My uncle, a person who I haven’t seen in person for a while, told me that he is going on a cruise, and he desperately wants me, my brother, and my two cousins to go with him. It’s been a long time since we have all been united as such. We have had a group text that we’ve been using for a bit, and I’m just really out of it because I’m clearly stating and putting forth that I do not want to fucking go.
Unfortunately, this is a very “not taking no for an answer” situation for everyone else. One of my cousins asked me “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and stated that he’s gonna drive down to my apartment to forcefully take me on the cruise, and my uncle himself said “I insist that you go. You are going!”, and I really am not comfortable with these scenarios whatsoever.
Barring my older brother, everyone in this group text deadnames me and pays zero acknowledgement to my gender identity. Just so you all know, I have come out to each and every person in this group text. They all, at some point or another, have gained awareness of my transfeminine identity. Hell, my uncle himself is a gay man, one who knows what it’s like to be discriminated against in this family at that!
Despite that, I can’t forget that cis gay people are still cis people, and there’s just an intrinsic aspect of my gender identity that none of them except, like I said, my older brother will not be able to get, at least on the level of understanding why it’s so crucial for me to be respected as such. I don’t want to go on a trip where I feel awkward about having been on estrogen for so long, where I am hearing everyone deadname me and view me in a light in which I do not want to be viewed, and I’m not willing to negotiate that. That is a disgustingly distressing situation.
My uncle even told me that “[He] needs a family trip before [he] dies.”, and it just… feels like he’s trying to hit me from such a strange appeal-to-emotion standpoint. Now, I know that sentiment makes him sound very elderly, but just to let you all know, he’s only in his late 50’s, and he’s healthy, so it’s not as dire as the way he phrased it would make it sound.
They are trying to emphasize a sense of strong, familial connection here, but I don’t think they know just how distant I’ve been from my dad’s side of the family, for instance. These people are all on my mom’s side of the family, but I had to cut out of my life a shit ton of people on my dad’s side of the family over my gender identity being an issue. At this point, family, at least in the context of blood relatives, means jack shit to me, and I don’t want to have this conversation or drag this shit out any longer than I have to.
By the way, everyone in this group chat, my older brother being an exception once again, has said something at one point or another that made me uncomfortable in the context of me being trans.
Have you considered ripping the band-aid off?
What I mean is that since you’re out already to everyone on that chat, and have tried to address the situation with them individually, there’s no secret about who you are and how you feel about the way they’re treating you. You don’t say how many people are involved, but let’s say it’s six. By letting this stay as individual conversations, you wind up with six times the burden of dealing with the pressure while it’s no stress for all of them to keep the pressure up.
One way to deal with that disparity could be to lightly edit (replace relationships with names, them -> you, optionally remove expletives) this post and send it to the people that need to hear it - that group chat. Let them be shamed in public and see you not going as the result of their own behavior. (Consider giving the supportive brother a heads up beforehand.)
A couple possible outcomes here:
Being named and shamed in front of the rest of the family is uncomfortable enough that they change their behavior. Possibly with some backup from the supportive brother. Maybe you go on a future trip once you’ve seen that change play out.
They gang up on you. Well, they’re already doing that. Throw up another message that you’re dropping out of the chat for X days/weeks, that your position is not up for discussion or debate, and that you will hang up, walk away, stop reading the e-mail, etc. if anyone tries to bring it up to you during that time. Follow through, and if they gang up again at the end of that time, rinse and repeat.
Most likely - a little of column A and a little of column B. At least one person “gets it” and improves, and at least one digs in. You wind up applying the steps in 2, improve relationship with the ones that listen, and learn who isn’t going to change. At some point you decide whether to put up with that or cut them off on a case-by-case basis.
I know that both people who are brought up femme or transition feel a lot of pressure to avoid conflict, so this may be uncomfortable or not even a possible approach for you. I’m not saying “This is the only way you should handle the situation,” but rather to weigh the discomfort of this approach and ask yourself if it’s actually worse than the continuing pain and stress you’re already feeling.
If it is (and I’ve seen people and family dynamics where it could be), ignore the advice. I won’t be offended.
If it’s a no brainer and feels like a relief, go with it.
If it sounds less bad but still incredibly stressful or painful, line up support in advance. When you’re ready to pull the trigger, send the message, turn off your phone, and turn to the partner or friend sitting next to you for the pre-promised hug, start the comfort movie, or whatever it is that distracts you, comforts you, or makes you feel safe. In fact, you can do that regardless of how you wind up handling this. Family shit’s rough.