My dad has mentioned he’s had conversations with many friends about this, where the friends are talking about how fucked they are, because they are still paying bills for “kids” in their mid-30s. Then they say, “you know how it is…” My dad replies that he doesn’t, because he never gave any of us anything after college. When I said to him I didn’t know that was an option, he said it wasn’t.
I have to believe the expectations set my the parents matter a lot. If the kids know they are going to be on their own, they’ll figure it out. If life sucks, they’ll have to figure that out too. The parents aren’t just screwing up their retirement, they’re screwing up the kids.
My dad helped us through college, which was amazing, but with limits. I had friends who were given daddy’s credit card. I got the basics covered… a dorm and a meal plan. If I wanted to live off campus, I’d get the same amount, so I actually had to budget, watch my spending, and got a job so I could afford gas and stuff. I knew once I graduated that was it. I crashed at his place for a little while while I found my first job, but I had to buy my own food and if I stayed there more than a certain period of time I was going to get charged rent. It was probably something like a 6-12 month grace period of no rent, assuming I was actively looking for a job and not being a shit bag.
My cousins didn’t get their college paid for, and their parents told them this very young. As a result, they got jobs pretty young and were told to save 50% or more for college from every check. All of those kids who paid their own way are through college are now married, with kids and homes, all without leaning on their parents into adulthood. I don’t think they are carrying any student loans either, due to the early saving and working through school.
Expectations matter. Set them early and stick to them. If the kids think that their parents are their solution to every problem into adulthood, they’re going to be extremely fucked when those parents die. I worked with a guy like that. He lived with his parents until they died when he was in his late 50s. He had no life skills at all. It was pretty sad. He had a stroke, would regularly come to work drunk, then stopped coming to work (only had to show up 3 days per week), and quit when the boss said he actually had to come to work after he exhausted about 5x his normal sick days. He didn’t know the difference between yogurt and pudding. He’d just play Facebook games and drink and handle of whisky everyday. No one wants that life for their kid. Taking care of them is only nice to a point. In the long run it’s cruel.
You sound like somebody who had an incredibly fortunate childhood and you don’t understand anything about people who actually had to work to get where they are.
You claim that your parents didn’t support you but they paid your college. It sounds like you got supported a lot.
The people who really had to pull themselves up by their bootstraps are people like me. I quit a full ride scholarship to go back home and get a job to support my father and family after he broke his back at work and it took two years before his disability paid out.
From there I was destitute and I’ve had to work my way back up to a point where I can afford to pay college out of pocket by myself while also affording all of my other expenses (like purchasing a house, and supporting my own family as an adult.) I’ve had to make serious sacrifices in my life.
You really should be less judgmental about other people because you sound ignorant when you make those comments.
Just so I’m clear. I wasn’t being judgmental of someone in your situation. I was being judgmental of parents like my dad’s friend who coddle their kids into their 30s, because they’re afraid to say no, not because life threw them a curve ball.
The main point of my post was about setting expectations. The expectations set for me was support would end after college, and I said was thankful for that. For my cousins, the expectations were that support would end after high school. Different circumstances, but both ended up ok, because the expectations were set early so the kids could plan accordingly, and we knew the parents were serious.
Things don’t always go as expected, which sounds like what happened to you. That sucks, and I’m sorry you had to go through that… and may still be going through it. I may be running into something like that soon when we have to make some hard choices about how to continue care for my grandma as the money runs out.
I got my own shit too, my childhood wasn’t all sunshine and farts. I try to play things conservatively so when I get curve balls I’m not totally screwed, but that’s harder when they come at you early in life.
I like to give people more credit than that. No one needs a formal education to make a budget or emergency fund. Having good examples going up helps significantly. But even without that, the internet, or a library, is an amazing resource to learn this kind of thing, where maybe someone can learn so they can teach it to their kids and stop the cycle. If we collectively throw up our hands and say no one can do anything about what they were born into and there is no upward mobility over the generations… then things can only get worse, because we’ve artificially closed off a main path for improvement.
This is basically what my dad did, and what someone along the lines had to do in every family tree with some level of “privilege”. People can be this person on their own family tree. It doesn’t mean they’ll go from broke to billionaire in one step; that’s not the goal. The goal would just be to start creating some stability and solid footing so if/when some shit happens there is a little cushion and people aren’t at the whims of the currently government to try and save them, as that’s never going to happen. And to create some education and habits around this finances in the home, as most schools are teaching this stuff.
My dad has mentioned he’s had conversations with many friends about this, where the friends are talking about how fucked they are, because they are still paying bills for “kids” in their mid-30s. Then they say, “you know how it is…” My dad replies that he doesn’t, because he never gave any of us anything after college. When I said to him I didn’t know that was an option, he said it wasn’t.
