – picking a person to directly address instead of addressing the group – would work, or would it be too awkward for use with people you see repeatedly? (or maybe even seem confrontational or imperious?)
@FishLake@lemmygrad.ml this happens to me too occasionally, and it does feel terrible
sorry that we have this in common!I’d say yeah, just be that person. If someone won’t listen, sometimes you have to make them listen. Nothing wrong with that.
this happens all the time post transition, im pretty sure i can get away with murder
If it were just once I would say that’s not uncommon, but you waiting politely for a natural lull, making deliberate eye contact and being ignored again makes me think something else is up.
Like something up with them or me?
Something up with them, that they would deliberately ignore you. It sounds like it could be part of bullying/hazing. Have you recently joined this workplace? Do they only behave like this when a certain colleague is in the room? Do they ignore you when you’re with them individually?
(I think for it to be bullying, some work places require the action to be repeated, so please take the event in context and see if it’s part of regular behaviour that your coworkers take towards you.)
Speaking for myself, if I were ignored once I wouldn’t make anything of it. Sometimes people don’t hear me, or are focussed on something else, or I didn’t speak loudly enough. If I repeat the question and am ignored, in a workplace I would expect them to either reply or tell me why my question was inappropriate or poorly timed. e.g. “Hey sorry PAC, we’d rather discuss the matter at hand first, I can get to your question after the meeting is over”. In a workplace I think you are right to expect a baseline of respect and communication to help you do your job, people don’t have to like you but they should at least meet this mimimum, and this was not granted in the example you gave.
Yeah I don’t think it’s bullying or hazing or something like that. I’ve known these people for years, and while we don’t work closely together (we meet maybe four times a year) they’ve always been nice to me. Never shown animosity toward me.
I think when I asked my question the people who I’m most close to had either left already or were engaged in side conversations. The others either didn’t hear me both times or were just jerks in the moment.
One person from a different department actually did over hear me and offered to help. Which was nice.
Okay :) thanks for the extra context, puts me at ease that this wasn’t malicious and your explanations/interpretations make sense. I guess it’s just one of those things.
Maybe it’d work to have an “attention getter” before your request? Like “hey y’all (pause until some heads turn) Does anyone have this resource I can copy?”.
I think most people need to register that there’s talking, and that the talking involves them, before they can really clue in on the content.
I tend to be pretty anxiously observant about my surroundings, and I don’t think that’s typical. Most people don’t really have their antennae out at all times.
Idk, tho. I wouldn’t be very comfortable in that position.
I think it’s entirely plausible that they weren’t being obtuse. It’s hard to interrupt a conversation with words. Also, especially in a work environment, the lull in the conversation might be coupled with people taking a breath, dissociating, and thinking about some task looming over them.
You know how it’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it? Body language and the like? If people are having a conversation that I need to break into to ask something, I’d make sure that it’s something that’s jovial or at least less pressing than my problem and physically be seen and touch their shoulder to get their attention. I’d straight up think of interruption as a melee skill as opposed to a magic spell like speaking over them. If not physical touch, I’d take my elbow at least 5cm away from my ribs and wave my hand.
I think it’s a quirk of feeling ignored that makes you so receptive to others who want to be heard. It’s like how broken people smile the hardest.
It’s like how broken people smile the hardest.
Mood
Yeah, I’m luckily so shameless that I’ll usually follow it up with “no? Nothing? Okayyyy…” But it does happen. If I do it to someone else it’s either because i totally zoned out (oop sorry i know it’s rude) or because the person said something where my only reply would get me in trouble (chud saying something at work where i want to tell them to go fuck themselves and die)
Even thinking about drawing that much attention to myself after a social faux pas is giving me a panic attack lol. Good on you for being shameless.
I often offer my services to my less social friends. I’ll talk to the waiter or go to the front desk of the place we’re at no problem.
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Thanks :)
Do they know each other better than they know you? Is there something they all share in common that you don’t? Is there an age gap? Seniority gap? Do they all go to the same church? Have they clocked your politics? Are you new to the area? Are they a clique? Some groups of people just won’t talk to you unless you are socially relevant to them or unusually charismatic. If you’re neither of those things it can be hard to break in.
