There’s some guy I talk to who believes the theory that the top 20 percent of dudes get 80% of women, and that because he doesn’t have a brad pitt jaw and isn’t 6’ +, he might as well just hate women because they’ll never like him anyways.

  • GaveUp [love/loves]@hexbear.netEnglish
    29·
    2 months ago

    I studied CS so I used to know quite a few. The ones I hung out with though were only incels in the literal sense. They couldn’t get any because they were way too shy to flirt/ask women out, too socially awkward, put almost 0 effort into their looks, etc. but they were very nice people and respected women

    I actually know quite a few incels (in the more common sense) now in my workplace/mutual friends (all tech bros, ofc) but I don’t talk to them + they actually all have GFs/wives because they’re rich/their partners are just as offputting as them

  • AntiOutsideAktion [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    20·
    2 months ago

    Depending on how you define it, me. I’ve never felt good enough to be in a relationship and I’ve deeply internalized the idea of ‘don’t bother them if they wanted to talk to you they would’

    • FearsomeJoeandmac [he/him, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      15·
      2 months ago

      I’ll let you in on something you may or may not be aware of.

      Fwiw in the US and other western societies, men are generally expected to make the first move. So don’t sell yourself short. Especially if you’ve caught them checking you out or staring at you.

      Go up and say hi, introduce yourself and feel things out.

      You won’t know if they want to talk to you if you never try man

      Edit:Man is expected not the woman

    • MaoTheLawn [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
      13·
      2 months ago

      if you’re really a leftist, you’d have to be somewhat compassionate, generous, empathetic, and understanding. That makes you a better partner than a lot of people out there.

      Being into politics also shows a level of intrigue in the world that a lot people really just don’t have, and it makes for good conversation and an interesting personality (to those who are also politically inclined).

      That matters a lot. When you’re younger, you fuck people because they’re hot. Quite often the personality isn’t quite there. As you get older, you realise that it’s just not worth the boring hours of conversation for sex where theres no chemistry (because youre not truly comfortable with each other). If you’ve got banter and things in common with someone that you’re passionate about, sex and relationships can feel like they’re just destiny. It just happens, and it feels right, because you’re genuinely connected and enjoying someone’s company.

      I mean seriously, a sizeable number of guys still expect women to cook them a meal and wash up afterwards every day.

      Anyway if you’ve got a stern or disinterested look about you (which you will have, if you’re clocked out), no one will come up to you. Like, I’m an attractive guy, I put a fair bit of effort into how I look, but if I go to a party I don’t want to be at I’ll stand there with a stern face wishing I was somewhere else. No one will really come talk to me. If I’m smiling, dancing, or even just being chatty with people, I’ll get hit on a lot. It makes a world of difference.

      • RyanGosling [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
        3·
        2 months ago

        That matters a lot. When you’re younger, you fuck people because they’re hot. Quite often the personality isn’t quite there. As you get older, you realise that it’s just not worth the boring hours of conversation for sex where theres no chemistry

        I keep hearing from people that “it gets better when you’re older.” But i don’t have the patience to wait 10-20 years for it to “get better” lol. I rather mindlessly fuck hot people than to not do it.

        • MaoTheLawn [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
          2·
          2 months ago

          I don’t mean 10-20 years. I mean I’m not even 25 and I’m with someone who wants more than to fuck around. There’s plenty of people like that out there. Millions of people get into relationships when they’re not even 20, even if it’s only for a year or two.

          If you want to mindlessly fuck hot people, then you must become a mindless hot person.

    • BeamBrain [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
      9·
      2 months ago

      Being autistic, I feel this so hard.

      CW: Ableism

      For all of my life, society - including many “left” spaces - has drilled into my head that I am repulsive, I am undesirable, I am an inferior class of human being whose very existence is an imposition on those around me.

      It is, to put it lightly, not a recipe for confidence in approaching women.

    • RyanGosling [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
      3·
      2 months ago

      Well, if you don’t believe they’ll ever reciprocate, then what’s the harm in saying hi? There’s no pressure if you already know the outcome. It’s like a fixed sale vs. a flash sale.

  • ButtBidet [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    17·
    2 months ago

    I’ve had boys in my class go this way before. I hate to sound like I’m bragging, but it’s not hard to push it out of them if they’re under 19 and you have enough time with them. The boys who grow into super reactionaries never take a class with me.

  • CloutAtlas [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    11·
    2 months ago

    I know one that went from having a relatively normal love life to incel because he became a homophobic Catholic in the middle of the George Pell scandal.

  • Anxious_Anarchist [they/them, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
    6·
    2 months ago

    I didn’t really know him personally, but while I was doing a social worker program in college this guy started going on an incel rant in class.

    The class was about internalized oppression and we were in the unit on internalized misogyny, and he just started going off about how women don’t actually want nice guys and how they want the hot rich guys who are abusive.

    He had a lot of other really problematic views, my friends and I still wonder why he joined the program to begin with.

  • LanyrdSkynrd [comrade/them, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
    71·
    2 months ago

    Is the 80/20 thing really false? I don’t know anything personally, but anecdotally it seems true from talking to men who use the apps to date. Some guys get as many dates as they want, and others basically get none.

    I don’t think it’s about being 6ft or having chadface or whatever, it’s about mastering the stupid gameification of romance(and paying for premium subscriptions).

    I’m happy to be wrong about this, though.

    • kivork [he/them]English
      111·
      2 months ago

      It’s absolutely false. Go outside and look at couples walking around or in restaurants. Our perceptions of actual romance are so skewed. Most people are just kindof normal looking. In reality its like the top 90 percent of men get 90 percent of women

      For women on dating apps there is a huge amount of risk to their safety tied to any match. So if the vibes aren’t immaculate or the vibes are good but the person is just pretty cute then it might not be worth the risk.

      For men seeking women there is a question of whether the match will be a disspointment or a waste of money. But for women it’s am I going to die. So of course only a tiny percent of men on effectively anonymous dating apps pass the vibes and initial attraction tests to be worth that risk.

  • Anvil_Lavigne [she/her, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    4·
    2 months ago

    there’s one i used to talk to. idk, guess i figured i might be able to help him out of it, but the ideology had seeped into his every cell; it was impossible to have a reasonable conversation with him at all. it was all so horribly naked, too, like he really wanted to be the absolute most vile of the bunch.

    i think about him, sometimes.

    in retrospect, the fact that i tried to talk to him prolly has more than a little to do with where i am today.

  • jjjalljs@ttrpg.networkEnglish
    2·
    2 months ago

    I don’t know any.

    Most of my friends are queer and/or polyamorous and I don’t think that overlaps much with incel.