I’m 41F. I was married but separated 8 years ago. I was still young but was very traumatized and never really wanted another relationship. Lately I’ve been feeling a little lonely and would like to meet some new people but I moved and don’t have many friends here and the ones I have are younger and do younger people things (like going out at night. I’m too old for that lol). I wanted to meet some people my age, friends or dates, but almost everyone is married. I do cooking and French classes but again, only young people do that and I’m the “odd old lady”. I think people past 40 don’t really have hobbies or money to spend on them. I’m overweight so I can’t really use apps, and to be honest don’t really want. So how a single woman without kids (can’t have it) meet people?! Or do I just give up?! lol
What about volunteering groups? I’m in my 20s but volunteering groups tend to have people on the older side. It helps that people in their 40s and over tend to be financially stable and would spend their free time to volunteer.
You’re right I’ll try!
I second this. I help people at the library with their computer stuff, and it gets me out of the house and makes me feel like I am contributing. Much underrated feeling.
I’m going to second this one. I volunteer for an air museum and it’s folks from late 30s and up.
Edit: accidentally submitted before I was done typing
Organize a local Lemmy meetup for 40+ year olds! Lol
I am in my mid 40s myself. I think the default advice is to just find social hobby groups and meet people that way. The more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have to make a connection. Also, I don’t think it’s a problem to be the “odd old lady” - wear that badge with pride IMO.
my gay friend group would do ANYTHING for an odd old lady
You know what, I could use some self esteem classes from a gay friend group!
I would love but I’m not in america and people here don’t really know about it :/ … yet lol
I hope Lemmy is going to get a wider recognition with time. Wish you all the best 🙏
Where are you from?
Volunteer work is my go-to answer in these situations.
I’m around 40, am always very busy with work, and I can’t hold complex conversations in the language that 95% of the population of my country speaks exclusively. My personal interests are extremely technical, and unusual (bordering on arcane). So meeting new friends is a bit of a challenge for me too.
It was still a very effective way to meet awesome people of all ages, some younger, some older! I even met my wife that way.
I’m in a similar situation, and met my girlfriend of three years that way. We love each other, but communication was sometimes an issue… and I often felt deeply lonely far away from my family and far from anyone who could understand me well.
We broke up last week. I’m going back to my home country. My heart feels like it will never recover. We planned a whole future together. I love her so deeply, but I also felt incredibly lonely in the relationship, and jealous even of other couples who could just talk easily to one another.
I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. Maybe she didn’t need to get all my jokes. Maybe she didn’t need to know all my cultural references. Maybe having each other and making new memories together was enough.
I’m broken.
That hits close to home – I had it a bit easier though. They had emptied my bank account without my knowledge or permission and left me for dead in the developing world, while they ran off to a new country and job they had secretly set up. Robbed their family too.
So at least all the bridges were thoroughly burned and I could focus on rebuilding. That kind of focus is a very powerful tool and I was able to bootstrap myself into a middle class life within a reasonable time. I came to realize how much that relationship had been holding me back.
Nearly died of cholera though. Anyway, the things we don’t have the power to change legitimately hurt real bad, but I hope you will one day surprise yourself with how much you can affect the things you do have the power to change.
You’re overweight? Make the gym your hobby. I’m a 48 year old woman and I go to the gym every day and lots of people to interact with.
It doesn’t even need to be a hobby in the sense that you’re always there. Going a few times a week gets you exposed to people and you’re getting more fit and healthier. And there’s usually at least self confidence that comes along to help with finding other hobbies if you want.
I agree it’s hard to find new friends when being 40+. But I would avoid apps, and go for Meetup events. It just feels a lot lot more natural to share a walk, or some event, with strangers, since it’s easy to get going and talk about things.
Remember that it’s hard for everyone, even people in relationships to find new friends outside of the relationship. I had a female friend that I liked, but my partner got jellous and I couldn’t really see her anymore. I understand the reasons but it’s just a bit annoying.
I would find a group or club related to hobbies you have. Hobbies can start as a common interest, and as you get to know each other, things can grow from there.
It’s not a guaranteed “relationship finder” but you’ll at the very least make some friends.
I hope it’s not too personal of a question to ask, but are you straight, lesbian, or bi? Because each one of those kind of comes with its own set of suggestions. You obviously do not have to share if you do not feel comfortable with that. I just don’t want to be giving a lesbian hints about finding a guy, you know?
Yes you’re right. I’m a straight woman :)
Okay, so with hobbies, stuff you’re already interested in is a good start, but it might be helpful to explore some “guy hobbies” in the sense of like, find some hobbies that are more popular with men, and then find one that sounds like it could be interesting to you, and try to find a local group based on that. If you pursue groups with larger percentage of men, it’s easier to find someone you’re potentially interested in and vice-versa.
Just make sure you’re pursuing a hobby you’ll actually end up liking. Don’t be afraid to be like “Yeah, this actually isn’t for me.” That’s up to and including “These men are just not receptive to a woman in this space.” (You don’t want to waste your time with gatekeeping men)
Like, you’d be hard pressed in tech groups, which kind of have a history of being stuck up when it comes to women in “their” spaces (nevermind that women programmed the computers on the moon missions back in the day because typing was “women’s work” *rolls eyes).
Football or soccer might be a little easier, there’s still a lot of women in those circles, and less dopey men gatekeeping, at least in my experience . There’s still some of that, but I think women being into sports is more accepted than it used to be, compared to tech spaces.
