i’ve been trying to figure out this site for a couple of months, so i have the fundamentals down. once you figure out the right path that doesn’t lead to the bad gateways its a lot easier. one thing i wasn’t prepared for when i started off my posting career is how treacherous the posting can be. there really is danger around every corner. 1 minute you are relaxing with a few (3) benzos of your choice, making some comments on posts, and then here comes some wild behavior from the unhinged denizens of some of the more unsavory boards (“communities”) on this site.

since i’ve racked up a few tips and tricks i wanted to share them with all of the other newbies. maybe if enough of us survive we can start a special club (or support group)

№1 worst posters

i am in kind of a tough spot because i want to write this cool guide to help newbies survive some of hex bear’s worst characters, but i’m probably going to get scoped by the mods for this one (unfair). apparently you’re not supposed to target bears because there isn’t a permitted hunting season for endangerous animals. here i go anyway goddamn

@thezeesystem@hexbear.net： watch out, this person has no chill. you insult g*mers one time and they go nuclear. don’t mess with that stuff or you’ll get reported

@UlyssesT@hexbear.net： don’t get me freaking started… this guy is obsessed with elon musk, but doesn’t even like him or think he’s revolutionary? even i can see musk has got a natural ability to disrupt – how else do we get this many dead chimps? this UlyssesT guy gets so worked up about posting he has to go on a ten month break to build some kind of commune about it (we’ll talk about communists later…). does any of this sound like normal behavior?? the posting style is the worst too— you’re just about to go F5 the main page (to find a 1 second-old thread to spam garbage comments into) then WHAMMO, you see the UlyssesT comment at the bottom of the thread. don’t think you’re going anywhere anytime soon. this stuff pulls you in with the hypnotic quality of a well-produced Beckett. Samuel Beckett didn’t have the foresight to use punctuative emotes tho. the next time your boss complains you haven’t learned enough PERL functions or whatever you need for your professional development just tell him you’ve been too distracted by UlyssesT posts and you’ll probably get off. throw in some other stuff about how you haven’t even had time to shower so that you dial in how deep you are in these posts

@SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net： i gotta take a break from talking about posters for a second to talk about what its like posting on this freaking web site. its encouraged you sort by “New” (the default is “Active” but changing this is the first skill check). now when you do this you’re gonna get all these empty posts, and you gotta rush in there. initially my strategy was commenting “First!” on each one, because it works pretty well on youtube, but I got my first seven accounts banned this way. I later learned you have to use all sorts of different words when you comment, which makes getting the first comment much harder. anyways, SorosFootSoldier is always this guy who is in there getting your first comment even when you deserve it more. this guy is like a sniper of posting. the most insidious part is that after a while, you start to view this SorosFootSoldier as some kind of “comrade” (sickens me to say it). when you go into a thread and you see this guys little posts you find yourself smiling and saying messed up crap like “its my compatriot on the posting front”. watch out for this sick psychological game

@12022081631@hexbear.net： useless poster does not even read posts before commenting on them, seems like they’re on some chemical in half their comments. just like his favorite designer drugs, he should be banned from the site. he probably wouldnt learn anything from it and wouldnt even use the spare time brushing up on PERL functions or whatever

№2 things to watch out for

punctuation： people might get mad at you if you dont use enough of these things. if you think you didnt use enough, add twelve, fifteen exclamation marks at the end of your sentence. the moderation bot that confirms every comment has enough punctuation will get fooled and will not delete your post if you do this religiously

homework： every time you click on one of these “link” posts you risk it opening up a bunch of words instead of a picture. sometimes you gotta open up the link, read all the words in there, and then the post is more words!! and you have to read ALL of it in order to make your joke, otherwise you get bad grades. me personally i usually just look at the other comments and copy whatever they got so i dont have to read the links

communists： lots of these freaks on this web site, and one of the best examples of how poorly moderated it is. i could close my eyes and throw a dart and probably hit two communists. i was thinking about sending a big list of all the communists to the admins to help them ban them all, but at this point i’m thinking it would be easier to send a list of posters that ARENT communists. its ok though, everybody keeps talking about how reddit is leaking so pretty soon we’ll get enough patriots to report them all

