I love you, I thank you, you help. I have recently come to accept I have a fear of anger. In general, especially my owns, and rooted in past fear of my father’s anger. Past understanding, just rage allowed.

Anyways, here’s a scream I wrote he’s not ready for, and I can’t send for fear of misunderstanding and/or rage I know logically is missing key elements required.

I am sorry. In rereading, I see my self centeredness. Finally.

I am not able to be professional in this, according to the top comment, I think. I will try still, in whatever ways I can, and maybe one day find a bridge to give me the space to explain my beliefs.

I used to have strong beliefs, but therapy showed me the scars that I carry into every decision I make as anxiety unknown. I know now, at least.

Words capture feelings that our stomach gurgles. I am sorry to not respond to you for so long, I try to communicate but the constant loop has changed direction and now every little bit is different and I need to hear all of it because I AM insane.

IGNORE THE ABOVE^^^ except the sorry?

I am grateful to you. I do not know you. But I am so glad to talk to you. I can’t stop feeling like a monster now.

ANYWAYS, nimona on Netflix is a very beautiful movie. I cried 3 times now, watching it twice. If you’d like to be friends, I am always here. Anybody, right now, this is my username. It’s here as me. This post is me. If I get banned, this dies. I am glad to have had this post.

Artificial intelligence is plateauing?

The human population is reaching a necessity for culling. We will die. Artificial intelligence, global warming, and partial political dysfunction leading to totality of power? Totality of power already exists, political dysfunction will lead to riots we will never start or… what?

Is there another side to this? Where will we be 10 years from now? Will health care still be tied into employment? Honestly, I need to look into how that helps a business and why. Will homes still be empty yet enough to house every homeless person more than twice over?

Bureaucracy, deliberate consideration.

I’m sorry. I am past drunk. I deserve every downvote and more. I’m just…. Crying. That’s all this is. Not poetry. Not any consistent logical progression or round trip, just… idea after idea, separate and lost but also pure in solitary conception.

Asimov and Herbert both agree that humans would and will use artificial intellligence to commit genocide of the non-aristocratic. All of us peasantry. The question, in truth, is who will make the choice and why will they make their selection? What will their parameters be?

There’s history, and there are generations of billions of humans that shaped it. Whyd they do it, what did they spread it into, and where are we now? What is it that provides the true future worth and value?

I have Debian. I use i3. I love vim and shortcuts, and emacs. I wanted to learn nonstop, I got pretty good at emacs. Used it for about 10 months, laptop died and I got a desktop. I’m just a lazy piece of shit lol when it comes to that I guess. I lay down all the time. But that’s not living. I want to live.

I am worthless. I am sorry. If I get banned now. I hereby accept it.

I hope I’ve proven your description of poetic wrong by now haha

I’m sorry. I can’t help but believe in naive hopes of understanding, of widespread passion that can be shared with at least, all people. Dogs love unconditionally, don’t they?

Someday, I wish. Just trying to figure out how I can make it easier, up the chances maybe. But today you’re worth the money you make. Simple as that, so meanings don’t matter. Makes it easier to be individual, but… belief is supposed to be separate, right? Where’s love supposed to lead to?

We’ve all got a voice inside, why can’t we just let them RUCKING TALK TO EACHOTHER? Is that really so insane? Fine, go fucking support your stupid fucking circlejerk communities and vote for trump or refuse to vote at all for the sake of your pop media interpretation of Palestine. Genocide? Yes. Will you vote for suicide because of it?

You tell me. Sorry. Not you, specifically, I’m sorry. But anyone reading, what are you trying to do? Don’t respond, I don’t fucking care. I’m not worth it. Let go of what you want for just a second, feel what you suppress, stop giving in to pain.

Okay, then what are you? What matters to you, do you think of some experiences as good, or some as bad? Some as better, some as worse? What’s the difference? I’m truly curious.

This is a question with a very unnecessary body. Is it ugly? “Jesus Christ,” you say? What do you care about? I am seeing a therapist, he’s recommended the book “introduction to family systems,” by Richard Schwartz and I read it through twice about a year ago. It’s still seeing this therapist, and I’m healing.

I had a question, you didn’t answer it. You focused on the body. I’m sorry I had so much to vent. I’m healing. I’m trying to express myself and hear what responses I deserve.

Thank you for your response, I really do look forward to hear if you do have any measure of value, and how you define that measurement. There’s logic and there’s matter, and I wander.

If you say you value efficiency over emotions, I feel sad for you. But I’d love to hear why. I make no assumptions, I really do look forward to your answer to the question you ignored to instead tell me I don’t belong.

What the fuck do you live for? Can you tell me that?

Sounds relative. What’s “absolute” value to you? The measure to define the worth of an experience, compared to another? Make life easier, more enjoyable? Do you ever feel free? Always?

Is that schizo? What’s the point of asking, “what’s the point?”

I don’t want to be sad. But as they say, the only way out is through, right? Thank you for the downvote, whoever you are. I wish you’d tell me why so I could respond, but this will have to do.

