Schizoids are often characterized as those who have limited range of emotions, self-isolating, and lack care for social connections. How can I be a Marxist and Schizoid?

Part of my disorder stems from systemic depression. Becoming a Marxist is like dropping a solution into a mold and causing it to crumble into bits when the mold is cut open. I realized everything in a capitalist society is a lie. My entire being, my hopes, my aspirations, my motivations, were influenced by capitalism. The identity I was prideful of was destroyed. I became a shell of a human.

There was still hope right? I just needed to have the right aspirations. Having a better purpose, hope towards something, leaving an impact no matter how small. When I looked into nihilism and pessimism, my perception of purpose and meaning shattered. I was left in the dark, no where to go. What could keep me alive?

I went through an Anarcho-communist phase, which led me to the desire of becoming a wanderer. It was more for self-interest. A way to break away from society and it’s demands and expectations. I watched videos of vagabonds and trainhoppers, infatuated with defying the law, crossing borders illegally, and being able to go anywhere I wanted to go. When I saw the limitations of such activity, I became disillusioned.

I tried fitting into society again. Feeling guilty that I didn’t do what I was supposed to. Had I done X and Y, I would be on a road to success. Feeding myself this lie, hoping my brain would adapt to it. Which is why I’m in college “pursuing” a STEM degree. Apparently it made my depression worse. This is where the SzPD comes in.

I stopped caring about humans. Not in an eco-fascist aspect, but in regards to close connections within the society I’m forced in. Every connection in western society feels transactional to me. I don’t desire to benefit lives of humans in western countries if people in Palestine or Democratic Republic of Congo are oppressed. I don’t desire to improve the lives of the privileged if oppressed communities are forced to acquire dangerous materials for nothing. Hence why I stopped caring about engineering. The use of it doesn’t appeal to me.

Lately I’ve jumped back into the wanderer lifestyle, wishing to explore the world, but not for selfish reasons. I desire to see the material conditions of other places. Being American has limited my mind as the culture is rather isolating than diverse. Other cultures coming to America are conformed to Western ideals. US hegemony is spread all over the world. I wish to see the eyes of others, to gather their thoughts.

How am I still a Marxist? Why don’t I become apolitical and not care about the oppressed? Well I am oppressed, and I don’t like it. If I wasn’t oppressed, do you think I’d be a Marxist? If I wasn’t a societal reject, do you think I’d try defying authority? If I didn’t mind loss of autonomy, do you think I’d not want to marry a man and have children? If I didn’t mind facing different treatment because of my skin color, do you think I’d stop trying to prove myself worthy to an oppressive system? And if the fact that many others go through these same things didn’t bother me, do you think I’d care?

I never kept false ideas of meritocracy. I never instilled in my mind that there’s a sucker born every minute, or that you have to step over others to get ahead. I fail to see a destination. I fail to know what ‘ahead’ truly means. I’m afraid of heights, so I don’t desire to climb a ladder and risk getting yanked off to a hard fall. I don’t wish to climb towards anything. I don’t wish to be “great.”

I still desire to organize and establish connections with other comrades, however I’m quite selective. I wish to become one of the many termite that nibbles at the system’s base. But for now, I’m an outsider observing from afar. I’m not proud of it, nor ashamed of it.