I like to keep it positive when it comes to other people. But I can be very hard on myself. I don’t know why I do it. I guess I’m depressed. Normally I use humor as a coping mechanism but that’s not really working right now.

I haven’t really been posting here much lately. I just couldn’t get the energy to log on or even have an idea worth sharing. But I do really like this place and I want to share some positive energy because I’m tired of feeling destructive. So, hey, you reading this, I like you. You are valuable. You are worth something to yourself and others. I guess this is kind of an “imposition” because I’m asking you to be happy when I’m not. But it will make me happy to know you are okay. I care about you all. I’m just feeling down and the only thing I ever had that picked me up was other people. I can’t do it on my own, despite my stubborness insisting I can. I guess that’s why I was always inclined towards socialism; I knew I couldn’t go it alone and caring for other people was the only way I could legitimately care about myself. “Rational self interest” and all that jazz.

So, hey, if you’re going through something, or you know somebody going through something, you can reply in this thread or DM me. I’m not a licensed therapist or anything like that but maybe it would help if you just typed out a few words, as I am doing right now. Helps keep the thoughts in order.

The internet is the worst place ever created but it’s places like Hexbear that somewhat redeem this whole sorry enterprise. I have seen so much care and kindness here. Y’all give me hope. I’m kinda ranting but I just wanted you to know that after 3 years this was the only place I could go to where I could tell my dumb jokes and indulge in serious conversation about theory and politics without bad faith. It’s nice! And it’s refreshing. Keep doing what you’re doing.

af-heart –

  • PM_ME_YOUR_FOUCAULTS [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    10·
    10 months ago

    Real talk, I took a 9 month grass-touching break because even just posting on Hexbear wasn’t something I had the capacity for. This time last year, I was a few weeks away from having a breakdown from anxiety that had built up and built up over the past few years until all of a sudden I could not cope. I wasn’t sure if I could continue doing my job or even if being alive was that great a prospect.

    A year on, after medication, which I was always extremely reluctant to try, and therapy, I’m tremendously proud of the progress I’ve made, even if I’m not all the way to where I want to be.

    Anyhow, if anyone is having a really rough time out there, just know you’re not permanently fucked, even if it feels that way

  • isame [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    7·
    10 months ago

    Hi there. I don’t believe I’ve ever even replied to a post here, but been here since shortly after the bad place got worse. Mostly I just lurk and doom scroll, but I enjoy my time here.

    That said, you inspired me to not be so quiet.

    First, thank you for your kind words. A small thing, but still uplifting. And I think I would like to type out some of my own struggles.

    At the end of June I finally got a promotion at work. I’d finally gotten a ‘career’ (system administrator), was making okay money. Had a girlfriend that I’d been with for 10 months and I loved her and her kids. I thought I’d finally settled into life, y’know? Looking at getting our own place next year and all that. I was finally, nearly happy, except I had this bad feeling.

    The end of July I lost my job for some BS reasons I won’t go into, but suffice it to say it was undeserved and involved some office drama. Then a couple weeks after that, the girlfriend dumps me for unrelated reasons. I’ll accept far more responsibility for the latter.

    So now I’ve got not job, no family. I’ve paid my rent so that it’s not due until November 1st and I’ve got some groceries. I’ve been incredibly anxious and depressed. Just sitting in my room (student housing apartments) or walking miles a day. I drank more than I should have.

    That said, things do get better! A few close friends have shown me a lot of support, and in the last few days I’ve gotten myself sober and I’m starting to feel myself again. And out of the blue, a job I applied for right after I got fired emailed me two days ago, so I’ve got a job interview tomorrow. It’s not a job I’d want to stay in, but I think it might be one I can get if I can not be an anxious mess. But either way next week I’m meeting with a friend to work on my resume, and I’ll get back to it.

    Thank you for this post, and the encouragement to interact. I hope you do feel better. I can definitely relate to finding happiness in other people.