I am a lazy failure who can’t do anything. Basic shit I consistently just… don’t do. Its embarrassing. I don’t even want to list all of it. I have hobby stuff I’ve wanted to for years that I’ve just never gotten set up. Homework? More like I’m not fucking doing that. I’ve been wanting to take steps for months to get myself on hormones and get clothes but have I done them? No? Of course not, because I’m fucking lazy. All I do is rot. Its been this way for a long time, I can’t even remember when the last time I didn’t struggle with this. And it doesn’t feel like its getting better. If it really is my autism I’m not sure how it ever can get better.
If you find it enjoyable to put off tasks then you are lazy. Most people who think they are lazy are actually dealing with stuff like depression, executive dysfunction, and conditions that affect mood or energy levels (medication side effects, POTS, chronic fatigue, sleep apnoea etc.)
It sounds like you have a lot of tasks that you genuinely want to do but you don’t have the resources to tackle them, and it sounds like you aren’t relishing the opportunity to put them off. That doesn’t sound like laziness imo.
I think I’m burned out after taking on too many tasks, so to just cancel things and gently close my eyes is enjoyable in some sense.
I feel like there is a certain sort of sociopathic laziness where you just kinda shirk work because you know the people around you will pick up after you, like never taking out the bin despite having the capacity to do so, but that’s pretty rare compared to the swathe of other neurodivergent people or burned out people. It’s also hard to tell from the outside. The existence of the former is used to police the latter (and obviously the ruling classes have always been motivated to moralise a failure to be productive).
(I’ve seen enough abusive relationships where some guy apparently has the energy to break their partner’s arm, but apparently no energy to do the dishes or prep dinner) (Why have I seen so many of these?)
For me I’d want to make a distinction between a feeling of relief or respite, which you appreciate, and a feeling of enjoyment.
If your “laziness” gives you that sense of relief, sort of like when you’ve been wearing uncomfortable shoes all day and you finally get home and take them off, then imo that’s qualitatively different from actively looking forward to avoiding doing your tasks and finding it gratifying to not do them.