You’re beating me for sweetest poster

The last four months of my life have been some of the shittiest of my life. My wife has been so sick we’re in the ER like a dozen times a month. I have to do everything to take care of her and frequently have to stay awake all night too make sure she keeps breathing.

My car completely died and I had to buy a new one. My boiler has a pipe burst and my basement flooded. My oven hasn’t been working for months but I can’t fix it cause I’m so busy taking care of everything else. My animals are all suffering from the lack of attention too.

I’ve also got enough medical problems that I’m considered 100% disabled. So I’ve been in a hell of lot of pain this whole time I’m taking care of her.

Oh and my brother died on my mom’s 60th birthday.

It has been pure hell and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through. I try not to complain because my wife’s life is so much worse but holy fuck I’m dieing.

One of my advisees is literally having to skip town because some guys in his neighborhood found out where he lives and tried to break into his parents apartment to get him. The situation sucks so bad. He was going to graduate in like three months, fuck

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I can live almost indefinitely on welfare, but I feel so trapped. It’s hard to be social without spending money, and my ability to to get tools and stuff for projects is limited by money. The longer I’m unemployed the weirder my resume looks.

I hate being stared at in public. I can never tell if it’s people clocking me, staring because I look good, or just getting an eyeful of my tits. It really doesn’t matter which one it is; It makes me very uncomfortable and I wish people would just leave me alone. Especially since it’s almost always men.

When will you stop being so wholesome dangit?

My problem is that I despise work, but the fact that it’s a remote-only positions, which is a now largely-diminished thing again for no good reason, means I’m not likely to fall into another good role for my location. And because I’m using this income to pay debts and house a disabled family member, I’m kinda locked into needing this level of income for at least the next 10 years. So I don’t really have any option to… leave. I am trying to find other self-employed ways to earn ye olde cash, though. Admittedly, work = sucks is not a unique problem.

My other worry is that though things with my ~20 month partner are overall great, I’m scared that maybe I don’t want to commit to it with marriage and moving in and stuff (which they very much want). I dunno, this feels really weird, I really really like my partner, this relationship is super healthy and they are absolutely amazing. I just struggle with thoughts of “but what if I go on to meet someone that I somehow liked more”. It feels asshole-y to even say but it’s just a fear stuck in my head. I’m not sure if I’m just being selfish, or I’m making life difficult for myself, or it’s a red flag I should be paying attention to. Whatever I do is not just about my personal benefit, I want to do right by them too.

My other fear is how you’re doing, comrade. It’s super cool that you’re making chill threads like these and I suddenly realise how nice of a vibe it is and love it. But I hope you’re doing okay. I declare this thread also a safe space for you to vent if you want to <3

if someone comes to you and says this person abused my deceased best friend as a teenager, please, please, please, DO NOT immediately bring the deceased persons sexual history into the conversation

fuck

thats all I have to say right now, fuck again for good measure

what a week 😮‍💨

I’m not as gay as I should be

I miss talkin bout weird fucking books.

I used to do it a lot on leddit, then goodreads, and then a discord server for a bit; I thought about doing it here too but it’s basically shouting into the void. This here effortpost talks a bit about how the sheer volume of media means that it’s common for two people with the same general interest to have engaged with none of the same stuff, and it’s worse in my case since my special interest has me frequently deliberately seeking out weird and obscure books. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve even met someone who’s heard of any of the weird fucking trans-centric litfic, or sapphic horror novels I like.

I had a good thing going on leddit, because the subreddit’s mods were weirdly permissive about my semi offtopic book essays, but fuck honestly. I like reading a lot on its own obviously, but I have always desired people to talk and discuss the stuff with, and I have just never found much of anybody.

Also social skills of a dead slug etc etc

I bought a full script of seroquel that a friend found dumpster diving (he finds a FUCK ton of cool shit) and started taking them every day, and I feel like it’s legit helping me, mentally.

I feel like I’m mostly over my ex-friend. What keeps me coming back is the shame, and just the fucking anger at how I’ve been treated, by everyone. It still makes me upset that I’ll never know this person, that I don’t get to be a part of their life because of what a fucking freak I am, and I don’t even want friends anymore after all this. I just wish they’d fucking talk to me. It makes me so fucking angry when I think about it. They won’t so much as tell me why they unfriended me on Facebook. I can just perfectly fucking imagine the smug fucking look they must’ve had on their face when they told my friend I need to “move on.” I fucking hate this. The worst part is how nobody takes my pain seriously. “It gets better” like I’m supposed to just boil to death in this pain until eventually it’s over.

I should probably take another seroquel.

It’s been 5 months and I still haven’t found a job, and it’s getting to me to the point that I am having a depression relapse. I have done some interviews and even received an offer (which I rejected because the guy wanted me to pass an one month probation period and wouldn’t wait for me to relocate + bad vibes after an 100 question personality test that outed me as “unsociable” and “not kind enough”), but I am still holed in my home all day. If I didn’t have my girlfriend I would be completely fucked mood-wise now.

I am doing something wrong for sure, I can’t lie easily, I probably take the job requirements at face value and I am very bad at self-learning (without a structured environment like school), but what I can do when I have autism, ADHD and OCD, it’s too much sometimes. I can’t network or write a ton of cover letters or fish for referals in LinkedIn as easily as a neurotypical could.

I want to work and contribute to society. I am actually pretty decent at what I do, and I graduated with an insane GPA. Just hire me already AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I’ll redeem at a later date. Thanks for making the thread.