So I would say I want to have kids, but it’s very dependent on being able to have certain standards adhered to- aka I wouldn’t just have kids no matter what if the biological clock was ticking etc. So with that said, I have question(s)/thoughts about those who have kids or plan on having them:
As someone who does value things like urbanism/strong social safety nets /all the things that I assume people on the actual left care about, it seems like it’s virtually impossible in the US at least to raise a family in an actual urban area, where you at most own a car but it’s not used on a regular basis, and still have good public education available that isn’t obsenely expensive. To use an example, Chicago is one of the few cities that isn’t craaazy expensive and you don’t need a car depending on what neighborhood you live in, but it’s well known that unless you go private school or a child tests into/wins a lottery to go to one of the amazing public schools, the general “school you go to because that’s based on your address” are all objectively bad/somewhat dangerous. Obviously there are histories of corruption/racism and the like that has caused this issue in Chicago, but I don’t think I’m wrong that I’d want to send my kid to a bad school just to prove a point. But on the other hand, I do feel like it’s just wrong to endorse the continued brokenness of needing to go private or get lucky to get a good education.
So basically, I wonder what is everyone’s plan? My partner is currently in the process of getting EU citizenship, but that’s most likely years away to being finalized. Is there any hope in the US to not have to make huge concessions when it comes to having children? Sometimes I wonder if even having two children is too much in terms of $$, but my partner is an only child and we both agree that if possible two would be best, as they were very affected negatively by being an only child, to the extent if I was ever single again I might legitimately hesitate to date an only child again. I guess I just would want to have somewhat of a plan/goal to be at so my partner and I could figure out when would be the time to have kids.
It just sometimes seems hopeless at least in the near future to raise kids in the US, and I’m hoping that’s not the case, and if it is I’d love to be able to try to work towards whatever steps needed (whether moving to X country or X state etc) in order to make that a reality.
Just dropping in to comment on schools:
I taught for a decade at “the worst” high school in a bad district in California’s bay area (scored a 2/10 on GreatSchools), and we sent students to UC Berkeley and Ivy League schools every year. The school had a ton of real problems and plenty of bad teachers, but for the students who had the motivation/infrastructure to succeed, we could get them to where they wanted to go to college. I would assume most other public schools are similar.
Community is more important than any particular school. Family, friends, neighbors, schools, and even things like churches weave the fabric from which kids learn about the world around them. This admittedly becomes harder as capitalism pushes us to greater and greater levels of isolation, but raising children will always be a challenge. The nuclear family is a recent deviation from more communal approaches bringing up kids, so the biggest hurdle is overcoming those post-WWII misconceptions of unlimited prosperity. We always want what’s best for our kids, but material conditions exist regardless so all we can do is the best we can with what we have.
My brother and his spouse recently had their first child in a low/mid tier city that ranks below somewhere like Chicago in most national metrics, but that’s not going to stop me from doing everything I can to make sure that the little bastard learns as much as he can about the world and that he’ll always have a loving and supportive place where he can ask questions and be comfortable with who he is.
I have no answers but would love to hear some info about leaving the states. It seems impossible unless you’re already successful and wealthy in America. At least if your over 30.
Yeah I’d also love to hear perspectives on this from parents. I agree it feels somewhat hopeless in the US. The schools thing is a bit overblown though, there are definitely still adequate public schools in urban areas. How your kid turns out isn’t really a function of how good their school was, but finding a school that isn’t actively harmful might be a challenge I guess. It worked out for me, but I guess I was a bit lucky.
I went to a school that I would say was pretty good academically, at least for a US public school, but definitely traumatized some of my peers (the sports, band, and a couple of the upper-level classes had fucked up teachers/coaches who took shit out on kids), and it was not exactly in an urbanist paradise but there were lots of kids walking and biking to school, and parents could conceivably have used transit to commute, though few did.
I don’t think it’s necessary to protect kids from all possible harms, just do the best with the resources you are given. Find a happy medium and make the best of it.
edit: oh and from an urbanism perspective, I think you’ll have a better time finding places if you look for individual neighborhoods where you can live the life you want (low/no car, urban), not just cities that embody those things across a large swath of their area like chicago. Most cities have neighborhoods that fit your criteria, give or take some small compromises, but very few are like that all over. Combine that with looking for places with decent schools (and don’t just look at rankings websites, they basically privilege exclusive/“elite” schools over all others).
One of the things that does get to me about this topic though is the idea that my young kids wouldn’t be able to have any independence, due to legal restrictions, car dependency, or real safety concerns. I’m not sure if I’d be a full-on free-range-kids person but I certainly would at least want them to have a comparable amount of freedom to roam as I had growing up, which I think is no longer really the norm in the age of smartphones… That one is a tougher nut to crack, but again different communities are different in this way. Where I grew up there is still to this day definitely an element of “go walk to the park” that is tolerated even for fairly young kids, and I don’t think anyone would dream of calling CPS/police on them
Yeah I think you bring up a valid point, where if it was easier to find lists of good/best public schools (and “actual” public, not ones that you only get in via testing etc), it would probably be best to go down the list and note which ones are in walkable neighborhoods that aren’t just tiny/mega isolated in a very car centric city.
I have wondered if (and I haven’t checked the actual price) if the “cheat code” so to speak is certain Boston suburbs or like Evanston IL, where they are really a city neighborhood in all but name but because they aren’t a part of the city school system they are much better like typical suburbs tend to be in the US.
I know NotJustBikes did a thing about how in the Netherlands kids are much more independent compared to Ottawa at least.
So my kids are 11 and 8. First kiddo was unplanned and we were in our early 20s, so young but not too young. Suffice to say much of the solutions we came to were a figure it out as we go, and where we have gotten things right it feels like it’s 50/50 good planning/lucking the fuck out.
Housing is obviously the biggest impact to schools, your budget, and general quality of life. COMMUNITY LAND TRUSTS Google it, search for what exists in your area, search for what exists in cities you might like to live in. As a Seattle native I had just accepted that if I wanted to stay in the city I love I was just going to be a forever renter, until my wife found out about the program. You see with a CLT you own the home but not the land your home is on (honestly who the fuck cares), you have to qualify for the program, minimum set by ensuring your income can cover the mortgage and a maximum usually tied to average/median income levels, our program is also only offered to first-time homeowners people that haven’t had the opportunity to build equity in a house.
So what’s the benefit? Homes are sold at cost of building and buyers in the program agree to sell at that cost, there is a small equity % increase each year lived in the house to cover home costs. Not only does this make purchasing a house affordable but property taxes (huge in Washington thanks to our regressive tax structure with no income tax) are fixed to that set home price.
Good luck and I hope you two find something that works for you!
