Have any queer vibes to share? Here’s your place! 
Talk about what’s happening queerly in your life - like coming out, getting HRT, questioning, and all that good stuff.
No cishets allowed! 
update on something i posted about a lot earlier this year (CW - surgery regret, suicide)
i posted a lot earlier this year about how distraught i was with my body and having had a surgery i didn’t actually need/want. i’ve done a lot of thinking about this and would like to talk a bit about where i’m at now with things
i spent months beating myself up over this and pushing myself into a full crisis, because i was understandably mortified when i realized the full scope of what i did, what i can’t get back, and what i’m going have to work very hard to get back. to say it fucked me up was an understatement. eventually i decided to stop dilating entirely around month 8 of recovery from vaginoplasty and didn’t resume dilating until mid month 9
i spent so long thinking about how much i hated myself for letting this happen. i was disgusted looking at my body. i made a suicide plan and picked a definitive date if i didn’t have stage 1 phalloplasty by that day. i felt like every day got harder to go on and my digest with my body grew and grew
but like in all of my worst moments, i was able to eventually ground myself and basically asked myself how did this happen and how do i move forward?
i think beyond the horrifying gender essentialist brainworms i had for myself, i also convinced myself no one would ever believe me that i was dysphoric and wanted surgery if i wasn’t suffering every day. i spent so long being abused growing up and being told no one would ever like me or believe me. as much as i wanted to believe i got past it, i accepted that it still existed in me. it caused me to bury my head so deep in despair that i didn’t realize i could like the body i had and it was perfectly fem the way it was. the worst part is, i was doing it again this year. i can still work towards surgery eventually, but i don’t need to rush into it right now. i can take some time and enjoy my life now. i can take care of my vagina, want a dick more than anything, and neither of those things contradict each other. i don’t need to perform agony to be believed. i wish i knew that sooner
thankfully a lot of deep reflection has helped with that. one day i’m going to get surgery and have a dick again, but not till i’m ready. this year isn’t the only year i can do this. when the time is right, I will know. till then, i’ve resumed dilation and i’m going to be using my vagina and really want to for the first time very soon. i don’t hate my past self like i once did. she had a rough go of it and made some understandable mistakes, but she doesn’t deserve my anger. i think things are going to be okay. no more suicide notes, no more self imposed sadness 💜
im really glad you’re starting the process of healing!!
thank you
So glad to hear your update 🧡🧡
I went to a wedding and was very jealous (not of the couple, but one of the bridesmaids, a trans woman) Totally doing fine with presenting masc tho I swear
Actually it was great to see her tbf, and everyone not being shitty to her, and since she was in the wedding party, her professionally done makeup! all v cool. Just forced me to think about myself in a very “whats stopping you then?” light
That’s a pretty odd feeling, when you see another trans person being open and accepted when you’re still hiding. I’ve been running into that a lot recently, and I think it’s what will finally get me to go full time.
Oh yeah you’re totally right. Makes me soooo jealous lol but also like I crush on them for being so strong willed and stuff 😅 definitely weird feelings all around
Take the time you need, this is all super intimidating at first. You’re in one of the roughest spot of the entire process rn, it’s normal to struggle with the first steps.
All I want is a cute subby boymoder trans girl to cuddle and do her makeup is that too much to ask in this cursed conservative rural hellscape
👀
Cool if you’re into me straddling you while I tell you not to flinch as I do your eyeliner and grind subtly hmu
Oh yes
Wish I had a cute girl to straddle me and do my makeup 😔
I did mention it in the last thread but I did get to sleep with my roommate and it was quite heavenly! Unfortunately she doesn’t like being cuddled while she sleeps which is a bummer but I still got some good cuddles beforehand :)
yay!
So it seems pretty clear to me that the medical system is just utterly clogged where I live (montreal). The clinic that does informed consent has just not gotten back to me. I think my medical card expired again along with my license and I don’t even know when I’m gonna be able to get that fixed. I think I’m gonna just go DIY now. Anyone got some good guides or advice? I have no idea what I’m doing ;-;
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GRS? I dunno if they only do the surgeries but it’s also like THE place for trans healthcare in the entire country, I can see why they’d be backed up.
thank god for my therapist, without her i would have absolutely no sense of sanity or affirmation at all.
my mom is still very against me taking estrogen and has basically said she can’t bear to live with me if i decide to take it. it’s weird because she’s not really kicking me out, she just wants us to get separate studio apartments… while neither of us have a job (living off my unemployment bennies plus money from a well-off friend of hers) which makes getting accepted for an apartment that isn’t a shitbox unlikely at best.