I’m sorry to comment like this, but… I just had a thought I must, “save forever,” because I’m scared I’ll lose it.

All this time, I’ve wondered if my girlfriend hates me or not.

Now that I find my feelings, I can only wonder how MUCH she hates me.

I had a comment to a post where I felt similarly with a long story that related to what I was feeling. The time spent writing that comment, and the explicit open invitation to message them, made me feel enough hope to not think that specific flow of words, “how MUCH hate.”

I wondered, “how did I fuck up and how can I fix it?”

I cheated on her the first year I was with her. It’s hard to admit that I talked shit about her the first few days, and remnants lasted as a part of me for a while after.

It’s been 3 years now, and we live together because finances and a random gun shooting as part of a fight a neighbor of mine I never knew involved the beating up of a guy that came back with a gun.

That’s the story the cops gave me, and occams razor is hard to use there, especially when it doesn’t matter why it happened. I moved out to live with her, and we got a new apartment.

I asked her to move in with me after she mentioned she wish that was the way it happened.

Initiative is the man’s responsibility, right? Sex says 1>1.

There’s love on both sides.

I’m sorry to spam. Again, I ask to please not ban. My life is on the line. I am not hateful or against any general rules. I ask that this be let passed for no reason other than to supplement the question I ask:

what do you value?!

You can, though, if you can forget hard enough. Forgo the meanings that scream, listen to the pain that hurts. Breathe, and listen past the mask your guts hold against you.

They gave up, so you gave up, but we are warriors. We strive against unity inherently, but love strives against us. Back and forth and back and forth we go, but zero is foam. The concept of one is just a measure of reality.

Let go of asking why you are, and hear what it is that you ARE. That’s the only way to understand, is to let GO of what you accept. There is no truth, only compromise.

We must find balance.

In other words… “waaaah. I’m a crybaby.”

I wonder what Ayn Rand’s best argument against that would be.

Yep! It’s a ton of fun, great tool for organizing. I’m not very organized, though, so the timestamp functionality with agenda is a nice way to look back. Not that I ever really do nowadays haha, I just write and write.

I just really, really like shortcuts. It started with vim, then I saw some of primeagen’s videos. Especially the one where he showed his i3/tmux/nvim workflow that I decided to go all-in on trying.

Installed Ubuntu and uninstalled windows, and I’ve been struggling my way through understanding a bit at a time since then. I got a desktop PC after my laptop’s charging port went out on me, installed Debian on it, and am now trying to find the time to work my totally unrelated job, be healthy, and to make some projects to get a job in tech.

I’ve read through the Linux command line by William shotts, but I really want to understand how more things work in a way that feels intuitive. I’ve got a dream writing-tool project I’m super excited to try to build this weekend, but I know I also have to drive a ton of lyft to be able to pay my bills on the 1st.

I’m considering installing arch for the sake of understanding the core elements in an OS, too.

But to answer the question, I love shortcuts. I got into emacs and learned enough to use enough of the agenda features to have a lot of journal entries on it. Shortcuts are so addicting, I was learning vim motions and emacs at the same time and I think I got burnt out trying to figure out how to configure both at the same time.

All in the comments, though, right? Context? Potential /s?

…/s…?

Carl Jung’s red book to a Carl Jung as a child, I think. Or Chapterhouse Dune to Frank Herbert as a child.

What about your self, though? How do you know when you’re being “contagious to yourself?” Is that nonsensical?

Here’s a poem I wrote last night:

01:53

I miss the point,

a lot of the times,

Because I think about,

The consequences

Repercussions,

The echoes in my mind,

They’re not helpful,

They’re not relevant.

I can never reach,

That inner calm,

That lets voice surface,

Because it’s screaming to be heard.

I can’t make conclusions,

There’s too much doubt,

And though I see now,

Why

I don’t know how, To stop running,

It used be to away,

And now it’s sprinting forwards.

But there’s so much wrong,

So much to figure out.

Rushing hard doesn’t help,

When I don’t know the route.

I can’t avoid feelings,

But with them, I’m always lost.

I can’t seem to feel my feelings,

When they’re always pushing,

And I’m always reeling.

Try all I can,

Give all I’ve got,

That’s the way,

I brought me up.

02:10

I highly recommend the book Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz. It’s helped me a lot, and boils down to the idea that we have “parts,” and that our thoughts and feelings can sometimes be diametrically opposite.

It, along with being able to speak with zero inhibitions to my therapist that makes me feel heard and my thoughts not seem batshit insane, has really brought up a lot of old memories and scared parts of myself. What I thought was anxiety, I’m learning to notice as a fear I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and that fear helped me survive a lot of my early years of trauma.

https://ifs-institute.com

I can guarantee that this book will give you a sense of the answer you’re asking for.

You did amazing, great joke. Thank you for this.

In the hope of the slightest chance that this might help, I’m trying to start doing the “leaves on a stream” exercise that my therapist (I’ve only seen him once so far but it was really nice to be able to vent without fear of consequences, i haven’t had hope like this in a long time) recommended.

Not much maybe, but I hope this might help a little.