cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/1585366

One of my good friends tried to take her life last week. I happened to be over hanging out with one of her roommates when her gf came out and said ‘we need to get her to the hospital like now,’ and I volunteered to drive.

My crisis response is typically to get very robotic and problem solve about the events at hand. I had the thought “I am going to need to cry about this in about a week,” but otherwise stayed focused on supporting the two of them. Later that night, I took care of my bf because he was really triggered by everything too.

While a few friends have sat with me and kept me company when I’ve asked, for the most part no one has been proactive about checking in on me. Today and yesterday, my feelings have finally caught up to me and I’ve felt really sad and overwhelmed—more or less on schedule. with my original prediction.

I have been having a lot of whiplash between the incredible support our community has had for our friend, and my frustration about feeling isolated now. I am worried that actually people are making some effort that way and that I am just being receptive enough to it and feeling guilty about feeling sad wrong.

My own hurt and frustration are started to transfer into anger at my friend for doing something so traumatizing right now when I had already been having a difficult time. It feels like a lot of the progress I have been making on feeling more secure and self-sufficient have been undercut by this round of insecurity and isolation. I have done a better job of asking for help than I have in past times when I have been upset, I just wish people gave it proactively when they knew I was upset. It is a cruel thing to blame my friend for the response of our community. It is a cruel thing to be mad (upset is okay!) at my community for not saving energy for my delayed emotional response when hey there is a big crisis that happened and used up lots of people’s energy.

I am seeking advice on letting go of these bitter feelings.