OPENING CAVEAT: this is purely a rant about my own experiences as a not-rich leftist cis man in a mostly liberal city trying to date women. I cannot speak to any other experiences but mine.

I’m an occasional poster, mostly lurker here posting on a burner acct cause I don’t want to get at all personal on main.

all that out of the way….I am in my mid thirties, living in a large city, strongly leftist (maybe not by hexbear standards but certainly those of….virtually everywhere else), and holy shit does straight dating fucking suck in the 2020s. or at least it has for me.

over the course of my adult years I have rejected one way or another pretty much every structural advantage cis white men typically enjoy (especially higher income) in search of somewhat more ethical ways to get by. I quit my old “real” (bullshit) career and switched over to physical labor work that lets me completely unplug and helps me stay (relatively) fit but also keeps me perpetually on the edge of broke. when I tell women what I do there is a total incuriosity about it, as opposed to when I had a relatively well-paid bullshit career with a ladder - that, strangers can respect. now I scrape by but I no longer have panic attacks wondering what the fuck I’m doing. a personal win that has nevertheless rendered me a lot less dateable in the eyes of my peers. I am not imagining this change in perception, I don’t think, nor did I anticipate it. I guess I should have.

that’s when I even get to the stage of chatting someone up, mind you. when I walk into a small venue or party surrounded by strangers, to steal a line, “I do not light it up.” a single man (or at least a single me) at a social gathering or event is like a fucking wandering fart. (I have described this phenomenon to a couple of female friends and they didn’t disagree.) I guess this helps explain the enduring “wingman” concept but p much all my friends are partnered women I would never dare ask to help me in that way.

I’m slightly below average height which rules out dating basically all women over 5’7 due to idk internalized misogyny or whatever (ftr I would have absolutely no problem dating a taller person if they were attracted to me, and in fact was with someone significantly taller for several years, but since the advent of the apps I get the sense I’m getting filtered out altogether, whether on an app or in person). I know there are a lot of jokes about this but it really is just statistically measurably more difficult in my experience to date women as a short-ish guy (unless you’re rich I assume).

in theory I could end my misery of abject singlehood by submitting myself to the mercy of The Apps - I met my last partner there a couple of years ago after a fucking shit ton of swiping - but I am too full of spite to consider going back right now. I hate hate hate using them, hate the feeling that I am entering a highly competitive meat market in which I am clearly a below average cut due to the above mentioned reasons, hate being reminded every time I open them up. also as mentioned I’m fuckin broke and at least as a man, ime, you gotta pay money to make them usable/useful (AKA shoot enough shots to even get a response before you hit the paywall).

that’s all beside my philosophical/political objection to using them which is that I fuckin abhor having to give my extremely personal information to some evil company. that’s why I have tried to manufacture as many scenarios/activities as possible to meet ppl IRL, but it’s been a couple of years of this with barely a hint of a spark anywhere.

here’s another major problem specific to my age bracket and gender: I emphatically DO NOT WANT to try to date significantly younger women, but ime they really do seem to make up the majority of women interested in dating a man my age who lives the way I do (that is, sans any sense of upward mobility or interest in “traditional” ways of doing things).

lastly, I wanted to add something about the cis aspect of all this….most of my friends and associates are women and nb folks, and virtually all of them are some flavor of queer. I’m not really, or certainly not enough to comfortably identify that way. it really seems like all the cheap and no-cost speed dating events and mixers I’ve spotted, or at least the ones that would theoretically be good for meeting other leftists, are queer-centric or queer-exclusive. great for you folks! not very helpful for me tho…

also before anyone chimes in with “it’s cool/ok/fine to be single” or any variant thereof….I’ve already spent major chunks of my adult life, years at a time, on my own. I’ve reaped all the benefits there are from singlehood, and I’m grateful for them, but I’m just so fucking lonely and it gets harder every year.

thank you for entering the leftist cis man rant zone. I invite other hexbears to share their grievances as well. I’m not really looking for advice tbh just wanted to yell somewhere

EDIT: shout out to all fellow hexbears struggling in this area I very much like you all!

  • DrCrustacean [any]@hexbear.net
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    3 months ago

    I know it can be frustrating when someone gives you advice in response to venting…

    But

    p much all my friends are partnered women I would never dare ask to help me in that way.

    Why not? I don’t know the nature of your friendships, but I don’t think its too much to ask a favor to help set you up with someone. Friend-of-a-friend type situations were how most couples met before The Time of The App in my experience

    • burnerforyou [he/him]@hexbear.netOP
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      3 months ago

      mainly two reasons:

      1 at this point my close friends, who I can count on one hand, are ppl I’ve known for 10-15+ years and it just feels weird to rock certain boats in certain directions iykwim

      2 my friends are all “well-adjusted” lib professionals whose friends are also that and none of them would stoop to dating a broke manual laborer who doesn’t want to buy a house or whatever. I’m a total outlier in my social circle even a degree or two removed. again, whoops!

      • HexBroke [any, comrade/them]@hexbear.net
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        3 months ago

        2 my friends are all “well-adjusted” lib professionals whose friends are also that and none of them would stoop to dating a broke manual laborer

        A lot of the PMC women I work with are married to broke manual labourers

        I’m not sure it’s for you to decide who doesn’t want to date you

          • GarbageShoot [he/him]@hexbear.net
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            3 months ago

            I’m with you on a lot of things in this thread, but this one looks like you’re looking for a cop out. Do what you will, but I think there’s a real possibility here that isn’t totally eclipsed by the prejudices you mention.

          • GalaxyBrain [they/them]@hexbear.net
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            3 months ago

            My friend and former roommate who is in his mid 40s had barely ever had a job, was homeless for 20 years and had only gotten off heroin and on to methadone because covid happened and he knew supplies would dry up quick but would still totally do all drugs and would bang opiates if they came by at a good price and in fact was pretty frequently smoking fentanyl when he met his first partner in over a decade, they’re a school board member and they’re still together 3 years later.

    • GarbageShoot [he/him]@hexbear.net
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      3 months ago

      , but I don’t think its too much to ask a favor to help set you up with someone.

      Is this something that it’s socially okay to ask for? I’m good enough at making friends but this sort of thing seems outside of the realm of anyone’s conception.