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I’m assuming I’m allowed to post here as a non hexbearI’ve been feeling kinda nervous and antsy all day since my doctors appointment to get my HRT prescription is next week. I’m kinda dreading the next few nights since whenever I’m stressed or nervous I sleep like shit. But I guess that’s what happens when you spend 3 years trying to get something and now it’s almost in reach.
that’s so exciting! i hope you can get some sleep before then
also, you’re definitely welcome to post here
Thanks! <3
I’m definitely excited but this sorta stuff gets on my nerves and then becomes all I can think about, luckily last night my sleep wasn’t too bad.
- how’s everyone doing this week?
Pretty ok, been WAYYYY cutting down on drinking and got some helper meds from my psych. Nothing crazy, the only thing thats sucking is my sleep and appetite. Took the corgo to the bar yesterday and stuck with Topo Chico while I played games. Had a lovely chat with the bartender (everyone there knows me, we’re all pretty close) about gender identity, attraction to others, and self identifying.
Also fuck my job, if anyone needs a soutions architect/implementation lead/project manager, holler at your corgi.
I’m changing to 12 hour night shifts for a couple days then back again for more orientation then back AGAIN. After this I’ll have normal shifts, which is nice, itll still be switching back and forth but way less often. I don’t get the nurses that do casual and part time in a bunch of places, it’s nice to be able to set up your schedule how you want it week to week but I like having just one home unit and having my full time hours there. It’d be different if I had kids like they do I guess, I don’t have anybody to make time for after I broke up with my ex, no more pets, I moved really far away so I don’t have friends in town at the moment either.
My boobs have also been hurting again like they were when they were growing in the first time. They’re definitely bigger, I have to buy some better fitting bras. I kinda didn’t expect any more growth and definitely not this much, it’s weird complaining about it cause I did want them to be a little bigger but I had forgotten in my hubris just how much they hurt to grow in the first place ughhh
Saw a guy who’s friends with my shitty ex and remembered the advice he gave them and it’s like Sorry for violating monogamous dating rituals, it will happen again.
Oh to explain the both of them were upset that I didn’t follow the mourning period you’re supposed to go through for a month or two following a breakup and entered a relationship. It’s funny because both me and my ex had been checked out of our relationship for several months by that point, and I’m also polyamorous so that new relationship was something that was already in the works before I even broke up with my ex. Of course, neither my ex nor their friend took any effort to consider things from my point of view, and that was one of the key events that resulted in my ex refusing to stay friends with me. Soooo glad i don’t have to deal with their bullshit any more, I hate monogamous ppl 🥰
Soooooo lots of updates from me. I finally moved into my own place. I was very curious to see how I’d react to that because I’m still figuring things out, but wirh alone time I realized that I never ever really wanted to wear guy clothes. Pretty much girl mode 100% of the time at home now. I’m still scared to present in public but that’s also because I just feel like lots of things don’t look right on me :/. So still figuring out clothes and stuff.
But, after a week of being in my own place I finally set up a Dr’s appointment to get referred to an endo. So, the ball is rolling in some way now. Makes me really nervous but also am feeling very anxious to just START. like probably will take 2-3 months from here to actually get estrogen.
It is strange because like, for me, I want to start. But I’m so so so scared to come out, and likely estrogen is gonna force me to come out at some point when the changes become too obvious. And that scares me. Pretty sure my entire family has absolutely no idea. I’m scared of how it will affect how my family interacts with me. I’m scared of a lot of things around coming out. Bit like, I also don’t see another option. I can’t go back at this point, I don’t think i could handle it.
So little vent post there haha but things are happening for me and I’m feeling better and better :)
Congrats on starting the process! There’s a lot to be scared about, but it’ll be worth it when you start. You already know it will be too given how much struggle you know you’re gonna face by going down this path
Glad to hear you’re feeling better too
🧡🧡
lol apparently roomie and I had someone convinced we were dating like I can see where they came up with that notion but it’s still funny
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