(guess I should set up pronouns, but since it’s very relevant here I’m a cis man irl and the partners are usually women)
I’m starting to interact with a person in a way that may lead to another romantic relationship, but I feel I haven’t exactly found the solutions of the issues I had with the last one.
Long Explanation
Basically I’m, at times, an extremely reclusive autistic person. I like vanishing from all forms of non-professional contact for days at a time, hyperfocusing on my pet projects to the detriment of whatever social life I’m supposed to be “enjoying” and overall just being left alone sometimes.
But I also enjoy company and all the other normal romantic relationship stuff, in their specific time slots. In particular, I also really like the idea of having enough intimacy to have a continuous understanding with another person without the whole question of “how do I summarise the whole background story?” I have with colleagues and close acquaintances.
The problem I’ve had in the past is that it’s generally assumed that, as relationships become more serious, people will start living together, as it’s convenient for the relationship but also a great financial decision. But I find the practice of living with another person incredibly stressing, to the point of ruining otherwise pretty good relationships.
Other than that, I also have a bunch of issues with verbal communication which are frustrating (to me, partners never complained) when I have to talk to somebody frequently.
And the worst part is that I simply can’t do “consoling”. I have no idea what I’d have to do if, for instance, a partner’s family member died or some other unactionable tragedy happened. I can’t just reply to “my mother died” with “oh yeah, I thought it’d happen some time” like my brain wants me to.
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I am fine with continuing the volcel lifestyle, but I’ve seen enough autistic people having stable relationships to wonder if maybe it’s possible to do this in way that respects my specific brain quirks.
I like reading theory, anybody have some theory on autistic relationship building rather than the usual communist stuff?
I tried something like that, but even just hearing the person in the other room kept me in sort of “standby social mode” and not fully relaxed (and my hearing is annoyingly sensitive). Though I don’t really mind it being deal-breaker as it’s just a sign of incompatibility.
Maybe if I could get one of those big, multiple room and floor homes that AirBnB “superhosts” keep hoarding, but then it’ll have to wait until revolution. Damned material conditions!
Interesting, yeah you’ve got it more severe than me. Personally being in one room being left alone and hearing other people doing stuff without me in other rooms puts me deep into that “fuck yeah im not expected to do any form of social activity right now” mode for some reason. I do think it’s fundamentally the same thing we’re feeling though.
Just out of curiosity, what about neighbors? People you’re not particularly intimate with and who probably aren’t going to be socially interacting with you anywhere near as often as you hear them, but you still might hear them going about their day nearby.
By sheer luck I ended up renting an apartment that has awesome sound isolation. But before that they never really bothered me on the “social mode” aspect, only on the “annoying sound” one. I suppose as long as the possibility of them coming to talk to me is basically null, they’re not that much of a problem.
Maybe with enough practice and trust I could actually have a deeper faith that people will not bother me for a couple hours. Maybe a day if I bring snacks. Not to psychoanalyse myself too much, but as a child I had some issues with family bothering me in my room when explicitly told not to, so I suppose that I could’ve accidentally been expecting all people (partners included) to also do that. I’ll take some time thinking on it, thanks!