This is something I’m only just recently coming to understand has been a lifelong source of interpersonal problems for me, and omfg it seems so fucking omnipresent.

Why does everyone get so mad when I ask why/how about something?!

I learned a few years ago that sometimes people feel judged by my questions (???), and so I’ve tried to super, ultra sugarcoat them. I’ve tried even harder since getting medicated for ADHD, because I have the mental space now to preface my carefully stated questions with assurances that I am only trying to understand, not indict.

It doesn’t feel like it’s getting me anywhere, and I’m starting to wonder if it’s an unreasonable expectation? Is it silly to think that questioning motives or reasoning could ever be non-offensive? It doesn’t bother me to explain my motives or reasoning - fuck, it’s a fucking relief, please oh fuck let me explain - but I know I’m NotLikeOtherGirls™

This happens most when the person I’m asking has no good answer - it’s like my asking “but why?” makes them realize there was no reasoning at all, which wasn’t the smartest course, and then feel guilty about not thinking it through.

That is never what I expect to happen - I don’t ask why if I think there’s no reason. If I’m asking, it’s not because I think you’re stupid, it’s because I think I’m stupid for not catching on. I respect you and your judgement, so if you’re doing something that seems confusing to me, I assume there’s a good reason that I just don’t understand yet, and I really really want to understand!

I’m just hoping to get clued in. I genuinely keep thinking there is some reason for whatever confusing behavior or action. I am just asking so I can get on the same page.

The very act of asking is unfortunately not giving me any answers; it seems to be antagonizing instead. “I don’t have a good reason and fuck you for making me admit it!” ???!?

Anybody relate?

What do?

  • proletarian_girlbossEnglish
    14·
    9 months ago

    I tend to experience similar hostility. I ask questions constantly for the same reason you do and some people in particular take offense in ways I do not understand (like when I ask why something was done for example), and I am not certain how to navigate that properly because for some people, it really does feel like it is nearly impossible to ask in a way that would not feel confrontational or judgemental for them.

    • RyanGosling [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
      9·
      9 months ago

      I suggest having a notebook and take notes, or pretend to. In my experience, they seem to not mind in depth explanations/repeating themselves because they can visually confirm that I’m asking why for the sake of doing it their way and not questioning their knowledge or authority lol.

      When I don’t have my notebook, there’s an aura of irritation whenever I ask for them to explain.