This is something I’m only just recently coming to understand has been a lifelong source of interpersonal problems for me, and omfg it seems so fucking omnipresent.
Why does everyone get so mad when I ask why/how about something?!
I learned a few years ago that sometimes people feel judged by my questions (???), and so I’ve tried to super, ultra sugarcoat them. I’ve tried even harder since getting medicated for ADHD, because I have the mental space now to preface my carefully stated questions with assurances that I am only trying to understand, not indict.
It doesn’t feel like it’s getting me anywhere, and I’m starting to wonder if it’s an unreasonable expectation? Is it silly to think that questioning motives or reasoning could ever be non-offensive? It doesn’t bother me to explain my motives or reasoning - fuck, it’s a fucking relief, please oh fuck let me explain - but I know I’m NotLikeOtherGirls™
This happens most when the person I’m asking has no good answer - it’s like my asking “but why?” makes them realize there was no reasoning at all, which wasn’t the smartest course, and then feel guilty about not thinking it through.
That is never what I expect to happen - I don’t ask why if I think there’s no reason. If I’m asking, it’s not because I think you’re stupid, it’s because I think I’m stupid for not catching on. I respect you and your judgement, so if you’re doing something that seems confusing to me, I assume there’s a good reason that I just don’t understand yet, and I really really want to understand!
I’m just hoping to get clued in. I genuinely keep thinking there is some reason for whatever confusing behavior or action. I am just asking so I can get on the same page.
The very act of asking is unfortunately not giving me any answers; it seems to be antagonizing instead. “I don’t have a good reason and fuck you for making me admit it!” ???!?
Anybody relate?
What do?
I don’t think its silly or unreasonable to expect people to take you at your word, assume good faith, and try to explain what they meant, especially when you are offering explicit prefaces reassuring them it’s not a judgement of them. I don’t even know if I’m ND really, besides being depressed, but I still run into this pretty often.
It’s going to happen sometimes, and you probably just have to drop the questions and try to work around it in those cases, and just guess at what they might be thinking, but I feel like a lot of this can be avoided by asking different questions or keeping your reassurances vague… If you say “I’m not judging you, I just don’t understand what you meant by X”, it’s just going to plant the seed in some people’s brains that you’re judging them. So maybe sticking to “I just don’t understand” and leaving out any specific references to judgement, etc ?
You are so right, and this is something I forget a lot. Thank you for reminding me in such a compassionate and gentle way ❤️🤗❤️