At this point in order to function “normally” in society I more or less have to wall off the parts of myself that care about anything real.

I feel despondent most of the time and was in a real nasty place the other day. The only time I start to get worried about my depression is when imagining my own violent death brings me a sense of inner peace. I was there. Everything is so exhausting and horrifying and wretched, and I have to endure it all alone. I have my mom and brothers, sure, but that’s not enough for me, and everything I do feels pointless.

I just keep going anyway. It might get better. Might not. But I’m not going to hurt myself as long as that will hurt the people around me.

yeah

i grew up watching feckless anti-war protests and occupy get crushed. Feels like protest doesn’t actually do anything but people are too civility brained or scared of prison to go around murdering oil executives.

honestly, the only way i figure we can keep going on is optimistic nihilism or really optimistic doomerism where we try to enjoy our meagre lives as everything around us around us falls to pieces. what can we do to change this fucked up world? what can one person do? i guess it’s up to us to try our best, but we could also not. just log off and stop being communists all of us. what i wouldn’t give to be a hapless liberal again or barring that a chud.

it’s either that or die fighting as a foreign fighter for the PFLP in minecraft

Pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will. - Gramsci

… Still working on it.😅

Usually when I get to really low points I end up trying to be extremely helpful to random people in real life or online (the motivation for my emulation mega thread on hexbear).

I’ve just always sorta figured that if in my lowest moments I’m willing to help people (even in silly non-serious ways) that that alone is enough worth fighting for.

On the digital front, whenever I come upon some wildly helpful thread on the internet I take an extra second to appreciate the effort that someone went through to make this for some anonymized random person in the world strictly because they felt it should exist. People like building things solely for the purpose of helping others and that makes things a little more bearable to me.

Your posts, as stupid and silly as they frequently are, usually end up making my days a little bit brighter even for just a moment, and the fact that someone wants to do that as some bizarre artistic expression lets me know that there are other people out there trying to make things better for the sake of making things better in whatever way, small or big, that they can.

This got kinda rambly but I hope it maybe made things seem somewhat less bleak.

joy will only be found in the red army

We all have each other at least. I think that like minded people coming together like this is something positive to look at. It creates the possibility of a better future through the collective work of all those gathered. Idk, people coming together to compare notes often gives me hope. I know that might sound sappy or cliche to some but, that is what I feel.
💛 🟥

spite is like breakfast for me now, important for everyday function

I feel much the same way

Part of the reason why I’m moving and going partially off-grid is because I want to live somewhere that seems to be more resilient in the face of climate collapse and catastrophic temperature spikes and try to be more self-sustaining if and when society outright collapses, maybe even with a better chance of making some new friends with my new neighbors there (current neighbors are a mix of full blown lawn obsessed MAGA boomers and computer touching “fuck you got mine” neoliberal Xers).

I don’t know if it will be enough. I’m going to try, especially because as a father-to-be I need to try for the next generation’s sake.

Yeah it sucks. Have to numb myself a lot just to make it. I’m sure the people at work think I’m mentally disabled or fucked in some way out in the world because of this. And one of the few comforts we have is each other but I can’t be both extremely open to people and life while not getting devastated by them equally. The toturous impasse of existing.

You’re not watching the murder of anything beautiful, comrade. You’re lamenting the death of what you imagined could be. It doesn’t have to die as long as you can imagine it.

The war started long before we were born and it’ll continue long after we fall and most of the battles we don’t win. But as long as I breathe there’ll still be one communist fighting. You with me?

Your line about watching the murder of something beautiful really hits home. We live in such an incredible world, filled with wonder and with the capacity for joy and fulfillment for so many living creatures, and our overlords shit on it just for some meager profits in the next quarter. Most people I know are capable of recognizing this, but are stuck in a spiral racing just to stay afloat or willfully ignorant because the status quo benefits them even just a little bit.

I don’t know what to say to strengthen you against this. It all just sucks so much. I know there is a better world possible, but so often I can’t see a path towards it. I will say I appreciate your posts and look forward to them. You have the ability to make me laugh but I also appreciate the righteous anger you also show. I also really love your c/bloomer posts because they remind me that there are positive signs of where humanity is heading and that we still owe it to this planet to fight for a better future

Sometimes things are good, sometimes I have to rely on spite to keep me going