I feel this. Gender introspection usually involves digging up a lot repressed pain. It’s not something that is universally positive for all people at all points in their life. I think if you’re in an otherwise safe position to do the work, it’s almost always positive. But plenty of people have good and enduring reasons for the repression they’ve done. Regardless of what the result of that introspection might be for you, I’m sorry you don’t feel safe enough to really think about it. Shit sucks. I’m still boymoding the vast majority of the time but I do not envy the version of myself that didn’t know.