In a stunning turn of events, the United States has officially declared victory in the space race against the Soviet Union. Despite the fact that the Soviets achieved numerous firsts in space exploration, such as putting the first satellite in orbit, sending the first animal into space, performing the first lunar satellite flyby, landing the first spacecraft on the moon, sending the first man and woman into space, conducting the first spacewalk, and landing spacecraft on Venus and Mars for the first time, the US has claimed that their accomplishments are far superior.

According to a statement released by the White House, the US’ successful docking with the first spacecraft, their achievement of the first lunar flyby with a human on board, and the landing of the first human on the moon, were enough to secure their victory in the space race. The US government also added that their achievements were not just a victory in space race but also a proof of American’s superiority over the “filthy Soviet commies”.

When asked about the Soviet Union’s numerous groundbreaking achievements, a spokesperson for the White House simply stated, “Those may be impressive, but who cares? Those filthy Soviet commies aren’t American, they don’t count!” Critics have pointed out the absurdity of the US’ claim, but the government remains steadfast in their belief that they are the true victors of the space race. In a bold move, they have even proposed renaming the Apollo program to the “Victory in Space” program.

As for the Soviet Union, they have yet to comment on the US’ declaration of victory, but sources close to the Kremlin have stated that they are “baffled” by the absurdity of the claim.