lol, I have carried out this situation quite a few times. Interestingly, I do not particularly enjoy going out to eat. People take too long to pick something from the menu, the talk about food is shallow, I have to interact with a waiter that’s sick of their customers but acts insincerely nice because their pay depends on tips, there’s nothing to do besides looking at each other, talking about how “delicious the food is” despite it tasting generic and salty, and I have to be extra considerate of how I eat. The worst part is when someone in the group wants to review the menu out loud and take their sweet time choosing what to order, asking the waiter for “a few more minutes” to place their order 😩
I know I’m being ridiculous, but it’s my experience.
Funny, in all honesty, and I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but it sounds like you’re creating your own problem here. You’ve got a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing happening where you’re already determined to have a terrible time going out to eat with friends/colleagues so you ensure that’s exactly what happens.
Try to be more easy going and patient, and try to make a connection with those around you. Going out to eat is rarely about the food, it’s about the company. And I agree, small talk is insufferable, but it helps establish a base from which you can launch into more significant or more intimate subjects of discussion. It’s a hoop to have to jump though in order to earn the rewards of camaraderie.
Good luck my anonymous friend – you can do it!
I appreciate the helpful advice. I have tried those already, and when I did, it felt like I was trying hard, so it still was not an enjoyable experience. I think it’s just not my thing. Some people don’t like eating out just like others don’t like going to ice cream palors, coffee shops, or bars.
But, I still go sometimes because I know people I care about like it, and I appreciate the encouragement to continue trying and the considerate advice 🙂
Ha, I was thinking about “how to make friends” advice earlier. When you ask NTs how to make friends they just list places you can go. They assume once you’re in a place with other people you will naturally make friends with them.
Locating humans is not the problem!
Positive I’m NT. The people you’re talking to might just be bad at advice.
“Oh, cool, I love going our separate ways and eating alone. I do it all the time! Did we just become best friends!?”
I’ve been trying to figure out how I make friends a lot I have no fucking clue guys I’m so sorry I guess it helps if you are in autistic circles a lot
Here is my 101. All relationships are based on time spent together. You need a lot of hours spent together before the relationship really takes shape.
If you want to make friends you need to spend time with people you like and who like you back. When hanging out ask them questions. Once they answer, ask follow up questions to show you are listening.
A clue you found someone who likes you back is if they ask questions about you. When you find someone like this be vulnerable, but open up gradually. Don’t share your darkest secret on day one. It’s overwhelming.
Make sure to also thank people for spending time with you. As an example, “it was really nice seeing you and talking to you. The time we spend together means a lot to me. I’m looking forward to the next time we hang out!”
Also be mindful of the energy you bring to the conversation. If you are all doom and gloom all the time it’s going to bum people out. Make sure you balance the conversation with positive or interesting topics.
If you have no idea what to do with someone ask them if they would like to go for a walk. In the park, around the block - whatever. Walking and talking is a great easy activity.
I’m pretty good at making friends I just not sure how I do it so well
I have no clue either. I don’t have any friends. I have one friend from high school/college, but I moved about 200 miles away when I married my wife. We text each other occasionally, but it’s not like we’re going to hang out together.
I’ve thought of trying to make friends, but the thought of going out, meeting people, and trying to make a connection with them fills me with anxiety at levels I haven’t felt since my dating days. In fact, it’s very much the same anxiety. No, the end result of these meetings isn’t quite the same. (I’m looking for a friend, not a girlfriend.) Still, there’s that feeling of needing to socialize and make yourself vulnerable in the hopes that you match up properly with someone.
Until recently, I’ve contented myself with my wife and boys. But my boys are getting older. My oldest is already in university and my youngest is going there in the next few years. So I’ll eventually be left with just me and my wife. And I work from home now, so I don’t even have co-workers to socialize with.
The desire to find a friend is rising, but so far hasn’t beaten the anxiety of meeting new people.
“Hey, I’m headed over to eat at place, you want to come with?”
“I already ate.”
“Cool, lmk when you’re free next, we’ll get lunch.”
“That’s the neat part! You don’t.”
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