recently two friends of mine brought up autism in a conversation. one of them knows about my diagnosis and the other one is a nurse and regularly works with autistic children.
They brought up lots of things I disagree with and that kind of hurt me… They said things like “there are severely autistic people and there are others that are pretty chill” “being autistic is fashionable these days” “people use their autism as an excuse for bad behavior” “autistic people should keep their diagnosis for themselves because society is not really ready for that yet”
I tried to argue against it, but I wasn’t really good at that. I also didn’t feel comfortable to say I am autistic. I felt really devastated when I got back home. I texted one of my friends (the one who knows I am autistic) and said the whole conversation made me feel really bad.
Since she is gay I said that I am feeling the same way you would feel if two of your friends talked about homosexuality the way they talked about autism (“being gay is fashion these days” “people use their homosexuality as an excuse for bad behavior”, “gay people should stay in the closet because society is not ready for them”…) She got really angry at me, literally told me to go fuck myself and that I am victimizing myself…
I feel so hurt by this. invalidated. I don’t know… I just wanted to share :I
Sounds like you need new friends.
that’s not a friend, that’s an acquaintance that thinks you’re less than human. as A Gay™, that was an apt comparison, especially considering an autism diagnosis has been specifically used as another way to oppress and infantilize trans and gay people (especially AFAB people). absolute scumbag behavior. i’m really sorry you had to go through that. :(
When I hear about the experiences of trans people from when they were growing up, going through school, how they felt different, I relate so much as an autistic person.
When you tried to express your feelings, your friend made it about themselves. You are the one who was wronged, you are allowed to be upset! How could she even talk about autism this way, especially knowing you are one, and knowing you are listening to everything being said. Anyone would be upset hearing those things, even more so if it’s from someone they trust enough to share something like that with! You are valid!
Agree. This is shitty friends being shitty. Whether you forgive them or not, don’t feel bad for making them upset. It was important and they clearly needed and deserved it.
Oof. They were way over the line to say things like that, and to double down and get angry when you expressed that you’d been hurt is so unacceptable.
If it were me, I would limit social interaction with them until an apology that demonstrates understanding is given freely.
But that’s not the biggest point. The biggest thing is that you ARE valid. Your diagnosis is valid (even self-diagnosis). You don’t have to justify your existence to bigots. Ever. Sorry this happened to you. We see you. It sucks that people suck.
thanks a lot for you reply :]
Sounds like they got angry at their own words.
I think your respons was very good. You put them into the same position as they did to you, without actually being an asshole about it. The “friend” that knew about your autism, yet says these kind of things about autism while you’re there and gets mad when you try to tell them how it made you feel, doesn’t sound like a friend to me. They sound like a self-obsessed asshole that wants empathy from others, but isn’t empathic to others. I could be wrong, I don’t know them. They could have had a heavy reaction because theg freaked out becausr they got called out in a relatable way. That wouldn’t make their response okay, but could be forgivable if they genuinly apologized. If not, fuck them.
About the other friend: if you’re close with them you could try to explain how it made you feel and what you struggle with. See how they repond. They might just be uneducated. But if they don’t respond undersranding/apologetic, you might want to rethink your relationship with them.
That is the perfect response. You didn’t call her out for being gay. You tried to convey your experience in a way you would expect her to be able to relate to directly. Sadly, that didn’t seem to be the way she understood it.
Communication is hard.
First off, I’m sorry that this happened to you.
If it were me, I’d drop that " “friend” " (extra quotes added for emphasis) like a boulder off a cliff. People that are actually friends listen & make amends when told their words caused pain & invalidation.
If it were me (I’m not familiar with your life situation outside of this post), I wouldn’t contact her in any way/shape/form, and the only words I would say if she contacted me would be:
“Actions have consequences,” and walk away.
I know that some of what I’ve wrote may come across as harsh & nuclear, but I have no patience for people that do this. Life is too short to keep people like around.
In spite of the negativity & pain being spewed out of our screens, there are plenty of people that do care & empathize.
thanks a lot for your answer! The thing that makes think so much is that she has so many autistic traits herself and I actually believe she should consider getting assessed herself. She likely identifies with a lot of autistic traits and assumes they are normal, since she experiences them too, and dismisses autistic people because of that. She suffered from various episodes of abuse in her past (emotional, physical, sexual) and I believe that she never truly understood the kind of abuse she has been through, and therefore reproduces it. And all of that kind of alligns with autism. I don’t know if she is actually autistic, but I wish she would at least consider it… I am not really sure to tell her that sensibly (she feels attacked and manipulated really really fast), and since she doesn’t treat me well a lot of the times it is really difficult for me to keep up her friendship. On the other hand, I relate to her in a lot of ways, which is one of the reasons I feel so hurt by this…
Yeah, it’s never a cut-n-dry deal.
I didn’t research autism for myself until my late 30’s. My thinking for many years was “I’m fine, it’s everyone else that’s weird,” so I totally get the thought process of autistic traits not applying to her struggles.
It’s never easy cutting someone that you care about out of your life, but letting them drag you down with them isn’t healthy, either. This is why you don’t jump into the water to help someone that’s drowning.
Regardless of the path you choose, you have friends here. :-)
There is a difference in the severity of autism, how they said it in a very dickish way
as someone who is queer i actually think the comparison is pretty apt, sounds like she doesn’t understand your experiences. i’m sorry you had to go through this
Man, that sucks and I can understand how much that hurt to be wounded by your friend like that. hugs it you want them.
thanks!
Could be a toxic social relationship. I don’t know anything about you and them, although sometimes in cases like these, leaving may be better for both parties involved. Maybe they didn’t fully understood what you meant (despite you being rather clear about what you said) and thought you were being homophobic by “attacking” her sexuality.
NTs will sometimes prioritise syntax and words more than meaningunsure if they commonly do it (AI and we do that too sometimes lol) so your emphasis may have caused this reaction. Although again, they could also be a… removed too. I swear, sometimes some of us can be more social, empathic and understanding than most NTs…Also she pointed at how you were “victimizing yourself” which is a rather big sign that she may be a manipulator and/or struggling to understand others emotionally. Not saying she is, just saying a meaningless relationship is better kept frozen.