A lot of guys are into role-playing tabletop games like Dungeons & Dragons, and while you can run into a lot of way too sheltered men in those groups, you can also run into really talented men who are good at math, acting, and strategy who are relatively well-adjusted. Stephen Colbert famously played a lot while he was growing up, and he attributes it to at least some of his acting and comedy skills.
Or do I just give up?!
Whatever you do, don’t give up. Nobody deserves to live in loneliness. There are many like you out there - people are lonelier than ever before. Whatever you do, try to fight against that.
I’m not depressed or sad, just a bit lonely because I moved far from the place I used to know. Nothing that dramatic lol
I’m not trying to be dramatic. It’s just a fact that people are getting lonelier and it’s honestly really sad.
It’s true! kind of hard to trust people this days
I’d like to know too.
My childhood friend ditched his family and swapped for a younger woman from work about a decade ago. Marriage was not the happiest, but I think he jumped the gun. Now the younger woman ditched him and he’s alone. His now teenage child is keeping touch, but is not happy about their history.
Guy is miserable and I’m afraid suicide is an option.
Can’t get him to take a new hobby, interest or activity. He’s been drowning himself in work and I don’t think it’s helping.
Disc golf is absolutely something to check out, no matter where you are starting from. Golf-like rules with much more interesting terrain and equipment. Unlike golf in being easy and cheap to pick up, and having a famously friendly player base with deep hippie roots and a passion for growing the sport. My mom plays with gusto in her 60’s, and several of her senior center buddies found their way into the game on their own too.
It shares many of the good things about hiking, volunteering, and activity clubs, and new friends from those will be excited to join you on the course. A group encountering the sport early on and all getting addicted to it together are such a joy. It’s also a fantastic sport for just walking through the forest alone, listening to audiobooks and talking to birds and chipmunks while practicing whipping colorful plastic into the distance with your whole body (and accidentally hitting trees.)
Disc golf was the fastest growing sport in much of the world pre-pandemic, and took off so fast during the opening act that you could hardly buy discs off the shelf. You may have many courses and shops nearby, https://udisc.com/ is the best place to get started. Good teachers like Danny Lindahl can help with the form basics if you want a crash course. As you get more involved, there are new niches to find like disc dyeing, weekly amateur doubles leagues, following the pro scene on YouTube, and volunteering at tournaments with course clubs.
Go try it! Wear sturdy shoes, let people play through if you’re in a relaxed paced group, yell FORE and keep yelling at errant shots, and just get a beginner friendly fairway driver and a putter that feels good in your hand and go try ‘em out. Hope ya have a blast
At work, at the gym, at the coffee shop, at the library. At yoga, at the beach, Pokemon go raid hour. Mostly at work, but I’m older than you and that’s where I meet people and have made friends as an adult.
Not all hobbies require money, that’s an odd take. I do think it’s harder to meet people when you don’t have a family though, that part is true, connections are made through other people so it’s more work to build a network if you are just one person.
Great age to meet men, though, if you are looking for that - don’t worry about your weight, plenty of guys either like a plush build or don’t care. You will do fine in that regard if you are looking.
Mutual Aid/Food Bank/Volunteer around your city, or start a group and invite people around.
Local park and library/college may also help, where groups tend to meet.
Gyms also have classes for different age groups, may take a bit to figur out though!
Quick search:
https://bestlifeonline.com/hobbies-for-your-40s/
Some of these are common sense and good ideas!
Best way to meet new people is when doing things you love!
Loved the link, thanks!
I joined a local maker space and met great people, sharing similar interests. Surprisingly (to me when I joined) most seem to be over 40, like me, and there are as many women as men here.
what’s a maker space?
A place with equipment and resources for Woodworking, 3d printing, electronics, and other things in that vein. You generally pay a monthly fee.
I think that depends on the groups that exist near you.
I know someone who was in a similar situation (divorced around 50), and she found a local hiking group of divorced people who wanted exactly what you’re looking for. So maybe ask on a local group on some social networks?
Hiking specifically is great because it’s an activity that both kinda forces people to talk, and also supplies a default topic for conversation (It’s also free, healthy and doesn’t require special skills). If you’re not into hiking, maybe a book club? Volunteering groups, like other people suggested, also fits that bill. Point is, don’t just look for [an activity] with people your age, think about how much that activity is conductive for making friends. Something with 10% people your age, but that encourages talking with each other, might be better than something with 90% people your age where the group listens to a teacher together and then everybody does their own thing separately.
Also, It might actually get easier to find new people in a few years. Some people wait for their kids to grow up/move out before divorcing, which creates a spike of single people at that age.
I dont know if you enjoy singing , but in many countries here in Europe, there are lots of choirs for all types of music, as well as for beginners, for almost professionals and usually all ages mixed or lots of people above 40. Usually people go for a drink after rehearsal but not for the alcohol but for the company. In my choir many that come to the bar after rehearsal just drink something nonalcoholic.
Here, 40 is also an age where people still go to bars without feeling weird about it. Of course there are a few bars only full of Students but there are still lots of bars with people above 40 too.
I know you said you don’t like dating apps, but I would write them off completely. My partner and I met online (we’re both within a few years of your age), and one thing we both agree on is that dating apps are great for vetting a potential partner ahead of time. It’s frustrating to meet someone only to find out that they have/want kids (we don’t), don’t share any common interests, have opposing religious/political views, etc. By the time we actually met in person, we both already knew that we would at least get along as friends. It does seem that women tend to get a lot more “garbage” matches on online dating than men do, though; it probably also depends largely on where you live.
