Besides various scriptural books, “But He Never Hit Me” by Dr. Jill Murray.

I was up late one night, unable to sleep because of fear after my ex left. I didn’t have cable or anything, but I had broadcast TV on to down out the silence. Dr. Phil had an episode about domestic violence, and my eyes were locked to the screen. The phrase that kept running through my mind as I watched was “at least he never hit me.”

He had Dr. Murray on as a guest at the end, and my jaw dropped when I heard the title of the book she promoted. The next day, I mentioned it to my mom, who mentioned it to my brother, who worked at Borders. A few days later, I got a copy in the mail from him.

I started reading the first few pages and couldn’t continue. It sat on my shelf for months before I finally opened it and slowly—very slowly for a person who used to read over a dozen books per weekend—got through the whole book.

By the end, I had a name for what is been living through, and I finally realized I had done nothing significantly wrong in my marriage. It changed my life. For better, because it gave me the strength to avoid abusive relationship patterns. For the worse because that has turned out to be every single man I’ve tried to date.

Now I’m alone because I can’t bring myself to try for any more relationships. And the fallout from trying to raise kids also raised by an abuser, and having a child with trauma-related BPD , has left me almost completely isolated from anyone.

But I have a very sensitive abuse radar now, at least.