I went to a gay nightclub and most of the night I just stood there not talking to anyone (for the third night in a row). But when I was about to leave I managed to compliment a guy’s top. He said thanks then we didn’t really interact anymore.
As I was leaving, I noticed him standing outside, so I went and asked if he was waiting for a ride (to make sure he was alright I guess? I don’t really know why I did it tbh). He said yeah a friend was coming to pick him up.
But then he asked me for my Snapchat or Instagram, I told him I could give my phone number (I don’t have either of those apps) and he handed me his phone to put my number in the messages app and message myself so I get his number. I told him my name and he told me his.
Then I just sort of went back to my car and left. I have no idea what to do next. We didn’t really talk or anything, everything I said above is the entirety of my interactions with him. So we don’t know anything about each other.
So what do I do? Did I walk away too early? What do I text him? Try to get to know him over text? How would I even start that? Or just ask to meet up at a coffee shop or something? How do I not sound desperate? Do I need to wait 3 days or whatever social rule bullshit exists? Did he just exchange numbers to humor me to get me to go away?
I have literally no experience with any of this, but I do have crippling social anxiety.
Do you mind proofreading the first message?
Although I’m worried the conversation could come to a pause. If he just replies with something like “Yeah I had a good time.” with no question for me. There’s nothing really to follow up.
Or actually, I feel like it would probably go “did you have a good time?”, “yeah, you?”, “yeah” and then I wouldn’t know how to follow up.
What could this question be? I can’t really think of anythIng.
Looks good!
If that happens leave it for a short while maybe and then ask them if they go there often.
The next thing, for more neurotypical conversations like this, is “breadcrumbing” where you lead the next question they’ll ask you by saying something like “Yeah, I had a good time. It was the first time I’ve been there and it was more fun than I expected.” This indicates that, if they have a fairly high level of social reciprocity, they should ask you where you normally go out where you can respond by saying where you normally go to or, alternatively, to say that you don’t go out that often but instead you engage in other hobbies or activities, such as saying that you tend to get up early and go to the gym on weekends rather than going out partying or that you tend to stay in watching movies. That sort of thing.
Were you out with friends? What do you do for fun? Are you in college? That sort of thing. Try to pick up on the cues that the other person leaves for you to inform what you ask about - if they mention a topic they are typically signalling for you to ask a question about that topic.
I’m in awe of the details in these comments and the clarity with which you have communicated them. Thank you, these are super helpful.
Thanks, I really appreciate your feedback.
I know how hard it can be to navigate social interactions with allistic people because of how confusing it all is, so I try to be as clear and specific as I possibly can to make it a bit easier.
So how long do I wait to give up hope on getting a reply to my first message?
I assume it’s not a good idea to send another message?
Why would he ask for my phone number if he didn’t want to talk?
Also, I don’t think I’ve said it yet, so thank you for the advice.
Hard to say. They might even take a couple of days to respond.
I wouldn’t send another message because it won’t go over well.
Sometimes people can be drunk/high/impulsive or occasionally even just in it for the ego boost (for themselves or to brag about to others) or to make someone else jealous.
Some people play games, unfortunately.
You’re most welcome!
I have had a deep interest in communication since I was a kid and I’m high masking and late diagnosed so I’ve been deep in neurotypical culture like some unqualified field anthropologist for my entire life and because of that I feel like I have a reasonable grasp on neurotypical culture by this point in my life and I’m just happy to be able to share my insight into it.
(I get how frustrating it can be when you ask a neurotypical person why you should/shouldn’t do something and the only response you get is “…because!”; sometimes it takes an outsider who doesn’t implicitly grasp what’s going on so instead they have to learn the rules by trial & error and careful observation to be able to articulate what’s going on. Sorta like how if you ask a native speaker why something is said the way it is and they’ll tell you “Because that’s how you’re supposed to say it” but a non-native speaker will be more likely to tell you about irregular conjugation of verbs or hypercorrection or that sort of thing since they had to learn the rules consciously rather than on autopilot.)