Kids early as two can be trained to do basic tasks. By the age of five, with proper diet and exercise, they should be able to understand simple commands and hold tools.

Companies where kids would be desireable workers:

• Mines: their small stature means they can stand up comfortably in the smallest places, and because their language skills won’t be fully developed, they won’t be able to complain.

• Deep sea diving: Because their lungs are small, they don’t need as much oxygen, meaning a tank would last them longer. Just attach them to a weight and drop them in.

• Pipe cleaning: This one they can do from the time they can crawl, tie a bunch of brushes to them and tell them there’s candy at the end of a pipe (they’re stupid so they will believe you)

• And many, many more. The only limit is your imagination, and a few laws that can be changed.

This tip brought to you by the Conservative Party (UK).