I’m going to be complaining a bunch in this post, so if you don’t want to hear the moaning of a labor aristocrat who should really not be complaining about his situation, feel free to skip this post.

I don’t feel like a human being. I’m unable to feel empathy. I’m unable to feel any sort of human bond, even with friends and family I’ve known my whole life. I’ve been in therapy and on meds for years but they don’t help. This leads to a life of no joy or meaning. I’m also not moved by the suffering of others when I know I should be. I’ve watched videos of some of the Ukranian war crimes and read a post another user made that went into graphic detail about the Thai sex trade and felt… nothing. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an evil psychopath. But I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how to change. Because of this, the only emotions I know are anger and self loathing. I genuinely despise myself.

Because I’m a fucking monster, I lash out at people sometimes and say terrible things. Hell, there was a post a few weeks ago here highlighting some evil unhinged shit that got my lemmy account banned. In fact, if the mods are worried I’m going to say some unhinged shit that’s basically fed bait, I would fully understand if you banned me. I’m not even sure people like me should be allowed near communities.

Because I have, I can’t think of another way to put this, no soul, I barely do anything in life. The only reason I’m able to keep up with my job is that it’s a barely monitored remote code monkey gig. I barely move and don’t monitor what I eat. I spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet, and often I’ll go days at a time without sleeping. I don’t have the guts to put a bullet in my brain, but I’m basically already doing a slow motion suicide.

I’m posting this here because this community seems to understand what’s going on in the world, is full of compassionate people, and has users who are experienced with dealing with mental illness.

How the fuck do I become a human being? How do I stop being a psychopath?

  • @333o
    3•2 years ago

    This hurt to read. I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ma approach it from my honest angle, which I can forsee some people having a problem with, but please bare in mind that this is written with love and good intention:

    The challenges that this world has you facing are immense, and not something that I have ever heard anyone come so-clean about.

    Challenges such as this are personally tailored for each individual, and they are why we were chosen to exist (this, i guess, is where i lose a lot of people here)

    You are clearly very distraught about your situation, which is huge (it’s a form of empathy)

    My suggestion for you is spiritual reading. Specifically, Muslim and Jewish thinkers from the Golden Age.

    Thinkers like Harambam (Moshe Ben Mimon, Mimonidis), Haramban (not the same guy), Omar Kayam, Al-Farabbi

    I wish I could have been offering more names now. I hope to remember and to find the time to compile a bit longer a list

    I think that as a person who struggles to connect to their soul, learning the secrets of what a soul is and what mechanisms interacts within and with it may be helpful and powerful for you

    Even if you are not religious, these thinkers will probably be interesting to you, as their logical rigour and philosophical unwaverness is unmatches by anything that came afterwards (imo)

    I hope you hold on and keep trying

    You sound like a magical person for being able to deal with such an immense burden that you are so clearly aware of and bothered by

    Stay healthy and safe 💜