I’ve told myself and others that I don’t get bored easily. I can daydream through some experiences or I’ll distract myself with games, books, etc.

But I’m finding out that I’ve always had my hands full with an activity, doing more than one at once. Like playing animal crossing with a movie playing, and eating lunch. Of course, I end up missing conversations in whatever media I’m consuming.

It’s like I’m so good at distracting myself that I need something to catch my focus. If it’s boring or predictable, I don’t have to pay attention. I’ve had friends point out that I do things the hard way a lot.

I don’t want this feeling to be boredom because that feels like a moral failing. It’s thinking of people I care about and not being able to muster up enough compassion to give them my undivided attention. I can’t sit through a phone call and I wish I could.

I hate that it comes off as me being an edgelord sometimes. But it’s just me not reacting strongly.

Writing this, I realize how much of this is an attention disorder or something dissociative. I’ve carried these confused feelings about how I perceive myself and I’m only now starting to dismantle the shame.

And I’m probably going to look into helping my focus.