October 21, 2024

Today in historiography was presentations. I barely paid attention, not out of disrespect but because I wanted to spend the time studying for my modern Europe quiz that was happening the next day. There was a lot more material that we needed to study for this quiz so I was kind of freaking out. Even though we had a lot more to study, the quiz was the exact same length so… yeah. I will get into it a bit more in the next post (day 33).

I did pop my head up here and there to look at the presenters and not seem like a total asshole, hopefully my professor didn’t notice my lack of attention.

So let me take some time to talk about the baptism I went to briefly because it actually did throw off my week quite a bit. It was for my cousin’s baby and it happened on the 20th. I never liked church, even as a kid I never enjoyed going. From kindergarten to grade 5 I went to a catholic school and grew up Roman Catholic but I was never truly deep in it. Yes I had all the sacraments (which I hated because it required me to attend classes) but I was a child and didn’t really have a choice, I did pray every night before sleeping. I do not hate religion and I think when people have faith it can be great. But attending mass and going to these things always gives me a sense of unease. That feeling has gotten worse ever since my grandmother accused me of being influenced by the Devil. Do I believe I am possessed by a demon? No, of course not. But just having something like that thrown in my face gave me a bitter taste in my mouth. When it comes to these baptisms I am always early (because of my grandma), which means I have to attend mass and sit there feeling awkward as hell. Churches feel like an oppressive force, in the narrative sense, not structural. It’s a pressure, a weird aura bearing down.

I stand when the priest says, I sit when permitted, but I never pray or sing along nor do I do the sign of the cross. The peace be with you thing? I do not participate in it, I just sit and make myself look as small and forgettable as possible. Do I sound like an asshole? I hope not. Church is a social place and that is not for me, plus I think it would be weird for me to pretend to be something I am not, wouldn’t it be disrespectful? I don’t want to be inauthentic. I know my grandmother finds this frustrating but she hasn’t said anything about it. I sit through these sermons, checking my phone for the time here and there, listening to what they preach about and it makes me… disappointed? The priest brought up a story about his blind grandmother who lived in essentially poverty and yet she was never sad because she had faith in god and that could keep you going even with structural challenges. He used the word structural. It is so interesting to hear these concepts talked about during mass and yet the solution is always faith in God, which makes me upset. You can rest assured I do not make a fuss, I just sit there and think. It just makes me sad that these are material problems with actual tangible solutions, and yet that is never touched on. In the end I get it, this is church, I don’t expect the priest to preach Marxism and whatnot, I just find this strange to me. I am glad people can find comfort and meaning in religion, but it just will not solve these issues.

Maybe it’s the Catholic guilt that still lingers within me, or the Devil.

Anyway the song “Fable” by Gigi Perez means a lot to me.