(guess I should set up pronouns, but since it’s very relevant here I’m a cis man irl and the partners are usually women)
I’m starting to interact with a person in a way that may lead to another romantic relationship, but I feel I haven’t exactly found the solutions of the issues I had with the last one.
Long Explanation
Basically I’m, at times, an extremely reclusive autistic person. I like vanishing from all forms of non-professional contact for days at a time, hyperfocusing on my pet projects to the detriment of whatever social life I’m supposed to be “enjoying” and overall just being left alone sometimes.
But I also enjoy company and all the other normal romantic relationship stuff, in their specific time slots. In particular, I also really like the idea of having enough intimacy to have a continuous understanding with another person without the whole question of “how do I summarise the whole background story?” I have with colleagues and close acquaintances.
The problem I’ve had in the past is that it’s generally assumed that, as relationships become more serious, people will start living together, as it’s convenient for the relationship but also a great financial decision. But I find the practice of living with another person incredibly stressing, to the point of ruining otherwise pretty good relationships.
Other than that, I also have a bunch of issues with verbal communication which are frustrating (to me, partners never complained) when I have to talk to somebody frequently.
And the worst part is that I simply can’t do “consoling”. I have no idea what I’d have to do if, for instance, a partner’s family member died or some other unactionable tragedy happened. I can’t just reply to “my mother died” with “oh yeah, I thought it’d happen some time” like my brain wants me to.
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I am fine with continuing the volcel lifestyle, but I’ve seen enough autistic people having stable relationships to wonder if maybe it’s possible to do this in way that respects my specific brain quirks.
I like reading theory, anybody have some theory on autistic relationship building rather than the usual communist stuff?
I have the privilege of finding lots of people who were pretty accepting of my autism, and even some other autistic people, so I don’t worry about that too much. I would definitely not feel safe having intimacy with somebody with such backwards beliefs about something so integral to who I am. But thanks for explaining!