A new development in China’s long string of evils has been brought to our attention. It seems like China is utilizing mind control devices to weaken Americans.
As we all know, Americans are genetically superior to all other people in the world. However, recently test scores and such show otherwise. As this trend has continued even with other metrics, we have decided to just blame it on China like we always do.
Professor Krakk Pott, our resident China expert, has revealed the concerning truth. By exporting advanced 5g mind control devices, some of America’s population have been turned into lizard men!
“There is no way to slow or reverse this process,” says Professor Pott. “And the lizard men have already infiltrated every crevice of our society. Our impending doom cannot be escaped.”
There is still hope, though. By buying a China Bad Times™️ tinfoil hat, you can look cool and fashionable while shielding your brain waves from Chinese probes.