tankies： the horse’s shoe theory indicates that when communists finish reading all of their books (“theory”) they evolve into nazis. i havent figured out why yet but when this happen they are called “tankies” (something about slavoj jeezek). i cant DEFINE what makes them tankies is but im really PISSED about them

don’t bother posting： i thought this site would be different from the real world where moving from “renter” to “homeowner” seems so impossible. trying to move up in the world from being a “commenter” into being a “poster” turns out to be very hard as well. i spent like 3 hours writing this post last night and couldn’t even keep myself awake while i did it. i dont think im even going to do this again but ive sunk so much cost into this fallacy i cant bear to not post this no matter how bad it is and how quick they ban me for posting it

emote loading： figure out all the emotes by inspecting posts left by earlier civilizations and write them down on a notepad by your computer. if you instead open the emote popup (i call it “pandora’s box”), you will probably use up all your alotted bandwidth for the month. if you are gonna open up this little trap, you should do it at work on your boss’s T1 connection/possibly the satellite uplink at the university. even if someone in IT notices the weird traffic the ones that know hex bear will know not to mess with you because they’ll probably think you’re one of the antifa that keep crawling out of this god forsaken web site.

stickies： sometimes these prankster mods make a post “sticky” so you think you’re making a sweet comment on the hottest new thread but its actually the OLDEST thread. unbelievable that admins allow mods to embarass innocent users like m- just innocent users

№3 other issues i hope the site owner works on (“letters to the president”)

podcasts： people keep telling me to listen to chapo trap house. i cant even find this thing. i think when i listen to this podcast this site will probably make a lot more sense, but i recommend you skip it, because grinding up hex bear knowledge the hard way will make you a much better poster. at least thats what im hoping + cant afford to be wrong about. anyways, if this site is supposed to be about podcasts or something, i think they should pick one thats easier to find, like joe rogan. the joe rogan podcast has (approx.) 11 billion monthly downloads, which is a MUCH higher number

personal growth： this is one of those web sites where being on it makes you realize you could do a bit better at being considerate. sometimes you wanna make really terrible jokes nonstop but you realize maybe you gotta make one less joke or maybe not make a joke about being addicted to turps in every second thread because it’ll make somebody feel uncomfortable. that sucks. i did all my personal growing when i lived with my meemaw and she put little dents in the living room wall to show how much i grew in the year and also dents from throwing turps bottles at me telling me to stfu. anyways what i was saying is it feels really bad to have a community of people be so goodhearted that you realize you could be more considerate so i think the admins should make the site meaner

inconsistent performance： sometimes i wanna make a joke about the site being really unstable because it would work for my bit but actually the website was working pretty good - this is why i think the site should have Temperamental Tuesdays where every second GET completely skips the css and image embeds. instead of just happening randomly every day

disrespectful to elders： this has died down a bit since the communist kabala harris got made the leader but this web site and the people that post here have been absolutely disgusting to president JOE BIDEN. he has done so much for this country (was FORCED to ask some DIFFICULT QUESTIONS during the Anita Hill interrogation, & make some very DIFFICULT DECISIONS like- voting to invade Iraq, supporting settler colonial projects, pretending that he is powerless to stop settler colonial projects he’s been supporting, singlehandedly arming settler colonial projects he’s been supporting, siring Hunter Biden, being “tough on crime” (someones got to be), and calling the desegregation of school busing a “liberal train wreck”. Speaking of train wrecks, he also didn’t do anything about all those horrific train wrecks that have killed innocents and polluted our environment, and to me thats got his name written all over it.)

In conclusion, Hex Bear should be more respectful to Joe Biden.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR (contractually required for c/howdy posts)

12022081631 is a multiple counts lurker who has escaped conviction for said crimes in communities like Something Awful, Twitter formally known as X, and a sea of 2000s phpBB forums forgotten from memory and lost to the historical record. He hopes to make posters smile. His achievements include