I usually whisper, “I’ll flip every table in this joint if you don’t take my card, including the one with that child at it”, and while it has a 100% success rate, I can’t help but feel terrible about it, later. What are some alternatives?
I don’t, we split it or I pay or I concede gracefully.
If someone is my friend, I’m not going to engage in weird power-plays.
Exactly.
This and the latest round of “oh mah gawdz, the bill is 4600. How do you split it” is just an indication that people don’t freaking talk to each other.
if I am out to dinner with a buddy that I know is struggling? I’ll offer to grab dinner if they grab drinks another night. And if they want to pay for their meal instead, I let them. Because I respect my friends enough to let them live/ruin their own lives. I’ll offer help, but I won’t force it. And I similarly won’t be taking them to a restaurant that will break the bank so that they don’t feel obligated to nurse a salad the entire night.
And if they aren’t struggling? We ask the waiter to split the bill. If that is not an option, we use venmo/whatever to reimburse whoever covers the bill. Or, again, we just alternate.
My ex loved to bring up the fact that she paid on our first date, that it was super expensive, and that any time she offered to pay afterwards that I never fought her on it. Like… You made it a point to force that waiter to take your card after I offered to pay and made a huge scene about it. What I learned there is that if you say you want to pay I should just let you. I’m not gonna make a big scene about it and try to make myself look better to everyone else just because “the man is supposed to pay.”
Thank you for the mean, but I’m not going to feel guilty if you insist on paying. If you feel that way when I pay, that’s a you problem.
Years ago i was arguing with a friend’s boyfriend about paying. He said, “offer twice, then be gracious and say thank you.” That’s what i do now.
That’s a good rule of thumb for a lot of things. Don’t drag it out. You’re both in the clear on both sides of the coin when you do this naturally.
It’s just as rude not to accept a gift with grace as it is not to offer to help.
You just insult someone when you refuse what they’re happy to give.
Get up and go to the bathroom before the bill comes, but after everything has been ordered. On the way, away from the table and your friend, give the waiter your card and ask them to run the bill.
I have an old friend who does this, and while I know it’s with good intentions, I can’t help but feel blindsided. I’d prefer he said “it’s on me”, so at least I have the choice to treat him too.
This is what I do when I know the other person will insist on buying (like they always do). Had a friend who always bought lunch for years before I finally got there first.
In other situations, the classy thing is to say “please allow me to get this; I insist. You can get the next one.”
I’d tell my friend that this one is on me. If they protested I’d offer to let them take the next time we ate at a restaurant.
I’m a big fan of paying bills separately though.
Go to the bathroom, on the way somehow get the waiters attention, give them your card and tell them to be sure to charge it to yours.
I did this. The waiter brought the slip to the table for me to sign. Worked perfectly.
Work it out yourselves as adults not a trap on the waiter. Meanwhile as adults, the invitee has the right the claim the bill, otherwise split it. There are rare exceptions and you all should be mature enough to sort that out through conversation.
Exceptions: if a friend is unemployed or having trouble and I’m not I’ll always offer gently to pick up the bill. Don’t fight if they refuse. There’s a few friends where we alternate for historical reasons There’s one friend who helped my family in a way I don’t consider ever able to pay back, they know in advance that they don’t pay for meals if they’re with us. Because it’s simply the least we can do.
You should feel terrible. They’re just trying to do their job while you’re making it awkward at best. This was always one of the most annoying things to deal with.
-Just put your card on the menu when you hand it to the waiter after ordering.
-when you use the washroom, find the waiter and give them your card.
-Talk to your friend before the check comes. Offer to pay, if no then go 50/50 or separate checks. They probably feel as awkward as you would if they paid.
I get up to go to the bathroom, find the waiter, and take care of it then.
I did this once only to have our friends get furious at the waiteress because they had intended on paying. We were in from out of town and they wanted to treat us. It was awkward… I felt really bad for waitress
What do you mean take your card? Why wouldn’t they take your card?
They could take the other guy’s. The problem is that both are insisting to pay.
Why would they do that? It seems unreasonable that they need to use some tactic.
This reminds me of my dad and grandfather having good natured arguments about who was going to pay. It would last a good 5-10 minutes, with one of them ‘winning’. It was all in good fun, and the wait staff usually had a blast watching.
In reality, they alternated who would pay, and did this mostly for fun.
I work casual in a fish and chip shop. Yesterday there were two ladies who were fighting each other over who would pay. I really would have preferred they didn’t as they were reaching over the counter and tapping the machine before i had even put in everything
Whomever invited the other person, have the “right” to pay. If you both just bumped into each other, then the “home” side pays. If both persons are locals, then the socially “senior” pays. If both are of the same social rank, then the one who didn’t pay the last time should pay. If all else fails, split it 50/50.
I had a weird dynamic recently that hit on almost all of these in conflicting ways.
I’m a manager at work and one of my direct reports was visiting my city on vacation. She invited me to breakfast with her and her husband. So: she invited, I’m local, she’s ~25 years older, but I’m the manager. Plus she had two guests, and it was just me.
I was ready to pay but when the check came her husband jumped on it so fast I didn’t even have a chance to push back. But then I gave her a $450 standing desk for free, so I guess she still got the good end of the deal!
Such odd rules for paying. I’d rather just talk to the person I’m dining with and see what they want to do. I prefer to just pay for what I ordered in all scenarios but if they insist after I say no once then I’ll let them pay.
So I go either of two way. Most of the time if my offer to pay is rejected I don’t offer again, I want to pay but also the other person wants to pay right… so I just let them. But if I’m absolutely determined to pay I’ll offer, if it’s rejected I don’t offer again but I don’t put my card away, when it’s time to tap or swipe and my friend is fucking around trying to get the card out of their wallet I move in and strike, and slam my card in that reader and the bill is paid before they even know what the fuck is going on, then I just walk off leaving them to accept the receipt of defeat from the cashiers.
The way you have written this, it feels like trying to defeat the boss in a video game.
Mumble one half-hearted remark about paying the bill, and trail off at the end. Then get up and go to the bathroom for 45 minutes.
…what?
