Some highlights if you don’t want to click:

Temperatures are forecast to be warmer than normal for all of the northern U.S., from northern California, Oregon and Washington to Pennsylvania, New York and into New England.

NOAA says that temperatures will stay closer to the 30-year average for the South.

For the precipitation (rain, snow, sleet, etc.), the northern states could see below-normal snowfall, especially in the northern Rockies and the Great Lakes.

Across most of the South, wetter than normal conditions are expected, especially in the Southeast from Louisiana to Florida and into the Carolinas.

For the Northeast, there is a chance that this will be a wetter than normal winter from Washington, D.C., to Philadelphia, to New York City and into southern New England.

super important detail

One other thing to note, this is all a probability forecast. The atmosphere is very fluid and dynamic, and forecasts could change.

What the hell is poor Frankie going to do without all the snowstorms in the Midwest?

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“Much wetter than normal” in Florida. Does that mean God wants to drown the suckers?

And here I was patting myself on the back for moving north to combat rising temperatures

Warm winter, woo! Which is really going to suck for anyone downstream of the Pacific Northwest expecting water next spring

From droughts to floods, yeehaw

The forecast is we’re all going to die.

…

And there will be no one left to remember our stories.

If we had to sum it up the one word? Horizontally