UPDATE: Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate all of it. With that being said, we’re out of the woods comrades :)

Firstly, I was wrong about them having to watch you piss. It turns out that I got that info from a panicked google search and I later called up the hospital to clarify this, they said that they would only need to watch me if I refused to provide a sample, or if it looks like the sample I provided had been contaminated. This was my first good news, as I saw this as a good opportunity to revisit Operation Pissjar™ where I bring in a jar of my clean friend’s piss.

After that though, I found out that they’re actually using the XCup 4 panel 4045 test, which, as it turns out, does not actually test for cannabis. It instead tests for amphetamines, cocaine, opiates, and PCP. If it were a 5 panel test, I would have needed to worry about cannabis, but it’s not, so I’m fine. I am a little bit peeved, though, as the offer letter my job sent specifically said they’d be testing for weed, and every cursory google search I made said that 4 panel tests look for weed, but the specific one that they’re using apparently doesn’t.

So apologies for the panic, but thank you all again for the advice. Fuck drug tests, fuck sobriety as a hiring requirement, fuck America.

Got dumped recently (last week), coped about it by doing a lot of drugs, realized that was a very bad idea, am better now <3

the fuckin Eren Yeager pfp is the bow on top of all of this

god fucking dammit is the cheese emoji a political thing now? is this another one i gotta worry about? has the cheese slice been bastardized?

(this person could also be a wisconsinite, i hope that is the case i don’t want cheese dog whistles)

hey where can i find a tailor to make me a suit that accommodates for my eight arms? i need them to be kinda cheap too, gotta cut costs to account for all the childcare and onions

i’m so close to parsing this, i can feel it in my bones

best of luck, you got this!!

i’m late but severely underrated comment

oh lmao ok apologies, i’ve never seen BtR, i just looked it up lol

that’s smart! thank you for the suggestion

ok sick, that’s a good idea, i have never earnestly used facebook but i could start if that’s what it takes lmao

i’m sorry, i recognize it’s a dumb question, it’s a genuine one tho lmao

i have ublock, the other three sound promising though

it’s super weird, I was watching a video on Israeli war crimes and then fuckin BAM the sidebar was all kids content and YouTube movies

my homepage is fine and normal, but the sidebar is still the same shit, and it’s like the same set list of videos too so i think it’s just broken

i clicked not interested for all of them and the list changed to just another list of kids stuff so hopefully the add-ons will help

yeah no lmao they’re just unhinged

The only reason it says that is because i changed their contact name to “lmao wafe”

It was just a “Hey, ******* it’s ******** with the Communist party, another member forwarded me your application and wanted me to reach out since there’s no official party presence in *******. Let me know if you want to get in touch with other members in *******!”

That would dox me