No worries!

This extra context is really helpful for me to understand what you’re going through.

There’s a lot contained in the two words ‘toxic relationship’. I can’t speak for your experience at all but I can speak more broadly.

With some toxic relationships there’s elements of trauma bonding and/or codependency that are very complex issues that take a lot of personal work to develop beyond which takes a whole lot more than what I’d be able to put to words in a reply. With trauma bonding it’s about finding ways to process the trauma and finding ways to connect with people which aren’t based on shared trauma. With codependency, it’s about developing a sturdy, healthy sense of self and learning ways to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.

In general though, toxic relationships tend to be really intoxicating; they have very high highs and the lows are even lower. Those extremes can be hard to come down from and it can really leave you feeling empty and craving for more of the exhilarating highs. I guess you could look at it like recovering from an addiction to any drugs that are uppers or like a bipolar person who is appropriately medicated; you aren’t going to feel the highs that you used to. It’s almost certain that you’re going to miss them. But exhilaration is not the same thing as fulfillment.

There are ways that you can still experience things that give you a sense of exhilaration in a relationship which is healthy, if you are missing that experience, but you probably aren’t going to find a healthy replica of the toxic relationship that you used to have (if that makes sense).

For people who had rough childhoods, these experiences can be really formative and they can characterise how you form relationships as an adult too.

I guess what I’d do in your situation, with admittedly limited info, is I’d spend time on making my own life fulfilling outside of a relationship first. If this means having a degree of thrill-seeking to feel fulfilled then that’s completely fine - embrace that and find outlets for this which are positive.

I’d also spend time considering what needs that previous relationship met for me and I’d really thrash out what is important to me - exhilaration or stability and fulfillment. Not in a sort of way where I’m forcing myself to give the “right” answer either - I’d sit down and really work through all of it bit by bit until I can make better sense of what’s important to me. Of course I’d also look at the negative impacts that previous relationship had (and continues to have) on me. With a good picture of the negatives and the positives from the previous relationship, it should help guide you to seek out something better next time around as well as informing what you might need to look for outside of a relationship as well.

And maybe in the near future it isn’t the right time for a long-term relationship anyway?

You might find it meets your needs to have fun and seek out one-night stands and short flings rather than demanding that you settle down into a long-term thing. Sometimes having short-term relationships can really help you meet that need for excitement and to develop a good understanding of what you like in people and what you really want and don’t want in a relationship.

I think in time there will be opportunities for you to look back on this past relationship without the anguish you’re feeling. Maybe you won’t ever look back on it fondly but I have hope that you’ll be able to resolve these conflicting feelings that you have about it right now.