Hi,

It’s my first time posting here, but I’m a longtime lurker from my now-abandoned lemmy.world account. So, here’s goes…

I’ve been feeling kind of stuck in my life, and wanted to see if any comrades had experienced anything similar or know folks who have. My main difficulty is that I only realized and accepted that I’m bi after my wife was pregnant. This is a problem for me because my wife is strictly monogamous. When we last discussed things, she flat out said that she couldn’t accept me being with anyone else, even if the relationship was strictly sexual.

And I’m torn here. On the one hand, I love my wife very deeply and absolutely don’t want to lose her. We’ve been together more than ten years, and she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. On the other hand, I have this nagging feeling that a big part of me is going unexplored and undeveloped, to the point I find myself inexplicably mad at my wife sometimes - I guess because I blame her for not “letting” me explore this other side of me.

And about feeling stuck, I know I need to tell her how important this is to me, and to ask again if there’s any way at all we can deal with it together. But when we’ve discussed it previously, multiple times, I dealt with it poorly and hurt her very badly. I just don’t know if she can take another round of the same damn thing, and I’m very reluctant to try and have it turn out badly yet again.

Again, I’d especially appreciate hearing from folks who’ve been through similar situations, or at least know people who have.

  • eight [it/its]@hexbear.netEnglish
    15·
    8 months ago

    how do you feel and what do you do with your emotions when you’re attracted to women who aren’t your wife? what you do there should translate exactly to what you do with how you feel about attractive men

    bonus though, if your wife is into it, you can talk to each other about what you find attractive in men. that’s also if you’re okay with her talking about being attracted to men who aren’t you which I assume you’d be open to given your stance on non-monogamy.

    • bicuriousButters [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      3·
      8 months ago

      how do you feel and what do you do with your emotions when you’re attracted to women who aren’t your wife?

      I acknowledge the feelings, but often feel frustrated that I can’t act on them. I unfortunately had very little sexual experience with other women before my wife.

      bonus though, if your wife is into it, you can talk to each other about what you find attractive in men.

      this is a bit of a tricky one for us…she’s fine telling me when she thinks other guys are cute or hot, but only because she’s never been strongly attracted to anyone else…whereas if I mention finding a guy cute, the next question would be “do you want to sleep with them?”, and any answer other than “no, not at all” will end up hurting her.

      • Bartsbigbugbag@lemmy.mlEnglish
        4·
        8 months ago

        It’s weird that they’d ask, but it would be kinda weird for you to say, “yes”, also. Just because I find people attractive doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them. I don’t want to sleep with anyone but my girlfriend. Maybe monogamy isn’t for you?

        • brainw0rms [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
          9·
          8 months ago

          I don’t think it would be weird or unfair for her to ask that… OP introduced the insecurity by bringing up several times that he does in fact want to sleep with dudes that he finds attractive.