I dont want to become like the #1 poster of long-winded rants about my life here, but I find it therapeutic. I am also wondering if this just my brain being checked out, a medical thing, or something everyone has.
I have this thing where my brain decides to think things that I would never do. Its also hard to talk about because then everyone would think I secretly want to do all the things described. Cookie cutter extreme example: it imagines me killing everyone around me or something. I would never want to kill anyone around me, at least usually lol. Most times it’s my family which I care for deeply. Ill just be near something, or someone, and my brain imagines me doing the absolute worse thing someone could do in that situation. It fucks with me. Because I feel like there’s a serial killer describing some really fucked shit in my head as I’m trying to exist. That odd force would never have any power, and it shares no desires with me, it just sits there and acts like I want to engage in horrible acts. Also, I dont see it as an actual entity in my brain, like another person, it’s more like self-doubt but saying things that make me want to never talk to anyone again. Again, does this happen to any of you? Do any of you know what this is?
thanks.
(Also worth noting, much worse shit it imagines as compared to just killing people. Shit that makes not want to see anyone ever again.)
(Edit: I suppose this is relatively normal. I guess no one told me people have thoughts they may not agree with, maybe more of a comment on Amerikkkan education and parenting.)
I think “intrusive thoughts” is the term you’re looking for: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought
I am not a doctor, this is not medical advice, etc. but if that article accurately describes what you’re experiencing it might help find more literature to help understand and manage it.
I feel you on this. I think, very visually, about killing myself in various ways a lot. Like, multiple times a day.
Thing is, I’m not suicidal. I actually am quite content with my life right now. I’m not depressed either. I just have very clear images in my mind about me killing myself. But I would never do it. It’s just there.
Are these kind of things normal? I don’t know. I can cope with it and it doesn’t bother me. I just see it as something odd my brain does sometimes.
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That’s funny, I have this exact thing too. I’m not afraid of heights, the opposite actually, I get a thrill from them. But sometimes when I’m up high I’ll look out to where I’m not safe and imagine what would happen if I were in that not safe location. Personally I think it’s our minds reminding ourselves of the context by analyzing the negative of the situation. Why these things happen when they do is beyond me. Perhaps high emotional scenarios to help maintain control within them? As I said I do get a thrill from being up high, so perhaps being reminded of the negative brings clarity to the situation and reinforces stability. This may not be Lenin Enjoyer or Dank Zedong’s answer but I believe it’s useful information to contribute. Or perhaps I’m simply adding another aspect of the same concept…
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Point 2 and 3 is new to me and sounds like it could be helpful, I’m going to try it when I have intrusive thoughts again. Thank you for the advice.
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I want to note, my intention for this group was for this to be exactly what you used it for, venting emotions and feelings to comrades for advice and feedback.
I imagine these weird things sometimes, though not very frequently. Sometimes my sanity is all that’s keeping me from violently assaulting several people for no reason at all.
Again, does this happen to any of you?
Probably 3edgy5u
I can relate, and unlike you I’m not particularly empathetic or remorseful. I’ve ideated murdering my parents, as well as becoming burgerland’s next top mass murderer or a suicide bomber or something. Fortunately I’m a lazy fuck. I don’t know where to get explosives or really care to look, and if I ever got a gun, planning a mass shooting sounds like a lot of work, and if I ever get to that point I’m basically committing suicide anyway, so I’d just skip all the work involved in suicide by cop and just brain myself instead. I’m also a coward, and that also prevents me from doing anything drastic.
I’ve also egged on my stepfather to commit suicide when he was saying he was going to do that during an episode recently. Seeing him suffer was like was like blood being spilled in water near a shark; something awakened in me that made me want to destroy. I think I’ve had this evil inside me since I was a child, because I recall assaulting another child when I was like 4 or 5 years old for no particular reason.
Anyway, because of this, I mostly keep to myself. I feel little drive to make deep connections with others, and while this makes my life dull and rather meaningless, trying to fix this would also require being around people who are vulnerable, and I don’t think I can trust myself in that situation. This makes it hard not only to be a principled communist, but to want to even leave my bed.
If I were to explain the evil in me, it’s basically a nihilistic hatred of everything that exists and wants to destroy existence itself. Where it sees potential to cause harm without destroying the host (me) it lashes out instinctively. To keep it from lashing out, I keep to myself. I live with my parents, but even then I barely interact with them throughout the day. By keeping away from others, I act as a prison for this hatred. However, it is as much my prison as I am its prison.
As this drive compels me to act in ways that dehumanize others, so I see myself as less than human. After all, with no other people around for the hatred to prey upon, it goes after the only target it has: me. The more I do nothing in this mental paralysis, or the more I let it attack others, the more ammunition the hatred has in deeming me a parisitic monster which must be exterminated for the good of society.
This is basically what I’ve been considering posting for awhile. I hope I’m not hijacking your rant to air my troubles, but since homicidal ideation was the topic it seemed appropriate. Considering you don’t seem to act out on those thoughts and have a conscience about them, I think they’re just plain old intrusive thoughts that a lot of people get.
Feel free to post anything that helps, it is c/mentalhealth anyway lol. If my struggles help you relate something that you want to voice, I’m all for it.
(Also sorry for not generally responding to your comment, because honestly I don’t think I can say much. Not you, just my inability to formulate thoughts into cohesive sentences sometimes.)
Having struggled with this in the past, all I can tell you is what you seem to already know; it’s perfectly normal. It’s not even just ‘relatively’ normal; it’s nigh-universal. Even if your thoughts are the most fucked-up things imaginable, as you seem to imply. “But thoughts don’t exist in a vacuum” one might say. Well, maybe not in a vacuum, but we just need to accept that some immutable parts of our brain simply aren’t rational, and attempting to rationalize those parts is futile, and that’s okay, because the rational parts are there to modulate those thoughts. According to some therapists I know, it’s only considered a disorder if these thoughts distress you. Not if they merely exist, which they do for everyone.
This sounds like a stock remedy, but what’s been helping for me is walking and running first thing every day, but that’s only because I have the privileges of having the time, access to a place where I can safely do it, and having an able enough body. I still, of course, have thoughts, but I’ve made peace with them. I’ve “accepted the cringe” because I knew it was all I could do (though, I also think some of my murder fantasies are justified.)
It is something I wish I learned much sooner, and that everyone learned, because the reality is is that a lot of people, possibly out of projection, will judge you for having those fantasies. As a fellow US resident, our education has indeed failed us in this regard, and in a multitude of other regards. It makes me wonder if post-revolution, schools would have a dedicated Ethics class. I wonder if other countries have it, because as it is here, such things are usually deferred to incompetent parents or religious institutions, both of which tend to instill highly outdated, anti-scientific, ableist nonsense that causes us to direct fear, guilt, and shame towards ourselves for the terrible crime(/s) of not being able to prevent our thoughts from straying off the beaten path from time to time.
You comparing the part of yourself providing you with these thoughts to a serial killer actually highlights the difference. The actions os a serial killer are largely premeditated, I believe, as opposed to intrusive thoughts we have the ability to recognize for what they are. They’re just thoughts. Do thoughts influence actions? Yes, but the action these thoughts can influence you into taking can be to simply realize that, as you said, the serial killer has no power. Don’t let it worry you. This “serial killer” exists in just about all of us.
Happens to me a lot while I’m near libs or fascists.
