I apologize if this is too broad/doomer-y for this comm, but I feel like I need to post it somewhere other than a general megathread where it gets buried.

So to keep it brief, over the past year I feel like I’ve crossed an event horizon. What I mean is that, like the event horizon of a black hole, I’ve reached a point where I’m being dragged toward oblivion with no hope of escape. I’ve been chronically depressed for much of my life, but never to this extent where I’ve had genuinely episodes of what I guess you could call derealization? I feel like I’m watching a movie of my life. There are moments where I feel lightheaded and like nothing around me is real. It almost alternates between this pseudo-Buddhist detachment and terrifying existential dread about some true nature of existence or whatever.

For a while, I could keep the negativity at bay with exercise or hobbies or whatever. I was actually sort of content for a while in 2022. But during this past year, nothing, and I mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G helps. Going for a walk? Still feel miserable. Drawing? I just cannot draw anything. Exercise? Bored and tired the whole time. Games? Boring. Reading? Pointless. Hang out with friends? Boring, and they probably all hate me anyway. I constantly have this nagging feeling that I should be doing Something Else…but I have absolutely no idea what could possibly satisfy this need. Because nothing feels remotely good anymore. I cannot really convey through words just how maddeningly frustrating this is for me.

I also fucking despise my job, and I think it’s a big reason for all this. It’s a dumb supervisor job at a grocery store department, so it’s not like it’s actually hard, but it’s so exhausting. Like needlessly so. I’m tired of waking up at 4AM everyday to get there at 5. I hate most of my coworkers. I loathe our customers. But it’s full time and got decent enough benefits (which I really need to keep) so I’m apprehensive about finding anything else. I’ve thought about going back to school (I have a general studies associate’s, as I had originally planned to transfer elsewhere before covid happened and derailed everything), but I have no clue what to do.

So long story short, I’m just burned the fuck out from everything in my life (there’s other stuff too, but this post is long enough). And it’s at the point where I don’t even know where to start to fix things, because all the usual tricks don’t seem to work anymore. I almost want to pull a Bilbo Baggins and just ghost everyone and go far away.