The French have long been harassing the legitimacy of Corsica, but the current Corsican FM wants to make sure that this resistance against French Authoritarianism won’t go silently into the night.

“We did not resurrect Napoleon Bonaparte just to be belittled by the hooligans at Paris.”

The Corsican President said this during her speech at yesterday’s conference by the International Enragement for Democracy (IED).

For context: in 1996, a group of Corsicans set sail by fishing boat towards Saint Helena to dig up the remains of the long-deceased French Emperor. Once dug up, they performed rituals such as cutting Napoleon’s left ear (which was surprisingly intact) off and setting it on fire, then throwing the inflamed ear into the city of London which is said to make Napoleon so happy that he will come back to life since the ear would’ve causes a second great fire in London.

“London’s on fire,” said the leader of the expedition. Once Napoleon’s bones heard those words, his flesh immediately replenished and he was ready to rule once again! … but only on Corsica since the Americans stationed troops in mainland France to “protect it.”

Skipping the blood-tainted details of the liberation of Corsica and going directly to the present, Corsica now stands at a tipping point. Wherein it is either going to be “peacefully” reintegrated into France or be invaded by French forces.

Since Corsica has no control over its future, the FM said this on his latest speech:

“Corsica must build up defenses against the French Regime. There is no time for so-called ‘peaceful’ talks. We know exactly what the French want from us and we will do anything to protect the Corsican people.”

A glimmer of hope shines through as the Chinese send military equipment to the island of Corsica in an attempt to save the island from invading French forces. These actions are definitely not against international law because Corsica is not recognized as a real country and the Chinese are definitely not arming secessionists. Although self-proclaimed Experts on this issue keep saying that the country of Corsica doesn’t exist and that Napoleon is still dead, they are clearly wrong because our sources are… uhm… our sources are… Ourselves! Isn’t that everyone’s source?