I don’t know where to start, I don’t even how much I can say. But I need to say some things just to get them off my chest somewhere that I might be understood.

My fiance and I broke up last summer. I knew it was coming, it was even mutual, but it still hurt immensely. I have BPD and deal very poorly with being alone. I met some people online, largely in kink spaces as I tend to do well and have fun there. One of them stood out to me.

She told me a lot of things about herself. Her terrible home life, general isolation, mistreatment by family, lack of anyone who understood or really cared. We seemed to have a lot of shared interests, and it sometimes seemed like every time I’d express something I liked she’d be about it too. She told me again and again how much I meant to her, how I was the only one who truly cared in the way she needed. She made me feel like I had always wished someone would, at first.

Things started getting weird, eventually. Some of you have probably seen my other post about it. Strange long absences, excuses as to why we couldn’t date (even though she “wanted to”). I thought so strongly that I was being there for someone who really loved me and needed someone who wouldn’t leave. She even told me people always left her, which since I have BPD and know exactly what that’s like, really ensured I’d stick around. I wrote love notes, bought presents even though I hadn’t physically seen her in over a month. I was so sure she was really going through some terrible things.

I found out a few days ago that everything about her was a lie. Every single feature of her, everything she told me. Her family didn’t even mistreat her. Literally everything about her was invented to get me to do something I otherwise would never have. Her lie was so bad I’m in serious trouble now, and don’t know how to live with myself given what I was manipulated into doing. This might destroy my entire life. I feel so hurt, so betrayed, and so used. I don’t even understand why she did it. None of it makes sense to me.

I’m so sorry.