I feel so fucking lost. It’s like I am just waiting for the end. I got no one and nothing to live for. I am going out and trying different things. But, nothing is sticking. At the end of the day, I feel like just another lonely ass with nothing to live for.
I feel like I am missing something fundamental for having a will to live.
Yes. That is how you feel. And what you feel is important.
It’s also not true.
I’ve been there. Many of us have.
Maybe you wait more. It’s okay to wait. You’re brave for waiting. Take your time.
You never know what it will be that’ll break the dark clouds. It might be therapy, medication, groups. It might also be that you get a diagnosis for a different thing that’ll explain your mood. Or it’ll be a breakthrough in yourself. You’ll find the right book, movie, song, that’ll speak to you and cut you right open until you can heal.
It’s so frustrating to be where you are.
The hard truth is: you’re going be there until you change it. But it’s okay to take your time. Change is scary and often, we’d rather suffer a familiar pain than to face an uncertain future, even if it promises improvement.
Good on you for posting this. Reach out.
That is precisely where I am lost. What do I change, really?
Well here’s a really fucked up question. It was posed to me when I was in the clinic many years ago: “do you want to feel better?”
I was furious about that, because of course I did, right? But the more I think about it, the more I think that it was warranted. I think maybe I didn’t want to feel better. I was “comfortable” in my suffering. I had made it a central part of who I am. So if I’d changed and be “happy”, who am I? If “feeling like shit” is what you define yourself with, you won’t want to change.
But first things first: I highly encourage you to seek out professional help to stabilise you. You need supervision.
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