(guess I should set up pronouns, but since it’s very relevant here I’m a cis man irl and the partners are usually women)

I’m starting to interact with a person in a way that may lead to another romantic relationship, but I feel I haven’t exactly found the solutions of the issues I had with the last one.

Long Explanation

Basically I’m, at times, an extremely reclusive autistic person. I like vanishing from all forms of non-professional contact for days at a time, hyperfocusing on my pet projects to the detriment of whatever social life I’m supposed to be “enjoying” and overall just being left alone sometimes.

But I also enjoy company and all the other normal romantic relationship stuff, in their specific time slots. In particular, I also really like the idea of having enough intimacy to have a continuous understanding with another person without the whole question of “how do I summarise the whole background story?” I have with colleagues and close acquaintances.

The problem I’ve had in the past is that it’s generally assumed that, as relationships become more serious, people will start living together, as it’s convenient for the relationship but also a great financial decision. But I find the practice of living with another person incredibly stressing, to the point of ruining otherwise pretty good relationships.

Other than that, I also have a bunch of issues with verbal communication which are frustrating (to me, partners never complained) when I have to talk to somebody frequently.

And the worst part is that I simply can’t do “consoling”. I have no idea what I’d have to do if, for instance, a partner’s family member died or some other unactionable tragedy happened. I can’t just reply to “my mother died” with “oh yeah, I thought it’d happen some time” like my brain wants me to.

<\end explanation>

I am fine with continuing the volcel lifestyle, but I’ve seen enough autistic people having stable relationships to wonder if maybe it’s possible to do this in way that respects my specific brain quirks.

I like reading theory, anybody have some theory on autistic relationship building rather than the usual communist stuff?

  • booty [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    10·
    10 months ago

    The problem I’ve had in the past is that it’s generally assumed that, as relationships become more serious, people will start living together, as it’s convenient for the relationship but also a great financial decision. But I find the practice of living with another person incredibly stressing, to the point of ruining otherwise pretty good relationships.

    Aside from finding someone who similarly does not want to live together while in a committed partnership, or accepting the idea of not being in quite so committed a partnership with your partner, the only suggestion I have on this front is to have a space, maybe one room or a couple of rooms or whatever, where you simply will not be disturbed outside of emergencies.

    I’ve got a similar autistic thing going on, but maybe not quite as severe as you. But I have my bedroom as a place where I can’t be disturbed. My phone doesn’t even enter that room. If you need me, you gotta come to my bedroom door personally and knock.

    But you’ll probably also have to be aware that this level of distance is going to be a deal-breaker for a lot of people. Everybody’s on their own point on the independent-needy spectrum, and most people would consider the furthest end of the “independent” side to be way closer to the needy extreme than to us lol. I’m also living that volcel life for now, no particular plans or expectation of it changing

    • albiguOPEnglish
      10·
      10 months ago

      I tried something like that, but even just hearing the person in the other room kept me in sort of “standby social mode” and not fully relaxed (and my hearing is annoyingly sensitive). Though I don’t really mind it being deal-breaker as it’s just a sign of incompatibility.

      Maybe if I could get one of those big, multiple room and floor homes that AirBnB “superhosts” keep hoarding, but then it’ll have to wait until revolution. Damned material conditions!

      • booty [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        7·
        10 months ago

        Interesting, yeah you’ve got it more severe than me. Personally being in one room being left alone and hearing other people doing stuff without me in other rooms puts me deep into that “fuck yeah im not expected to do any form of social activity right now” mode for some reason. I do think it’s fundamentally the same thing we’re feeling though.

        Just out of curiosity, what about neighbors? People you’re not particularly intimate with and who probably aren’t going to be socially interacting with you anywhere near as often as you hear them, but you still might hear them going about their day nearby.

        • albiguOPEnglish
          6·
          10 months ago

          By sheer luck I ended up renting an apartment that has awesome sound isolation. But before that they never really bothered me on the “social mode” aspect, only on the “annoying sound” one. I suppose as long as the possibility of them coming to talk to me is basically null, they’re not that much of a problem.

          Maybe with enough practice and trust I could actually have a deeper faith that people will not bother me for a couple hours. Maybe a day if I bring snacks. Not to psychoanalyse myself too much, but as a child I had some issues with family bothering me in my room when explicitly told not to, so I suppose that I could’ve accidentally been expecting all people (partners included) to also do that. I’ll take some time thinking on it, thanks!

  • Wertheimer [any]@hexbear.netEnglish
    4·
    10 months ago

    There’s a chapter on it in Gillan Drew’s An Adult With an Autism Diagnosis: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed. The author is autistic, and so is his wife.

    Libgen

    Edit -

    I really appreciated the end of this paragraph.

    We can have a similarly different understanding of romantic relationships. People with autism can think that the only difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is that in the former, you have sex. This makes sense from a purely quantitative view, but it misses the point that sexual relationships are meant to be deeper, more intimate and emotional, than friendships. We can fail to understand that the other person wants us to ask how their day was, and to make them feel special and significant, and all the things that neurotypical people often expect as a matter of course. We often don’t spontaneously share our thoughts, experiences and emotions with the other person as is common in a romantic relationship, and can come across as careless of the other person’s needs. It is not that we dismiss the other person’s needs – it is that sometimes we aren’t even aware that they have needs, and so are blissfully unaware that we are omitting to do something. Furthermore, we think that loving someone is enough, and don’t realize we have to outwardly demonstrate that love. For example, I found with my girlfriends, and now with my wife, that women in relationships require occasional ‘love tokens’ in the form of gifts of flowers or love notes to emphasize that you love them. From an intellectual point of view, I struggle to understand how spending money on flowers that will be dead in a few days is more an expression of love than the fact that I’m married to her, but such outward demonstrations are something we can learn how to do.

    See also the chapter “At Home With Autism,” which discusses common problems with housemates / partners living together / etc.

    • albiguOPEnglish
      2·
      10 months ago

      That book looks really interesting! Will take a look, thanks!

    • stigsbandit34z [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
      2·
      10 months ago

      People with autism can think that the only difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is that in the former, you have sex.

      While not my own view, it seems like such a fucking valid one to have when that’s how it portrayed to you in popular culture and what not. I mean, there are literally apps with millions of users that basically use the terms “dating” and “hooking up” interchangeably

    • albiguOPEnglish
      9·
      10 months ago

      I… don’t understand? What are you talking about, exactly?

        • voight [he/him, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
          5·
          10 months ago

          Oh don’t tell ppl ur autistic i mean. You can but just be aware people have some really crazy misconceptions. If I talk to a person who I later find out thinks autism is caused by vaccines I want to dump their ass b4 they find out im autistic u feel me. Sorry for sowing confusion. @AlbigensianGhoul@lemmygrad.ml

          My folks heard i might be autistic from a like child psychologist (???) so they were like oh shit, i hope organic vegetables fix that and didn’t mention it so I had do get my own ass to a diagnosis & then they were like oh we knew. Thanks…