I have to believe the expectations set my the parents matter a lot. If the kids know they are going to be on their own, they’ll figure it out. If life sucks, they’ll have to figure that out too. The parents aren’t just screwing up their retirement, they’re screwing up the kids.
My dad helped us through college, which was amazing, but with limits. I had friends who were given daddy’s credit card. I got the basics covered… a dorm and a meal plan. If I wanted to live off campus, I’d get the same amount, so I actually had to budget, watch my spending, and got a job so I could afford gas and stuff. I knew once I graduated that was it. I crashed at his place for a little while while I found my first job, but I had to buy my own food and if I stayed there more than a certain period of time I was going to get charged rent. It was probably something like a 6-12 month grace period of no rent, assuming I was actively looking for a job and not being a shit bag.
My cousins didn’t get their college paid for, and their parents told them this very young. As a result, they got jobs pretty young and were told to save 50% or more for college from every check. All of those kids who paid their own way are through college are now married, with kids and homes, all without leaning on their parents into adulthood. I don’t think they are carrying any student loans either, due to the early saving and working through school.
Expectations matter. Set them early and stick to them. If the kids think that their parents are their solution to every problem into adulthood, they’re going to be extremely fucked when those parents die. I worked with a guy like that. He lived with his parents until they died when he was in his late 50s. He had no life skills at all. It was pretty sad. He had a stroke, would regularly come to work drunk, then stopped coming to work (only had to show up 3 days per week), and quit when the boss said he actually had to come to work after he exhausted about 5x his normal sick days. He didn’t know the difference between yogurt and pudding. He’d just play Facebook games and drink and handle of whisky everyday. No one wants that life for their kid. Taking care of them is only nice to a point. In the long run it’s cruel.
You sound like somebody who had an incredibly fortunate childhood and you don’t understand anything about people who actually had to work to get where they are.
You claim that your parents didn’t support you but they paid your college. It sounds like you got supported a lot.
The people who really had to pull themselves up by their bootstraps are people like me. I quit a full ride scholarship to go back home and get a job to support my father and family after he broke his back at work and it took two years before his disability paid out.
From there I was destitute and I’ve had to work my way back up to a point where I can afford to pay college out of pocket by myself while also affording all of my other expenses (like purchasing a house, and supporting my own family as an adult.) I’ve had to make serious sacrifices in my life.
You really should be less judgmental about other people because you sound ignorant when you make those comments.
Just so I’m clear. I wasn’t being judgmental of someone in your situation. I was being judgmental of parents like my dad’s friend who coddle their kids into their 30s, because they’re afraid to say no, not because life threw them a curve ball.
The main point of my post was about setting expectations. The expectations set for me was support would end after college, and I said was thankful for that. For my cousins, the expectations were that support would end after high school. Different circumstances, but both ended up ok, because the expectations were set early so the kids could plan accordingly, and we knew the parents were serious.
Things don’t always go as expected, which sounds like what happened to you. That sucks, and I’m sorry you had to go through that… and may still be going through it. I may be running into something like that soon when we have to make some hard choices about how to continue care for my grandma as the money runs out.
I got my own shit too, my childhood wasn’t all sunshine and farts. I try to play things conservatively so when I get curve balls I’m not totally screwed, but that’s harder when they come at you early in life.
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I like to give people more credit than that. No one needs a formal education to make a budget or emergency fund. Having good examples going up helps significantly. But even without that, the internet, or a library, is an amazing resource to learn this kind of thing, where maybe someone can learn so they can teach it to their kids and stop the cycle. If we collectively throw up our hands and say no one can do anything about what they were born into and there is no upward mobility over the generations… then things can only get worse, because we’ve artificially closed off a main path for improvement.
This is basically what my dad did, and what someone along the lines had to do in every family tree with some level of “privilege”. People can be this person on their own family tree. It doesn’t mean they’ll go from broke to billionaire in one step; that’s not the goal. The goal would just be to start creating some stability and solid footing so if/when some shit happens there is a little cushion and people aren’t at the whims of the currently government to try and save them, as that’s never going to happen. And to create some education and habits around this finances in the home, as most schools are teaching this stuff.
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Ok. Have fun waiting for the government to magically fix everything. You’re children’s children’s children will still be waiting.
Actually, I was thinking about what I said and that was way more harsh than I should speak to anyone.
I apologize for acting like a jerk. I appreciate what you said and hope you have a good day.
I was being far too sensitive, and that’s on me.
It’s all good. I hope things turn around for you. I hope you have a good day as well.
Uphill in the snow barefoot both ways, and so on…
Bless your heart